Trauma Bonding

[shimmerz]

I am so glad that this was just not me

Are you interested in sharing @Ms Spock? I get the feeling that a bunch of people here do things to attract people who are not helpful and they don't even realize how.... just wondering if it might help others...

 

[Dana1010]

They are correct and valuable thoughts from childhood. That's what you needed to understand in childhood because that was life.

I have to disagree here. I was treated a certain way and in my child's mind concluded that something was fundamentally wrong and unlovable about me and that's why no one cared about my well being. That was never correct or valuable, it was just wrong.

 

[Dana1010]

I get the feeling that a bunch of people here do things to attract people who are not helpful and they don't even realize how.... just wondering if it might help others...

Not helpful...ha ha. Yeah, that would be one way to put it. One of the major narc/socios I had the misfortune of falling prey to said that he'd watched me (we were at the same social functions) and noticed that I couldn't socialize sober. He actually counted the number of drinks I needed (three) before I could start talking to people. I guess the social anxiety and lack of confidence was coming off of me in fumes in those days. So I guess one thing people should do is try to appear confident because that's something that repels narcissists. The last thing a raging egomaniac wants around is another big ego. In fact, I remember him disparaging someone who was a lot like him frankly (narcissistic, domineering, spotlight hog). "I keep my distance," he said. Yeah, I'm sure you do. Not enough weakness there for you to sink your fangs into.

 

[shimmerz]

Not enough weakness there for you to sink your fangs into

Yes. And this is exactly what I am attempting to train myself to do. Make myself as unappealing as humanly possible while maintaining my core self. Harder than one might seem to think.

 

[Dana1010]

@shimmerz, I think your time might be better spent learning to spot vampires than weighing yourself down with garlands of garlic--especially if the later is proving cumbersome. Just my opinion. Of course, in these matters one can't have enough defenses going for them.

 

[shimmerz]

I think your time might be better spent learning to spot vampires than weighing yourself down with garlands of garlic

:shifty: and :cautious: is my motto now Dana. It used to be :hug: and :sorry: or :inlove:. Now? Not so much. I have spent so much time understanding how I have gotten trapped. Over and over and over again. Wish me luck when I step back out into that big world again, will you? :cool:

 

[Born to Run]

I know that if I can't figure it out that my SELF may shatter once again

I get the impression you understand quite well where it comes from, but keep doing it although you rationally know you keep doing it. Would this not be therapy material? I don't know exactly, but assume you already did tons of that. I have gone through the disorganized attachment I had in therapy, and this has changed much in my view of other people. In that when you connect with someone it does not mean you are trapped by them simultaneously. It was quite a hysterical session as I was on the floor with a blanket all over me to hide myself, my therapist on a cushion on the floor on one side, the chair of the therapist on the other side. I was terrified to reach out to my therapist, as I thought I would be trapped again, and clinging to the side of the chair, like I can not need someone to depend on. On the other hand I knew I had to solve this by reaching out to my therapist, so finally held his hand, but I was totally panicking underneath that blanket, as now I would be trapped again. To let go and hide behind the chair again. Finally I was able to hold his hand, and calmed down as he said you can let go any moment you decide to, I am not trapping you, you are free to go.
It is that I have always kept a very big distance to relationships, because I knew I would feel trapped. Better alone than to be trapped. I hope this will be able to shift in the near future.

 

[shimmerz]

connect with someone it does not mean you are trapped by them simultaneously

Yes, therapy is not an option at this time Born and I wasn't quite ready for my attachment stuff when I was doing therapy. It is screaming at me though Born. I need to take care of this. I am just trying to take in what the above quote actually means. I thank you for reminding me of it.

What a beautiful story you shared of your struggle with this Born.... thank you so much for that.... :hug:

 

[ms spock]

@shimmerz, I think your time might be better spent learning to spot vampires than weighing yourself down with garlands of garlic--especially if the later is proving cumbersome.

/me face palms

I have been leaving the house without any garlic! Damn it! I knew I was walking around without some of the fundamentals!

Seriously it is like not having a skin and going out into the world.

 

[shimmerz]

not having a skin and going out into the world

Yes, it is. And for me it was like not seeing that everyone else had a skin....

 

[Powder]

As my trauma started to really break through to surface, I noticed Narcissists as if they were wearing bells. No matter how nice, it was like all I heard was the Narc Alert, Narc Alert, Narc Alert going off in the background. This was in the form of a very subtle but profound instinct to Run Away!!!

If I forced myself to be civil to such types, I'd feel a panic attack coming on and have to leave. It is still very unpleasant to be in the same room as one, but I have learned to manage the alarms.

 

[ms spock]

@Muse that sounds like you have worked on some good skills there, I aim to get to that place.