Poll Trauma and the Paranormal

[spinningmytires]

And your focus on “who’s the monster/predator/baddie” lies elsewhere.

Interesting about the black boxes.

Well to some extent I might be experiencing other baddies in addition to my father. As for the 'black boxes' apparently they are very real.

I suspect I’ve always struggled with confusing and frightening similarities between my CSA, my past sleep-paralysis and paranormal experiences. Often these experiences seem to overlap each other if via my dissociation, emotional and/or physical numbing, confusion, fear and loss of mobility - where these might seem related. Then there are my reoccurring and intrusive fear-provoking thoughts with vague mental imagery.

The frightening ‘dark shadowy figure standing behind me’ in my kitchen doorway while at my kitchen sink might be related to my mental imagery of the ‘dark shadowy humanoid figure standing behind me’ which I had described to my first T during my 20’s.

I could go back even farther to my childhood and relate these ‘dark shadowy humanoid visualizations’ to the ‘dark shadowy monsters’ I would imagine hiding under my bed or behind my closet door at night.

Part of me can understand that these frightening visualizations were only in my mind and yet, another part of me wlll begin to panic anyway - perhaps, because I’m unable to convince myself that I'm not actually being threatened. All I can do is try to divert my attention onto something else - though this might only push my fears down below my conscious awareness, while my body continues to suffer with my physical symptoms of PTSD.

I know for a fact that my father was entering my bedroom at night to masturbate while I slept and that this continued into my 30’s. I don’t know when he first began doing it. A few times, I’d gotten a glimpse of him with his pants down, though I had always quickly fallen back to sleep. Perhaps, I’d gotten use to him being there.

Normally, you’d think I’d be startled and fully awakened by his presence to strongly protest, as any non-traumatized adult female would have done. I should have given him a swift kick in the balls. Yet as a traumatized child, I would immediately block my awareness of it. This splitting or forgetting of my father’s abusive behavior had once helped me to cope early in my life. Yet even during my mid 30’s, I was still automatically ‘forgetting’ my father’s offensive behavior in my bedroom.

Beyond this point, my paranormal experiences, don’t seem to be related to my father’s past sexual abuse. This being said, there might be some overlaps related to my ‘out of body’ dissociation, my imagined sense of being grabbed and pulled by my forearms (a visualization occurring during a trance-induced state by my T in 2001) including one frightening dream about being pulled into a vast black empty space where I’d lost all connection with my physical reality. These experiences might be related to my CSA. Even my fear triggering kitchen sink water faucet sensations might be related to my childhood bath-time vulnerabilities with my father.

The ‘black box’ I have seen inside an amber-tinted, clear ‘glass like’ sphere. This object was moving slowly over my backyard and was about 200 feet away from me so, I got a good look at it. There were several other spheres hovering over a power line tower at then same time. My sighting occurred over 20 years ago - I’d described it on another forum at that time. More recently on social media, a US Air Force training pilot described witnessing a similar ‘clear glass’ sphere with a ‘black cube’ contained within it. I don’t know what to think. During the 1980’s, my second T (who received his training while in the Air Force) advised me never to talk about it.

 

[spinningmytires]

@Rose White

I’ve been describing my paranormal experiences as accurately as I can, over the past two decades while realizing that much of it isn’t understandable. However, many of these experiences do seem to overlap, if related with vague CSA memories.

I’ve been trying to sort out the paranormal experiences from my CSA, as being either misinterpretations or distortions of my CSA. As for abduction experiences, I’ve only read a small fraction of the literature since much of it is based on what people claim they’ve experienced themselves.

The UFO objects themselves, hold my greatest interest while others often seem far more interested in the social aspects, if invited to converse with extraterrestrial intelligence. I don’t talk to aliens nor have I ever considered myself to be a ‘contactee.’ I’m far less trusting and still struggling with gaps in my memory immediately following a UFO sighting along with a few suspected close encounters. What make people think these abduction experiences aren’t frightening and that they can be easily fluffed-off and forgotten. They can’t.

But getting back to my CSA, my frightening vision of the dark shadowy figure standing behind me might be a vague memory of my father masturbating in front of me - as that he did do. My fear of being grabbed from my bed might have also once been a memory of my father grabbing me. He might have also hidden himself behind my closet door. Although my bedroom door was usually partly open at night to allow in some dim lighting, this door might have been completely closed during an abusive attack.

Then too, I might dissociate, find myself in a frozen state, unable to move or to suddenly find myself floating with no body nor feelings if in another world. This makes perfect sense to me.

Even during a trance induced state by my T — in 2001, I had screamed while envisioning hands grabbing and pulling my forearms towards them. My T then abruptly intervened to tell me that this was my father molesting me. I told her that it wasn’t. What I saw were thin white arms pulling my forearms towards them - the surrounding area was totally dark. Perhaps, I was imagining this, however, the extreme intense negative emotion I was feeling at that time were very real.

Somehow, I think I need to sort out all of these frightening experiences as they often seem to either contradict or merge with each other. And because they contradict and fragment, I might not be able to process them well enough to put them to rest. The problem is that my abduction experiences, whether real or imagined, are just too frightening.

This lack of logic never seems to be an issue when I’m dreaming. Yet, when I’m awake and unsure about my reality I’ll have difficulty dismissing these experiences entirely. Perhaps, this might partly explain why these visualizations often repeat themselves, like my frightening repeated visions of the shadowy figure standing behind me.

I’ve witnessed more than 50 UFO sightings over a span of about 40 years beginning in my late teens. I kept telling myself that these UFOs were only glitches in my perception, since I didn't believe UFOs could be real until 1988. For the following ten years however, I still tried not to think about it.

In 1998 I began to document these sightings and experiences. This I did for the following five years or so which did help to ease my anxieties, somewhat. Still, I had never discussed these experiences and anxieties with my T which only made me feel more isolated and alone. I know we have no way of truly understanding these experiences - still it is difficult to deal with them alone is this isolation.

My palms still sweat when I think about my past UFO sightings, as my palms are sweating as I type this post - yet, is this related to my CSA.

I realize that I’m not under any kind of threat at the moment. My father died over 20 years ago and I haven’t sighted any UFO in the past 5 years. The panicky feeling that a dark shadowy figure might be standing behind me comes and goes on occasion and much less so over the past year.

I don’t understand how anyone can heal from their CSA. Just being consciously aware of my CSA doesn’t seem to resolve anything. I’m still plagued with hyper-vigilance, possible episodes of dissociation, depression and insomnia.

 

[Rose White]

@spinningmytires thank you. Deeply appreciate you opening up about this. I believe there are more people who have these connections and experiences but it is very difficult to talk about—partly because of society and partly because of the fragmentation you talk about.

I feel more thoughts about it but they aren’t coming to the surface yet.

 

[spinningmytires]

@Rose White

Thanks, Then you likely understand how confusing my life experiences have been for me.

I know I’m not the only one having these UFO experiences. Eight other blood-relatives had once told me they had at least one UFO sighting. Only my sister had once told me about her very frightening close encounter where an orange luminous ball of light had been closely chasing her car on a winding country road. She was then driving a convertible with the top down! Years later, I'd mentioned this sighting to her and she replied saying she “honestly had no memory of it.” Was this fragmented trauma-related amnesia?

My grandfather multi-witnessed a UFO sighting in early 1947 - this had occurred months before the well publicized Kenneth Arnold UFO sighting. He had immediately reported this sighting to his family who later told me they had believed him - there have been only a few other family sightings that I know of. Still UFO experiences were rarely mentioned in my family.

I suspect that healthy intimate relationships have also been lacking in my family, if passed down from one generation to another - everyone seemed as if ‘pre-wired’ for hyper-vigilance …trying to adapt to a world where they couldn’t feel safe.