Trusting flashbacks and emdr

[Haven]

Several months ago I was in an extremely abusive situation. I'm now in the middle of an investigation with the police. I started EMDR a couple months ago, and it brought up a lot of blocked memories. There were weeks I just don't remember, and everything is very hazy. I was in and out of the hospital a lot. I found out with my therapist one of the main reasons why I don't remember is that my abuser would choke me so I would pass out everyday and then he just did whatever he wanted to me.

I'm having a hard time, because the police want you to be absolutely sure when you say what happened because you have to testify in court. The memories I regained from EMDR are hard for me to say are for sure true. They don't feel like they could be real. Yet I feel everything, and it's always in a way I didn't expect. Every time I go back to EMDR its the same, just maybe a little more information, or another image, mostly I feel things.

It's bad enough whenever I talk about the situation that my throat turns bright red just talking about it, and I feel like I'm choking. If it's my time of the month everything gets ten times worse. I was doing really great with EMDR for a while, and then my abuser bought a bunch of guns and started yelling at the police when they called him. I have memories of him putting a gun to my head before which are hard for me to believe. Mainly the memories from EMDR, I don't feel connected to. I don't have a way to connect what I'm seeing and feeling to a memory I recognize. It feels like a crazy dream. Yet it makes sense at the same time.

I know the things probably happened, but many of the memories are grotesque, sick, and sadistic. They scare me terribly. I used to never know why whenever I saw him I felt like my life was ending, I was filled with immense terror. Now I know. Denial is like my security blanket. Some days I just pray that I'm actually crazy and making it all up. It just sucks that there isn't a lot of evidence, and I don't have a lot of confidence in things, and he denies everything. I feel like I'm in a losing battle, and the moment he walks free he will kill me. I have a bag packed and ready the moment the police say he is acting strangely and to get to a safe spot. I can't sleep anymore. I'm so scared he'll come to my apartment and just start shooting.

I want to confidently say I know the memories are real, but its hard. I'm a very logical person. My abuser is extremely charismatic. I used to do whatever he said. Now I'm trying to stop him from hurting more people. I just wish I knew for sure what happened. Sorry, it's a lot. Any suggestions for my situation would be helpful. I know I'll be going to therapy for a while.

 

[Deadman]

Any suggestions for my situation would be helpful. I know I'll be going to therapy for a while.

I think you have it right there. Concentrate on your therapy and getting your self back. Protecting others is a noble goal but you can't do it without saving yourself first.

 

[Shoshanna]

Several months ago I was in an extremely abusive situation. I'm now in the middle of an investigation wit...

Trauma lodges itself in the body so trust your body reactions. The mind may not completely send you all the details especially if you were dissociated. The brain tries to resolve gaps to make a clear picture so it can supply details that may not be completely correct but it may be the way you perceived it at the time. The important thing is that something happened or you wouldn't be having the issues. It is unfortunate that the police need details that you may not be able to supply. Trust that if it feels like truth in your body then say it. I have worked as a Trauma Specialist Mental Health therapist for over 24 years and have Complex PTSD myself. EMDR can be very helpful to some people. The thing with EMDR is that you don't have to recall everything to be able to process it in the brain. If a memory feels true in your gut, it probably is. Good luck.