Trauma Bonding

[Born to Run]

the more I believe my attachment disorder stuff is the driver of this for me

I tend to agree with you. When thinking from a child's point of view, it will do anything not to be abandoned. In case of very poor attachment to parents, a child may go up to total strangers to try to find a connection or something to attach to. This is described in literature. It could be that abandonment fear is primary to being non selective in people you are with. Even though you may know they are not necessarily good to you, at least there is someone to hold on to, to be with. I have learned that abandonment fear can be like deep existential fear, as it is so linked to survival as a child. Without someone present the child thinks it will not make it alone, at least as such it is programmed in our reptilian brain.

 

[ms spock]

When thinking from a child's point of view, it will do anything not to be abandoned. In case of very poor attachment to parents, a child may go up to total strangers to try to find a connection or something to attach to. This is described in literature. It could be that abandonment fear is primary to being non selective in people you are with. Even though you may know they are not necessarily good to you, at least there is someone to hold on to, to be with. I have learned that abandonment fear can be like deep existential fear, as it is so linked to survival as a child. Without someone present the child thinks it will not make it alone, at least as such it is programmed in our reptilian brain.

This would be the nameless dread as described by Laurence Heller?

 

[Born to Run]

This would be the nameless dread as described by Laurence Heller?

I know Laurence Heller, but have not read his book. I was coming from works like John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, pioneers of attachment theory, and from my own experience with this existential fear and survival in therapy.

 

[Dana1010]

@Ms Spock, it does drill to the root of the thing, doesn't it? It was an epiphany for me as well, a deep one because it goes back even before memory begins. I think that's why my body-mind selected my subconscious as the vehicle for this new awareness, because I have no memory of ever forming that belief whose ramifications are so many. Among them are these related ideas:

1. People who don't like me are important.
2. It's absolutely necessary that I find out what they don't like and change it.
3. Anyone walking around who doesn't like me is a threat to my survival, and I have to make them like me or I am doomed.

Just for the past few days I have been watching these frantic thought patterns and sort of mocking them: "Am I good enough now? Am I good enough now?" For God's sake, yes, you're good enough. You were always good enough, they were the ones who weren't good enough for you.

 

[Powder]

If we can't live without fear, how does one at least not be totally controlled by it?

Fear seems to be at the heart of what creates PTSD and all kinds of other things, too. There are times I am afraid of what I'll feel if I disappoint a total stranger I might never even meet on the phone, and then not care if I'm killed instantly in traffic, because after all, it's life I fear, not death.

Life and all its little emotions seem so dangerous to a fear of the self. I believe underneath all the rest of it is fear of the self, fear that underneath, I could be even a little bit "like them" who did "that" to me. That is what drives all my F's.

 

[ms spock]

@Dana1010 it really is blowing my mind. It is such a big understanding. If I can take it in it will change my life.

 

[ms spock]

@Ms Spock, it does drill to the root of the thing, doesn't it? It was an epiphany for me as well, a deep one because it goes back even before memory begins. I think that's why my body-mind selected my subconscious as the vehicle for this new awareness, because I have no memory of ever forming that belief whose ramifications are so many.

It does drill to the root of the thing - of attachment disorder and dissocation and I have never heard someone say what you are saying before. It has shifted my whole mindset.

Among them are these related ideas:

1. People who don't like me are important.
2. It's absolutely necessary that I find out what they don't like and change it.
3. Anyone walking around who doesn't like me is a threat to my survival, and I have to make them like me or I am doomed.

Yes, yes YES!

I have been watching these frantic thought patterns and sort of mocking them: "Am I good enough now? Am I good enough now?" For God's sake, yes, you're good enough. You were always good enough, they were the ones who weren't good enough for you.

Kindness to those distorted cognitions, and thus yourself! It was survival that gave you those thought patterns, so you are sitting here now, typing on this forum, helping me so much. Honour that process.

 

[ghotiff]

Kindness to those distorted cognitions,

I agree. I don't like the term "distorted cognitions" as it implies that they are incorrect. They are correct and valuable thoughts from childhood. That's what you needed to understand in childhood because that was life.

Now older, that life has changed and new thoughts to navigate this new life are needed, but they were never wrong, they are just no longer right.

Getting off soapbox now.

 

[shimmerz]

Anyone walking around who doesn't like me is a threat to my survival, and I have to make them like me or I am doomed.

This is going to sound creepy strange but I think I need to put this in here. As a bit of background, my parents wanted me dead from womb til adoption. I knew it. I was fighting for my life.

I recognized about 4 years ago that I was 'trauma bonding' immediately when I met people. No, even when I walked past them. I looked into their eyes and smiled, needing a confirmation that they weren't going to hurt me. These were strangers walking by me that I would never speak to for chrissakes!

When I recognized this, I forcefully did not allow myself to look at people when they walked by. Scariest thing ever. I recognized that I felt they were going to come up from behind me and attack me! Such a horrendous feeling. I kept working on it and am through it thank god.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I was enacting (imho) my trauma bonding on everyone I came into any type of contact with. This isn't just about friends and relatives. I was setting myself up from get go. Because certain people look for people like me....

 

[ms spock]

I agree. I don't like the term "distorted cognitions" as it implies that they are incorrect. They are correct and valuable thoughts from childhood. That's what you needed to understand in childhood because that was life.

Yes in childhood that is correct. You are so right @ghotiff. I guess I am in my adult at the moment and I want freedom from the irrational thinking, the irrational thoughts and cognitive distortions- and yes it is important to realise that type of thinking comes from excessive child abuse, it really does - so for me it is not about persecuting myself or being mean to the little me, it is about actually being an adult and going "Whoa time for this 80-90% of distorted cognitions to go now. Thanks for keeping me alive all that time, but you are no longer needed." Cognitive distortions is what that thinking is called in books by people like David Burns, so it is using part of the lingo for me, but thanks for the reminder - what you are saying is spot on for me.

Now older, that life has changed and new thoughts to navigate this new life are needed, but they were never wrong, they are just no longer right.

Yes they are no longer right, and I would not be alive without them now, that is for sure.

 

[shimmerz]

it is fear of the self

yes, and for me it is about how others can damage my SELF. I know that if I can't figure it out that my SELF may shatter once again, perhaps irreparably this time.

 

[ms spock]

I guess what I am trying to say is that I was enacting (imho) my trauma bonding on everyone I came into any type of contact with. This isn't just about friends and relatives. I was setting myself up from get go. Because certain people look for people like me....

I am so glad that this was just not me.