Triggered By My Body

[Chava]

A pain psychologist that I met with recently seemed to sum everything up for me in saying, "You're triggered by your body."

WHOA. yeah.

We weren't talking trauma details. She knew I was working with a trauma therapist, she knew my list of medical issues and major symptoms (anorexia, panic, chronic pain), and we talked about the pain a little. But just hearing in phrased that way felt like a major "duh" and also reaffirmed the somatic stuff I'm working on.

I don't feel like I have a massive list of triggers (not that it's totally clear)...certain people creep me out for no clear reason, I avoid close relationships, and I avoid open spaces if I can...this isn't hard to do, so it doesn't feel like a big deal. I'm triggered by certain kinds of touch, certain people, and chaotic or overly unpredictable environments. I'm a good avoider. But mostly it's been my whole body, which I can't get away from without self-destructing. I've been numb for a long time and also experienced my "self" as existing in a space just a bit outside of my body (this has gotten a little better). In the past couple years the majority of symptoms related to internal sensations, which I used to not feel at all...now I'm working with moving from overwhelm to tolerance. I can't get away from my body, so the somatic therapy approach has been helpful for learning how to live in it better. Mindful movement and daily walks help too.

Does anyone else relate to being triggered by their own body? What has helped your recovery in this area?

 

[darrenS]

that makes sense , in fact when i was in Sheppard Pratt they contacted my pain dr and told her under no circumstances was my pain to be under medicated and every step must be taken to ensure i dont slip into serious pain as it triggers a series decent into full blown ptsd symptoms

 

[Chava]

I have to keep pain under control too. The sensation of it being out of control sends me into meltdown mode, feeling stuck in a glob of all time glued together, and disproportionately immobilized (which triggers other stuff). Many symptoms have settled. Pain is the worst. But there's quite a range of sensations I don't tolerate very well. Good to find doctors who understand.

 

[darrenS]

it makes the world of difference when your drs are behind you

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

All the time. In fact I think my body might be my main trigger right now. It didn't use to be, because like you, I was skilled at "not really being" in my body, and I also have had episodes where I was floating outside of my body, not in it.

I do not have any of the intense pain you have written about in earlier posts, so I cannot relate completely, but I do frequently ache because of the tension I build up in my body, because I am afraid of feeling my body, if that makes any sense. I tense up because I'm afraid of my body, but the tensing up only leads to me feeling my body even more (paradoxes are horrible!)

Can't say I am good with dealing with this yet. I don't have a lot of know-how concerning how to handle physical existence, always been more tuned into the mind and into spiritual things. I think the key is to "relax" into the body, by doing relaxation techniques everyday and taking real good care of it, but then again some days the fear is just too intense.

 

[Chava]

I do frequently ache because of the tension I build up in my body, because I am afraid of feeling my body, if that makes any sense. I tense up because I'm afraid of my body, but the tensing up only leads to me feeling my body even more (paradoxes are horrible!)

That makes a lot of sense. And yes I feel that terrible paradox as well (from numbness to feeling, which is important but OVERWHELMING). Before my current somatic-focused trauma therapist, I was seeing an eating disorder therapist because I finally decided I was willing to do the "right" thing and gain weight (was having horrible symptoms). I went from feeling nothing to loads of panic, near black-outs, and quickly it all seemed to morph into chronic pain. I didn't like that my therapist seemed to suggest I had become too sensitive. But she sort of understood I had gone from zero sensations (no hunger cues, nothing) to sensing TOO MUCH.

I have to be able to live in my body, feel pain and hunger and other sensations in a way that allow me to respond and take care of myself. But it's been extremely hard. I can play a few musical instruments but I do not know how to be alive and have a body very well. It's overly complicated sometimes. :nailbiting::sour:

 

[greycrayon]

Yeah I get this. Sometimes I look down over my body and its like I'm wondering why it's there? Or I get the sensation that some people describe as 'what happens when you break your arm and it's off at the wrong angle'. It's difficult for me to feel my feet on the ground or the sensation of my full weight. I think I feel a bit like a jellyfish-like. I didn't realise the difference until I have started coming back into my body for time to time that there was this whole other experience out there of living

Frequent exercise helps me

 

[Chava]

I didn't realise the difference until I have started coming back into my body for time to time that there was this whole other experience out there of living

Yes! It's been mostly terrible and uninvited for me!! (had to recover from anorexia through noticing some normal cues and noticing my body in a different, less disconnected way...it was just terrible for me, but I'm not sure what the other option was from where I was at). Having a therapist who can help me through this a bit now it helpful...at least not 100% horrid. I've had a bad pain day. But I'm starting to notice some good sensations too. They are tiny, which is okay because too much of anything freaks me out.