Trauma Bonding

[Dana1010]

You have to imagine a better life for yourself than what you come from.

Or even if you can't imagine it, be willing to try different things that may feel wildly uncomfortable and sweat it out until the chafing stops. Even after visualizing and daydreaming about my life changing for the better and even telling myself I deserve it, once I get up to the plate in real life, I suddenly have voices telling me, "This isn't for you. You're about to be attacked and sent back where you belong. Cut your losses. Don't make a fool out of yourself."

but to me he was and still is the most attractive man on the planet, and I know it's crazy!
Why am I not attracted to normal healthy people?

I think many abusers (and certainly if they're narcs are sociopaths) have a toxic charisma that even people without attachment disorder find addictive. So for those of us who have deep subconscious attachments to individuals like that (our parents) that go back before memory even begins, the bond is doubly strong and doubly poisonous. I think beliefs we can't remember ever forming have a pervasive, existential feel, they don't seem to have a source or originator; they just hang in the air seemingly. I am just realizing this is a belief I have--that I have to seek love from those least likely to give it.

 

[Caroline greenlaw]

Yes we need to take baby steps as albatross mentioned, but when you've come to believe that the milk of mother kindness tastes like cats pee, on a very deep level it's hard to contemplate that anything other is right,

 

[ms spock]

Trauma Bond Characteristics

1. When you obsess about people who have hurt you and they are long gone (obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about and wonder about even though you do not want to)
2. When you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain
3. When you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you
4. When you continue being a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive
5. When you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you
6. When you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable
7. When you are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships
8. When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care
9. When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away
10. When you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen
11. When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you
12. When you are attracted to untrustworthy people
13. When you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse
14. When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility

Please, let me know your thoughts. I would much appreciate it.

I am still really struggling with these. I set boundaries, but I am unable to stick with them.

 

[scout86]

but I am unable to stick with them.

Yet. You're unable to stick with them YET. :hug:

 

[ms spock]

Yes Thanks for that @scout86 yet, yet.

 

[Dana1010]

I am still really struggling with these.

I'm struggling with them too, but only in the relationships to my ghosts of the past. I am too avoidant of real humans to have any actual bonds to deal with, healthy or unhealthy. But so many of those symptoms apply to the way I feel about people from the past. The wanting to be understood despite their lack of interest; choosing to keep arguing your case when it would be so much healthier to drop it and move on. Any third party could see in two seconds that he was the one who acted inappropriately. So why can't I? Just remember that making you feel like you're to blame is the name of their game.

 

[ms spock]

I'm struggling with them too, but only in the relationships to my ghosts of the past... But so many of those symptoms apply to the way I feel about people from the past. The wanting to be understood despite their lack of interest; choosing to keep arguing your case when it would be so much healthier to drop it and move on.

I am struggling with the ghosts of my past more than I am probably interacting with people in my present some days. It is so sad to be stuck there - but at least I am a bit more aware of it now.

Just remember that making you feel like you're to blame is the name of their game.

I forget this. My parents could do some real doozies.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Several times I ran back to my abusive parents. I might even have to again (with my father) if there are MORE benefit cuts. Mother is out of the question, she sexually abused me in childhood. I'd sooner die than go anywhere near such a monster ever again. But the bonding is a nightmare to break. Still a nightmare.

 

[Ann Barry]

Some of this sounds like "fawn responses." Something I read about out here via a post. It's wh...

pete walker

 

[ms spock]

I realised that all last year and the year prior that I was relating to some people as if what I thought in my head that they thought of me was reality. It did cause some damage. I kept babbling on to address what the piping hot shame and humiliation within me was saying that they thought of me and I did not actually interact with these two people as they were in this now - I reacted to them as I THOUGHT they were thinking about me - so I projected all my stuff on to them.

 

[aut555]

Really enjoyed reading this and everybody's interpretation of this trauma bonding. I will have this tattooed on my forehead. Lol. My interpretation is familiarity is what we know and respond to even unconsciously, subconsciously, we feel sucked in. So if you don't do the cleaning of your emotional garage, it gets more cluttered and the patterns persist because we stay in denial about our abandonment, rejection feelings, feel right at home to insert yours. Another one is we keep riding the same trick pony, we go through the same tricks over and over, repetition becomes the comfort zone and all the bad choices that go with it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Not sure if or where this fits in, but isn't it said somewhere that no one can ever fully heal the wounds of childhood? (Can't remember where I read it.. :( :rolleyes: )