Trying To Repair Damaged Goods

[torturedsoul7402]

***WARNING: POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!!***

As I've suffered from several forms of abuse from as far back as I can remember, especially sexually, I've always considered myself damaged goods. Even though I ran away at age fifteen, and cut all ties from my "family" about six years ago, my abusers still have power over me. I HATE that!! I don't know how or if I can take that power back.

For example:

1. My negative self-talk is a spitting image of my passive-aggressive narcicistic "mother";
2. I still have triggers that cause textbook flashbacks; and horrific nightmares of the near daily sexual abuse, that goes back to my earliest of memories.

That's just two quick examples. They don't even scratch the surface. There's traumas so deep, my brain won't allow me to be fully aware of them. I've just begun learning, and practicing mindfullness with my new therapist. I'm generally a highly intelligent woman, but it's hard for me! I guess maybe I'm not emotionally intelligent. I'm just hoping that practice makes perfect.

 

[Jess15]

There's traumas so deep, my brain won't allow me to be fully aware of them.

I know this feeling, I'll finally be getting somewhere with my life, feeling stronger and happier and wham, my brain will decided that it's strong enough to deal with something that it's hiding ! And it sucks, knocks me straight back to step one

 

[franciemarnie]

I feel what you are saying. Bless you for getting it out.

I just want to add that you could be more brilliant than Einstein or Hawking, but if you have PTSD, your neocortex will be hijacked by the limbic brain unpredictably so intelligence can't shine its light. It goes dark. That's just biology.

But we can do things to undermine and transcend the system like your meditation.

 

[24 daffodils]

Please know that I am not an expert or professional, just someone who is also new at practicing mindfulness. I have been reassured that it is normal for mindfulness practice to be difficult at first. That is why they call it 'the monkey mind'! It jumps all over the place! People generally are dismayed at how hard it can be to quiet it, even briefly.

I've been told it is important to be very patient and kind with ourselves, and avoid beating ourselves up with thoughts such as 'I SHOULD be better at this'. The moment that you realize that your mind has drifted IS a moment of mindfulness, because you are aware of what happened. Congratulations! This is a positive thing! Now, just *gently* and lovingly bring your awareness back to your breath, or whatever it is that you are trying to concentrate on. People get discouraged when they 'only' were able to concentrate for x seconds this time, when that is actually better than they were able to do before. It is a practice, and self-love and patience are so important. It is a journey.

This much I have learned, as a beginner: although I am able to practice mindfulness in the most modest way, I already see that I am more aware and present in daily life. What a gift! I am learning that mindfulness is such an antidote to being dragged into fear and trauma (past, present, or worrying about the future). If I can only remind myself to be present right now for what IS good (the sun shining through the trees, that I am safe right now, etc), then the power of the negative has less hold on me. We can only live right now…the trick is not to let the negative of our past destroy what is good about the only moment we have…right now. I am slowly learning an appreciation for my newfound strength to appreciate today and not let 'yesterday' steal it.

We CAN do this!

 

[torturedsoul7402]

Thanks for the support and tips guys!

My stupid limbic brain is contstantly hijacking my neocortex . Maybe because the trauma had already begun, while my baby brain was still developing it messed something up in my head.

Sometimes I don't even know what's "normal" or healthy, I have to ask. Nobody ever held me (appropriatly), or rocked me when I cried. You soon learn NOT to cry, when you get hit, or have your jaw squeezed tightly(try it just lightly with your thumb and middle finger on the back of your jaw, it's unbelievably painful, even for an adult).

When I was seven, I told my "mom" about the sexual abuse; she told me to ask God for forgiveness, and allowed it to happen, even sending me on "camping trips" with him. I downloaded an app that has nature sounds, and music to help me with my meditations. Even though I'm having trouble, and have only been practicing for about a week, I too have noticed that I've been more mindful in daily life.

I have never heard of "the monkey mind" before, but I definitely have it!! My therapist says that all the screaming, intrusive thoughts and memories won't go away until I give them attention. I'm scared I won't be able to handle it. I feel like I'm dancing on the razor's edge: I can either slip, and get sliced in half, or maybe I'll do a graceful flip off and stick the landing. Right now I don't know which...

 

[24 daffodils]

I think everyone deals with 'monkey mind' when they first start mindfulness. If they didn't experience abuse, they still drift off to what task they need to be doing later, or get distracted by one thing or another.

My mind is very active (and exhausting!). When I was introduced to mindfulness, I was also taught something called 'lovingkindness meditation'. At least for right now, I am finding that an easier way for me to begin quieting the mind. You might try googling it. There are different phrases people use (you get to choose what works for you), but it is the inclination towards kindness that is the most important part of the practice. I am finding it helps shore up self-love and a feeling of peace, both of which will no doubt be helpful in practicing mindfulness. I suspect that those of us with particularly difficult backgrounds could all use some love that was sorely missing in our past, and we have the power to start loving ourselves.

There is a saying, "you have to begin where you are", and this is where I am right now. You focus on a set of beneficial phrases you first say for yourself, and then, in your mind, to trusted loved ones in turn. To give you an idea of how this might work, the phrases that I use (and have changed to suit me over time) are:

May I be safe and protected.
May I be well and healed.
May I be happy, truly happy.
May my life unfold with ease.

I say each phrase several times, waiting each time for the feeling and intention of the words to sink in, before continuing to the next phrase. By the end, especially if I have the concentration to stay with the practice through the various names of loved ones (that I find easy to love in an unconflicted way), I find myself considerably soothed and calmed.

Maybe this is a way for you to begin, too. If not, I am sure there are many other things people have found helpful, and I wish you peace on this journey.

 

[torturedsoul7402]

I'm going to look that up, I think it might help me. Thank You.

There is only one person, my partner, who has ever loved me. We met when I was nineteen, and have been together for nearly eleven years now. I'm also borderline, and have done so many messed up things to her. I would have either walked out on myself; or be beating myself by now. But for some reason I don't get, she TRULY loves me.

I also have birds and a bunny to include in my phrases. Thank You! I think this will really help with my mindfullness.

 

[torturedsoul7402]

"Little Sister"
Hey little sister I heard you went to Mr. So and So, knock knock knockin on his door
again last night, said you needed it bad-
you know that ain't right
'Cause so many times you've come to me cry-crying
trying to stop. you said it hurts so bad
But please don't let you
go back for more
My little sister is a Zombie in a body
with no soul in a role she has learned to play
in a world today where nothing else matters
but it matters, we gotta start feeding our souls
Not our addiction or afflictions of pain
to avoid the same questions we must
ask ourselves to get any answers
We gotta start feeding our souls
have been lost to the millions with lots
who feed on addiction selling pills and what's hot
I wish I could save her from all their delusions
all the confusion
of of a nation that starves for salvation
but clothing is the closest to approximation
to God and He only knows that drugs
are all we know of love
Every day we starve while we eat white bread
and beer instead of a hadshake or hug
We spill the pills and sweep them
under the rug
My little sister is a Zombie in a body
with no soul in a role she has learned to play
in a world today where nothing else matters
but it matters, we gotta start feeding our souls
Hey little sister I heard you went to Mr. So and So's
Knock, knock, knockin' on his door again last night
Said you needed more
Jewel

 

[torturedsoul7402]

It's been about a week and a half since I started practicing mindfullness. In think I feel worse; maybe this is one of those, "you have to go through before you come out" scenerios? If that's the case, I'm in for one heck of a wild ride.

 

[Ghostybear73]

It gets worse before it gets better, make sure you have the necessary tools to help. This forum is one!

 

[torturedsoul7402]

Thank You Ghosty Bear.
****Possible Triggers****
Unfortunately, I don't have healthy coping skills. I've been a cutter since I was six.
That's one of the first things I'll be working on with my new therapist.

 

[torturedsoul7402]

So, for the past two weeks my T has had me doing two mindfullness exercises. Meditation; where she wants me to observe my breathing without trying to change it, and observe my bodily sensations. Secondly, I'm supposed to take three mindfullness breaths when I start to feel "stressed out".

The meditations, though difficult, I am making progress with. I do them several times a day. Depending on my mood at the time, I can sometimes have great success, or a very hard time. With practice it's becoming easier though.

However, I have had absolutely no success with the second exercise. When I get worked up, I completely forget about my mindful breathing. Not once in two weeks have I remembered. Does anybody have any tips on mindful breathing in "real time"?