Hello there everyone,
My name is Lyz and I'm lost. Everyone has just been telling me my whole life that this is the person that I am ( the person that PTSD has turned me into), and that I just need to 'get over it'. They go on to tell me how great my life is and so on and so forth. I do have a lot of drive but I fill that is a a trait very common with PTSD, though I am also severely depressed, have OCD, huge anxiety issues, been trying to stay off meds bc the side effects are killer...but after this past week. I'm starting to think that other people don't believe that this isn't me but the disease because I haven't fully admitted it to myself. I'm going on Monday to get on meds and hopefully start up therapy also. I'm reaching out here for some support as well as going to try to find some anger management or something in town or maybe therapy will help with that also.
At first thought, I thought I was molested by one of my older brothers (whom is still my dad favorite child to this day), when I was around the age of kindergarten but after bring it up with my dad this year that I needed to know that he knew what went on and did nothing to help me, my father admitted to me that it must have taken place when I was younger around 2-3 years old, but may have gone on til I started school. I hadn't told my mother until I was a little older and she took me in but because my father had custody at the time, for some reason the child welfare place said they couldn't look into it.
My father also beat me and my mom admitted that she caught my oldest brother in my room one night as well. These two brothers were both 12+ years older than me. As the years went on the brothers were allowed to verbally abuse me as much as they wanted but after I had gone to seen welfare they hadn't touched me after that. My dad encouraged it, always inviting them over for functions, I often went into black outs and beat others up or ran away.
My mother wasn't around much and eventually my dad transferred me to a private high school, where he isolated me not allowing me to form any friends, would forget to pick me up from school (the school was across town), and the first year I just gave up and asked a friend to drive me instead of me walking part of the way until my dad decided to pick me up and my dad didn't let me play any other sports after that - because for some reason he thought he sent me to an all girl school.
I had also been raped, sexually harassed at school and work, dad kicked me out senior year and I lived alone, had car broken into, tried to commit suicide and was in rehab for few days, use to be a cutter also.
Recently I let a friend move in that needed the help, my husband is the one that works, I do odd jobs for extra money but thats a 10th of what he brings in. We have two children as well and only a three bedroom house. She moves in with her son and I give her one of the rooms.
Everything was fine the first week but then she wouldn't help out around the house anymore, suppose stress of supporting another person got to me. She would come up to me and spank me really hard unexpectedly, though we'd play games like this I never did it to her unexpectedly I always made it funny, the last time she did it I almost went into an episode, but just breathed through my flashback. I guess I was yelling at her telling her not to do that because this happens (where I was shaking really bad anxiety spiked and was crying) she just stood there looked at me and was like we were just playing all morning and now you wanna yell at me? and was like yeah right whatever and walked out of the house and slammed the door. Like I was making it up??
I told her earlier this morning to not to do it when I didn't expect it and she said that I just coulnd't take my own medicine, (but I don't ever recall doing it to her) now I know that we shouldn't have been doing it period. She hasn't been back since, and asked me if I had calmed down and she never came for the talk we were suppose to have had yesterday.
So I'm thinking I'm just going to pack up her stuff, hubby says that she just wanted to free load off of us (no rent, no utilities, we babysat for her, ), and we shoudl take this an the opportunity to not have her do that anymore. I did have two episodes while she was here but I was trying to help her out because I know what its like to have no place to go when you have been beaten, but I suppose since she hasn't been here, she did have other alternatives. Which is probably a good thing, because that day if my kids weren't around I'm not sure I would have been able to restrain myself.
I'm sad to see her go, but I think it was that event that made me realize that I need to take this seriously, stop trying to please other people and just be straight up that with them,
Yes, I have PTSD. If you don't get it, leave me alone until you do.
Because I don't even get it all the time - so that's where I've been going wrong.
Thanks for reading sorry its long,but I appreciate the chance to tell my story and hopefully this will help me stop being scared and get the help I need.
<Edited for spelling and extra paragraph breaks for ease of reading for other members, by Amethist>
My name is Lyz and I'm lost. Everyone has just been telling me my whole life that this is the person that I am ( the person that PTSD has turned me into), and that I just need to 'get over it'. They go on to tell me how great my life is and so on and so forth. I do have a lot of drive but I fill that is a a trait very common with PTSD, though I am also severely depressed, have OCD, huge anxiety issues, been trying to stay off meds bc the side effects are killer...but after this past week. I'm starting to think that other people don't believe that this isn't me but the disease because I haven't fully admitted it to myself. I'm going on Monday to get on meds and hopefully start up therapy also. I'm reaching out here for some support as well as going to try to find some anger management or something in town or maybe therapy will help with that also.
At first thought, I thought I was molested by one of my older brothers (whom is still my dad favorite child to this day), when I was around the age of kindergarten but after bring it up with my dad this year that I needed to know that he knew what went on and did nothing to help me, my father admitted to me that it must have taken place when I was younger around 2-3 years old, but may have gone on til I started school. I hadn't told my mother until I was a little older and she took me in but because my father had custody at the time, for some reason the child welfare place said they couldn't look into it.
My father also beat me and my mom admitted that she caught my oldest brother in my room one night as well. These two brothers were both 12+ years older than me. As the years went on the brothers were allowed to verbally abuse me as much as they wanted but after I had gone to seen welfare they hadn't touched me after that. My dad encouraged it, always inviting them over for functions, I often went into black outs and beat others up or ran away.
My mother wasn't around much and eventually my dad transferred me to a private high school, where he isolated me not allowing me to form any friends, would forget to pick me up from school (the school was across town), and the first year I just gave up and asked a friend to drive me instead of me walking part of the way until my dad decided to pick me up and my dad didn't let me play any other sports after that - because for some reason he thought he sent me to an all girl school.
I had also been raped, sexually harassed at school and work, dad kicked me out senior year and I lived alone, had car broken into, tried to commit suicide and was in rehab for few days, use to be a cutter also.
Recently I let a friend move in that needed the help, my husband is the one that works, I do odd jobs for extra money but thats a 10th of what he brings in. We have two children as well and only a three bedroom house. She moves in with her son and I give her one of the rooms.
Everything was fine the first week but then she wouldn't help out around the house anymore, suppose stress of supporting another person got to me. She would come up to me and spank me really hard unexpectedly, though we'd play games like this I never did it to her unexpectedly I always made it funny, the last time she did it I almost went into an episode, but just breathed through my flashback. I guess I was yelling at her telling her not to do that because this happens (where I was shaking really bad anxiety spiked and was crying) she just stood there looked at me and was like we were just playing all morning and now you wanna yell at me? and was like yeah right whatever and walked out of the house and slammed the door. Like I was making it up??
I told her earlier this morning to not to do it when I didn't expect it and she said that I just coulnd't take my own medicine, (but I don't ever recall doing it to her) now I know that we shouldn't have been doing it period. She hasn't been back since, and asked me if I had calmed down and she never came for the talk we were suppose to have had yesterday.
So I'm thinking I'm just going to pack up her stuff, hubby says that she just wanted to free load off of us (no rent, no utilities, we babysat for her, ), and we shoudl take this an the opportunity to not have her do that anymore. I did have two episodes while she was here but I was trying to help her out because I know what its like to have no place to go when you have been beaten, but I suppose since she hasn't been here, she did have other alternatives. Which is probably a good thing, because that day if my kids weren't around I'm not sure I would have been able to restrain myself.
I'm sad to see her go, but I think it was that event that made me realize that I need to take this seriously, stop trying to please other people and just be straight up that with them,
Yes, I have PTSD. If you don't get it, leave me alone until you do.
Because I don't even get it all the time - so that's where I've been going wrong.
Thanks for reading sorry its long,but I appreciate the chance to tell my story and hopefully this will help me stop being scared and get the help I need.
<Edited for spelling and extra paragraph breaks for ease of reading for other members, by Amethist>
