Trying To Stay Alive

[Cetor]

I don't think I would able to do it but I want to die right now with every part of me and every part of me hurts. How do I deal with that?

 

[Aweju]

Can you tell us more? What is going on that triggered this? Is the pain physical or emotional? What have you already tried to help yourself?

A lot of us have been there. At least, you are not alone.

 

[Emi]

I am all alone besides one person who has been there for me most of the time. I've struggled my whole life as a kid being abused constantly, as a teenager being homeless, and dealing with extreme loneliness and pain as an adult. I have started doing better and have made people temporarily proud of me but I seem to always lose that by doing something stupid. I cannot tolerate losing people at all. I recently moved in with.my one friend. I also had avoided a traffic ticket because I was scared. I got my license suspended and I'm paying it now but my finances are not stretching it very well. My one person is angry with me and constantly asking how I could be so stupid and irresponsible. I'm doing everything possible to work work and do random jobs, I even just donated blood plasma. I dont have a license and I have to drive so that terrifies me because if I get pulled over I will lose my car, my job, and my home. I can't make my friend see that I am trying. I know she won't leave me but she will be angry at me for a long time which to me is worse. I wish she would leave because I am so tired. My chest is so tight and heavy, I can't eat without throwing up from stress, I have a headache and am constantly on the verge of tears. I wish I didn't have anyone to care because maybe I could rest or something would just take me away from the pain. I have panic attacks every day and I don't want to hurt anyone so I have to play that I am ok. I feel so much shame because I'm living a lie. Even when I fall asleep my past haunts ne in nightmares. It's really really hard.

 

[Ewov]

Hugs if you want them. It sounds like you are feeling trapped in your life circumstances, which is familiar to many of us. A lot of what you describe is common for PTSD: the panic, headache and nausea (which I assume are stress-related, but you might want to get them checked out), the feelings of shame, the nightmares, the risk taking, the feeling you are living a lie. None of that is who you are at the core, they are symptoms of what has happened to you. If you can remember that maybe it can ease the tension a little.

It looks as if you have put all your eggs in one basket by having just the one friend and so much fear about what might happen if you lost that friend. You are afraid to show how much you are suffering because of fear of losing your one person, and yet, it doesn't sound like a good relationship. That would be a hugely stressful situation for anyone. Have you gotten down to just the one person in your life because it is so hard to lose people that you don't let yourself get close to anyone?

I know it's easier to say than do, but I really would recommend you stop driving without a licence if you can possibly find anything else to do. I know, it's stressful if you do and stressful if you don't, but if you are doing this to be acceptable to your friend, that is definitely not a good friendship. You deserve better than this. A person who cares about you does not push you to do something like that.

 

[Oberu]

Are you eligible for benefits of some kind, even temporarily? That might really ease the pressure you are feeling.

 

[Cetor]

THanks for your encouragement. I don't know why I only have one friend. I just don't make them very well. I am socially acceptable and well educated but no one even really notices that I exist. I can have a good conversation with someone but they forget about me as soon as it's over. I haven't had romantic relationships because just until very recently my trauma from the past made me physically unable to have sex. That took away most of my self confidence with relationships and if someone doesn't care about me i don't want to be the desperate one to keep on pursuing it. I have to drive unfortunately because I have a job that requires me to drive. I would lose it and be even more behind if they knew. If I didn't have that I definitely wouldn't be.

 

[Eseg]

My one person is angry with me and constantly asking how I could be so stupid and irresponsible. I'm doing everything possible to work work and do random jobs, I even just donated blood plasma. I dont have a license and I have to drive so that terrifies me because if I get pulled over I will lose my car, my job, and my home. I can't make my friend see that I am trying.

You aren't stupid and irresponsible, although to a person not clawing the 'survival mountain' like many of us do, it might look like such. You are living under extremely stressful circumstances and no matter how hard those of us that live like this try to fit into the 'normal world', it is impossible. Because I have been there (still am) I would say to you that you are not stupid - you are incredibly brave. Don't buy into the stupid card. It isn't true.

 

[Unubi]

I dont have a license and I have to drive so that terrifies me because if I get pulled over I will lose my car, my job, and my home.

If you're in the states... There is a "poor people's clause" in most states which prohibits police from impounding your car if you're pulled over driving on a suspended (or if they do out of ignorance, you get your car back from impound without paying the $200 per day fee; even cops aren't up to speed on all areas of the law all the time). For exactly the reasons you listed: there is no other way for many people to get to/from work. No work means no license (ever, since the suspension can never be paid off), becoming homeless, etc. It was a huge deal in the media about 10 years ago, although it's still a lesser known law.

Will you still get a driving on suspended ticket if pulled over? Yes. At which point you bring your work schedule into traffic court & show that you were headed to/from work (or des appointment slip, etc. Necessary travel).

 

[Ezulu]

Unubi again... ETA... I've had my license suspended for several years. Even if it's just a "token" payment of $10 or $20 a month, it goes a looooong way towards the courts understanding (and quashing) of future tickets to have that steady payment history. Ditto, try and confine your driving in to/from categories (stop off for groceries on the way home from work, etc.). The key phrase to get you through is "good faith effort". As long as you're making good faith efforts? (Both to pay down your ticket, and confine your driving to needs must)... The courts are generally very forgiving.