Triggered by University/Studying (CPTSD)

[themightypenguin200]

I've been looking online for people with similar triggers and experiences but I can't really find many posts/resources on this so I wanted to ask on here.

I wanted to know if anyone has studying/academics as a trigger for their CPTSD? I'm asking because for me academics/studying have been the largest most common triggers for me so far in my life and the majority of time ive spent triggered, atleast in the worst of those times, I can trace it back to being reminded of academics/studying/university first. I've also spent the last 3 months triggered and I'm sure I can trace it back to flashing back to certain memories/feelings as a result of thinking about studying.

For context: I've been getting depressed on and off since 14/15 (now 22) and it's taken a long time and alot of research/therapy to come to terms with it being CPTSD. I had a very chaotic time growing up, particularly at home with family members and parents in an unstable marriage. Cut a long story, I basically have been going through these periods of depression, lasting anywhere from weeks to months, that really just tear through my life. When im in these depressions, my actions become more erratic, I've often skipped days at high school/university, missed assignments, gone days without showering, let my room and routine turn into a mess, get into arguments with people - basically just stumbling through life until the depressive period ended. Around a couple years ago I read the book 'How to deal with emotionally immature parents for mature adults by Lindsay Gibson' and alongside therapy for a couple years, it really helped me realise how much my parents/family were triggering me alot and when I reduced contact with them, I really got better at navigating my triggers and having an 'Inner adult' that could step up in times of stress, stabilise me and even become more anticipatory and pre-emptive with alot of my triggers.

The last 3 months though I feel like i've metaphorically fallen off a cliff when it comes to stability. I live each day on survival mode, I've gone through bouts of su* ideation (I'm safe now), I can't think straight, my accomodation and routine is a total mess, I sleep very little, I'm basically very dysregulated. I've found with other triggers, doing something to occupy myself in the moment (i.e: Video games, exercise, seeing friends/partner) for a few days or weeks at a max, and reflecting/journalling intermittently throughout this time, helps me to get to the bottom of the trigger and make the neccessary changes to my lifestyle or challenge certain thoughts that allow me to come out of the trigger. But for the last 3 months, I've been attempting to do this and although I guess it's allowed me to stop doing certain further destructive actions (more than I already am), it hasn't helped me detrigger.

I know the trigger I'm in is studying related, and I know it's making me go back to a certain time in my childhood but I basically don't know what to do about it. I'm wondering if anyone has had similar experiences and how they navigate it. Or if anyone has any insights as to why this happens, particularly midway through an academic year as oppose to at the start of it. And why I feel a sense of relief and easier to detrigger when I think about the academic year finishing.

Sorry if this post is a bit disorganised and unclear, I tried to express everything as clearly as I could.

 

[arfie]

hello penguin. welcome to the forum.

i have. i still don't have a degree because of it. i believe mine is connected to my dropout syndrome. it took me 5 high schools to drop out of 10th grade twice. my birth family moved an average of every 6 months during my childhood. they went into overdrive when i entered high school. i always dream --still, at 70-- of academic distinction, but academia and instability are not good traveling companions.

 

[Sideways]

The Working With Triggers article might interest you. But honestly, it also sounds like you’re struggling with some pretty intense episodes of depression and it may be worth getting some support for that. Life doesn’t need to be this hard.

In terms of generally managing to stay in a more regulated space, there’s very few things that tap that more directly than the PTSD Cup Analogy. With PTSD in the mix, everything gets harder, and managing our underlying stress levels can be a game changer for so many other issues that flow from a system that’s always on the precipice of overflowing.

 

[themightypenguin200]

I wanted to write an update here because things have improved recently (fingers crossed that lasts) and incase anyone reads this later on it might be helpful. At this point im feeling gradually gradually less triggered and able to handle different things in life. Eating better, sleeping better, and even studying better...it's not perfect honestly but it's improving.

The last 3 months were awful (Jan-March). Like absolutely awful. It's everything i described above and more. I've had worse triggers before I guess but the last 3 months were terrible. The hard part about it all was the confusion for me. I knew i was triggered, i knew it had something to do with studying/academics and CPTSD for me, and things growing up with my family...but I just couldn't piece it together and that confused me and frustrated me each day and made it so that I didn't really change mood wise, routine wise or anything wise day by day. I would try to force myself back into doing things but it only seemed to make my behaviour more chaotic and lifestyle more erratic. When i tried doing nothing and forgetting/avoiding studying, that also didn't seem to help and just seemed to keep me in the same place.

Anyway. I wanted to write out what I did. I really don't wanna write this out like some motivational post online, I see lots of people post on subreddits like getstudying or discplined or other ones about specific methods they used to get back into studying, or specific things they do that work for them or only apply for them really and a select few people. I just wanna give my perspective for myself, i guess its kinda therapeutic to type this all out also.

START: What I did was, I started gradually exposing myself bcak to studying. For the 3 months I basically spent it either trying to force myself back into the amount of studying i was doing before I went in a triggered state, or just leave it until the trigger passed. Neither really worked. So I started trying to gradually expose myself. It started really slow and painful. I started with 2 mins of studying. Then it was 5 mins, then it was 7 mins, 10 mins, 15 mins, 20 mins. Sometimes I would do too much one day and have to go back from 20 mins to 2 mins...it was very slow progress. But gradually it started to feel less overwhelming and depressing and painful for me, my stomach would turn and I'd have to grip my desk and push into the surface just to control my shaking. It was terrible in the moment but after each studying session I felt a bit more able to tolerate the pain...the pain wasn't really going away but I was just becoming more tolerable to it. Eventually I got into an hour I could do of uninterrupted studying a day. Nowhere near where I was before January and nowhere near what i needed in the moment to meet the demands of my course but something. The more I could handle, the more I would start handling other parts of my life. I cleaned my room, stopped ordering fast food, showered each morning, brushed my teeth...I did my laundry for the first time in ages and actually cleaned my kitchen. It really wasn't linear improvement but it got better bit by bit.

The turning point for me was when I realised what I was doing that was painful maybe pre-january. I watched a ted talk on youtube about people who burnout, it didnt really fully apply to me with cptsd and everything but i was just desperate for solutions. I can't find the video again but I remember the woman saying basically that when someone burns out, they normally follow a trajectory of going away from that task, and then gradually returning to it before having a 'renegotiation of the contract with themselves/work'. As in say someone burns out from their job, for them to return fully towards it in a good mental state they need to either leave a toxic workplace or renegotiate with themselves which work they're willing to take on etc (otherwise they'll burnout again and never fully recover).

Anyway, for me, Idk why but this kinda clicked in my head and I thought...I know I have this issue with studying and trauma/memories. I've always had ever since i was young and any time ive become triggered or gone spiralling into a deep depression, it's mostly been academic/studying related. I guess it's to do alot with my relationship with my mum. I realised that before January...I was really pushing myself to the limit in terms of managing the triggers that flared up from studying. I was constantly pushing myself to study more and more, even as hard feelings would flare up. When i would become overwhelmed i would just take days off and eventually gain enough energy to resume...but in january that approach just didn't work and so i remained stuck in the same place.

Tldr: And so i realised that if studying is a trigger, I need to gradually expose myself towards it at times...Doing less at times when the trigger gets larger and doing more at times when i feel more able to manage it. And build up the time I study, because if i do too much at once and dont compromise at all then the feelings and memories are really just gonna overwhelm me.

I know it sounds obvious but yeah this is what helped me. Sorry for the long writing/post!

 

[themightypenguin200]

I wanted to write an update here because things have improved recently (fingers crossed that lasts) and incase anyone reads this later on it might be helpful. At this point im feeling gradually gradually less triggered and able to handle different things in life. Eating better, sleeping better, and even studying better...it's not perfect honestly but it's improving.

The last 3 months were awful (Jan-March). Like absolutely awful. It's everything i described above and more. I've had worse triggers before I guess but the last 3 months were terrible. The hard part about it all was the confusion for me. I knew i was triggered, i knew it had something to do with studying/academics and CPTSD for me, and things growing up with my family...but I just couldn't piece it together and that confused me and frustrated me each day and made it so that I didn't really change mood wise, routine wise or anything wise day by day. I would try to force myself back into doing things but it only seemed to make my behaviour more chaotic and lifestyle more erratic. When i tried doing nothing and forgetting/avoiding studying, that also didn't seem to help and just seemed to keep me in the same place.

Anyway. I wanted to write out what I did. I really don't wanna write this out like some motivational post online, I see lots of people post on subreddits like getstudying or discplined or other ones about specific methods they used to get back into studying, or specific things they do that work for them or only apply for them really and a select few people. I just wanna give my perspective for myself, i guess its kinda therapeutic to type this all out also.

START: What I did was, I started gradually exposing myself bcak to studying. For the 3 months I basically spent it either trying to force myself back into the amount of studying i was doing before I went in a triggered state, or just leave it until the trigger passed. Neither really worked. So I started trying to gradually expose myself. It started really slow and painful. I started with 2 mins of studying. Then it was 5 mins, then it was 7 mins, 10 mins, 15 mins, 20 mins. Sometimes I would do too much one day and have to go back from 20 mins to 2 mins...it was very slow progress. But gradually it started to feel less overwhelming and depressing and painful for me, my stomach would turn and I'd have to grip my desk and push into the surface just to control my shaking. It was terrible in the moment but after each studying session I felt a bit more able to tolerate the pain...the pain wasn't really going away but I was just becoming more tolerable to it. Eventually I got into an hour I could do of uninterrupted studying a day. Nowhere near where I was before January and nowhere near what i needed in the moment to meet the demands of my course but something. The more I could handle, the more I would start handling other parts of my life. I cleaned my room, stopped ordering fast food, showered each morning, brushed my teeth...I did my laundry for the first time in ages and actually cleaned my kitchen. It really wasn't linear improvement but it got better bit by bit.

The turning point for me was when I realised what I was doing that was painful maybe pre-january. I watched a ted talk on youtube about people who burnout, it didnt really fully apply to me with cptsd and everything but i was just desperate for solutions. I can't find the video again but I remember the woman saying basically that when someone burns out, they normally follow a trajectory of going away from that task, and then gradually returning to it before having a 'renegotiation of the contract with themselves/work'. As in say someone burns out from their job, for them to return fully towards it in a good mental state they need to either leave a toxic workplace or renegotiate with themselves which work they're willing to take on etc (otherwise they'll burnout again and never fully recover).

Anyway, for me, Idk why but this kinda clicked in my head and I thought...I know I have this issue with studying and trauma/memories. I've always had ever since i was young and any time ive become triggered or gone spiralling into a deep depression, it's mostly been academic/studying related. I guess it's to do alot with my relationship with my mum. I realised that before January...I was really pushing myself to the limit in terms of managing the triggers that flared up from studying. I was constantly pushing myself to study more and more, even as hard feelings would flare up. When i would become overwhelmed i would just take days off and eventually gain enough energy to resume...but in january that approach just didn't work and so i remained stuck in the same place.

Tldr: And so i realised that if studying is a trigger, I need to gradually expose myself towards it at times...Doing less at times when the trigger gets larger and doing more at times when i feel more able to manage it. And build up the time I study, because if i do too much at once and dont compromise at all then the feelings and memories are really just gonna overwhelm me.

I know it sounds obvious but yeah this is what helped me. Sorry for the long writing/post!

Another update...

Today I've woken up finding myself overwhelmed by my triggers and right back in a triggered state. i can barely manage 1 minute of uninterrupted studying let alone 30 mins or an hour or anywhere near what I need to keep up with the demands of my course. I'm really dysregulated, overeating, oversleeping and depressed. This whole 'gradual exposure' i wrote about has not worked at all. I guess I jumped the gun in claiming i'd finally found a way to tolerate my triggers. Today is awful, as was yesterday, I have no answers, and now as im replying to this old reply i ontop of that feel like a fraud

 

[Friday]

This whole 'gradual exposure' i wrote about has not worked at all.

Try treating it like a stressor on your system, which it is (for everyone, not just ptsd peeps), instead of as triggers.

Stress/Stressors/Triggers ALL cause symptomatic reactions with PTSD. But how they’re best worked around? Are very different.

- Blow off stress early, often, & as needed… before, during, & after studying.

- Double down on not stressing your body (eat, sleep, exercise, relaxation/breaks/fun)

- Make sure you’re balancing the other areas of your life (emotional/physical/social) in addition to the mental. There’s a durn good reason people in university tend toward a lot of silliness (like watching cartoons day to day instead of gripping award winning feature films, which are saved for boring weeks), listening to music, childlike play (climbing trees, roughhousing, carousing, shouting, singing, surface level socialising, etc.). Regardless of age. 40 & 60yos get up to as much mischief as 20yos, when returning to school. Even more if they’re also working/parenting/etc. TIRED BRAINS need rest. Meanwhile bodies need to make up the difference in physical activity, comfort foods, sleeeeeeping, recharging (alone time or extrovert time), etc., etc., etc..

- Read >>> The ptsd cup explanation <<< For more ideas about stress management.