dharmaBum
Platinum Member
It has been years since I've posted much through this forum. I've been getting so much better than the worst times, but here I am again in the spiraling cycle of life. I've probably written virtually this same post before, but today, I'm just going to write it again. The contact/support I've experienced through this forum in the past have been one of the best methods for shaking the cobwebs of dissociation out of my head.
A nightmare- freshly standing alone on a trauma-topic that hasn't been troubling me lately (thank goodness for a break sometimes!). When I wake, I realize by the calendar that it is the beginning of a long annual trauma-versary struggle against dissociation that I have been aware of for at least the last 20 years.
I search through the manual "Coping with trauma-related dissociation" regarding nightmares, and I'm reminded to write them down. But now that I am here, I'm resistant to delving into the details and the analysis.
Maybe the highlights... The dream ambiance is that of current reality and the dream-experience is hyper-detailed, leaving a very strong detailed memory of it as well:
I come across a posting online. It is a person who raped me. He is writing a review of what it was like to rape me when I was three- what his satisfaction level was with various acts [the dream details are confused between two separate abusers from different time periods]. I glance down and see there are 25 pages of forum responses.
I go into super-freakout panic mode and want to report him to the authorities as he has confessed publicly to his assaults, but I think even with a 25-page forum confession I won't be believed. I show it to my husband who is immediately outraged and certain the abuser can/should be reported.
After the dream, I wake up in fear and sick from "reading" the details of the assaults. I realize it is likely the trauma-versary of a rape from when I was 11. I remember that there will be many of these trauma-versaries over the next few weeks that have often marred the enjoyment of the end of summer and the experience of Labor Day holidays. I remember this goes on until the spring and that I claw my way up through dissociation better and better every year, but that I am so tired that this is my life and it is so hard to float above it all at times.
A nightmare- freshly standing alone on a trauma-topic that hasn't been troubling me lately (thank goodness for a break sometimes!). When I wake, I realize by the calendar that it is the beginning of a long annual trauma-versary struggle against dissociation that I have been aware of for at least the last 20 years.
I search through the manual "Coping with trauma-related dissociation" regarding nightmares, and I'm reminded to write them down. But now that I am here, I'm resistant to delving into the details and the analysis.
Maybe the highlights... The dream ambiance is that of current reality and the dream-experience is hyper-detailed, leaving a very strong detailed memory of it as well:
I come across a posting online. It is a person who raped me. He is writing a review of what it was like to rape me when I was three- what his satisfaction level was with various acts [the dream details are confused between two separate abusers from different time periods]. I glance down and see there are 25 pages of forum responses.
I go into super-freakout panic mode and want to report him to the authorities as he has confessed publicly to his assaults, but I think even with a 25-page forum confession I won't be believed. I show it to my husband who is immediately outraged and certain the abuser can/should be reported.
After the dream, I wake up in fear and sick from "reading" the details of the assaults. I realize it is likely the trauma-versary of a rape from when I was 11. I remember that there will be many of these trauma-versaries over the next few weeks that have often marred the enjoyment of the end of summer and the experience of Labor Day holidays. I remember this goes on until the spring and that I claw my way up through dissociation better and better every year, but that I am so tired that this is my life and it is so hard to float above it all at times.
