Trip This Weekend To A Big Trigger Place

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hi Everyone,

I planned a trip this weekend to a HUGE trigger place, but I have to go because giving my word is very important to me and so is the project I will be working on. When I first agreed to it, a week ago, I completely forgot that this city was a huge trigger for me because I have not been back to this place since it happened.

Basically, since I was just so vague, it is a photo shoot I booked. I cannot cancel because I feel I would be doing a huge disservice not only to the team of people who are already scheduled, but also to myself for allowing PTSD to control me and me getting a paycheck.

This place is the city I was in with my ex (my biggest reason for PTSD) when the newspaper article was written and we got a call from the DA about the witness protection program. A lot of traumatic events took place there. Well, I am going back to the city. I will also be staying at my friend's house, a house my ex and I had to hide out in for a time (long story), and the most that I can do is sleep in a different bedroom as there are 4 bedrooms in the house.

My reason for posting about this is because I am feeling a lot of anxiety about the trip. It wasn't as bad until my husband told me last night that he would have to work over this weekend to meet a crazy deadline that he is freaking out about. He was initially going to go there with me and we had fun things planned for just the two of us in between set work.

Now, I will be driving there by myself. One good thing is that my friend knows about my condition. He is the photographer, a very nice old man, who I have known for 8 years as he was my very first photographer as a model. He is very safe and I feel comfortable around him. He is like a grandpa to me and I even call him Poppa.

Anyway, so far, I have already thought about what I will do when I am there.

I will not allow thoughts of people thinking that I am a freak destroy my ability to ask for breaks so I can ground myself. I will utilize the coping skills that I have been learning about over the last few days.

I also thought about bringing snacks, cold water, candy, etc, things to help me with dissociating, etc on my drive and while I am there.

I have a navigation system in my car and it is a new car so I will not have stress about getting lost or something happening to the car along the way. I will also leave to drive during the day as night driving increases the anxiety.

I also checked my fuel tank capacity and matched it up with the mileage and found that I can make it all the way there on one tank of gas with some to spare so I will not have to stop at any strange place to re-fuel.

I have a radio in there, etc that I can play inspirational tunes that make me feel better.

I have blue tooth that connects to my car so I am able to call someone when I don't feel okay. My car has a USB port so I will not have to worry about the battery on my phone dying on my trip.

I also have Benadryl to help me sleep and Valerian root to assist with anxiety.

Also, I never drink or use drugs, but I do drink wine on occasion. I decided that I will not drink any kind of alcohol while I am there, no matter how badly I feel.

I will also have internet access on my phone and ipad while I'm there so I can come online to these forums.

Do you have anymore ideas? I mean like tools to suggest I can use on the drive and while I am there to keep myself grounded and okay? Or do you think I have everything covered?

 

[seedling]

StrongerNow, I'm impressed by your planning, you have so many bases covered. I find it interesting that you forgot about the trigger for long enough to agree to go, and to have it be an agreement to something that wouldn't be easy for you to back out of. Maybe part of you is ready to face something there.

Will you be able to have time to yourself to let out emotions that come up? (if that's your style, I like to be alone and be able to let out emotion that I can't show in front of others or in public). Have you given yourself some re-grouping time alone if that's what you need.

I'm sorry that your husband can't go, that makes it more of a challenge.

Are you obligated to stay in your friend's house? Is that what you want or have to do? Do you have another location that you could go to if you find yourself having trouble?

You show such courage in doing this. It won't be easy but I hope there is an opportunity for some healing for you in some way. You can have a new picture of this place on your own terms.

You are not a freak, you are respecting yourself for where you're at without letting it control your life.

All the best

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

That's interesting. Maybe you're right. The same thing happened to me over the holidays. My husband and I went on a month and a half long road trip and various locations were forgotten about as well as well as triggers of being in a car driving across country and some other stuff. I was in a flashback for a long time during that experience, but I got through it. I will never do it again. In fact, we even joked about how now we know why people go to Hawaii for vacation :D

I think that's why I've been feeling a portion of the anxiety is because last time I went through it, my husband was with me. He knows me so well and knew just what was going on by the way I was acting and speaking. He grounded me and brought me back to the present. As soon as he called it for what it was, a flashback, I immediately came back and started crying, but boy did I feel so much better afterward.

This is the first week that I am attempting to utilize coping skills and ground myself because he can't be with me all of the time. This is also the first time I am venturing out away from home without him without being dissociated and unaware if that makes sense.

Maybe you're right. Maybe it would be good to just keep that mentality. To think of it as a challenge and more healing. I like the sound of that, "having a new picture of this place on my own terms". That means I get to be in control, which I felt quite the opposite during that experience.

No, I am not obligated to stay in my friend's house, but I do not feel safe going anywhere else because then I will be completely alone. Also, my husband does not feel safe with me going anywhere else not familiar so it's a mutual decision. He knows my friend and feels that I would be safer staying with him.

I will be able to have time to myself if I need to regroup and I can ask for breaks. My friend is the photographer on set and he is well aware of my PTSD. He has also witnessed me going through the trauma, has helped me before, and as well as when PTSD took over so that's great.

Thank you for reading and responding to my post. Thanks for your encouragement.

 

[seedling]

Your friend sounds absolutely wonderful!

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

So far, everything has been okay. I am remembering A LOT but it seems my body is experiencing most of the symptoms this time around. Nausea, numbness, tingling, muscle aches, weakness, and dizziness.

I am just letting it and found a way to self care with acceptance and not freaking out about it.

I find myself internally saying, "Yes body. You remember. It is okay. You are safe."

I caught myself feeling really unsafe a couple of times, but I was able to calm myself. I have dissociated a little bit here and there but I excused myself to be alone and practice grounding.

One photo shoot down, one more to go tomorrow. It will be a bigger crew of people. I have decided that I am just not going to be afraid of it. Like, I will just use the camera to express what I feel. Thankfully, it is a moody/editorial shoot so I do not have to worry about faking positive emotions. And I can request a mirror put in front of me so I can stay in the present because there will not be colors to choose from really.

Ugh. I cannot wait to go home. Lol

 

[Hashi]

StrongerNow, you're doing so well! Stay with it. This is such an achievement. :tup::)

 

[seedling]

Hope it went well today. I love the "use the camera to express what I feel." Get your work done and take care of yourself all at the same time. Being yourself.

 

[nomedic1]

We all believe in you Stronger ,you can do this you have strong spirit.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks for all of your support. I made it home last night and I'm tired.

 

[nomedic1]

Proud of you.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

(((@nomedic1)))