Twitching and struggling to get words out when approaching trauma, anyone else?

[WorldWanderer]

Hi everyone!
I'm new here. Long story made as short as i'm comfortable with, apologies for not explaining the cause in full... I had an NDE in 2022, left it a while cos i thought i'd ''get over it''. Finally realised that wasn't working and got help. Started CBT today following a few tests and ''chats'' to establish what'll work for me. The NDE was a direct result of a medical condition, that tends to be the trigger and unfortunately i have no option but to face it every moment of every day.
I've dealt with flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares and so on which is what made me finally reach out for help.
I noticed today in my first therapy session (online via teams) that while skirting around the edges (as my therapist put it) of what happened, i became quite jittery, i had twitches (almost like flicking my chin up) and was falling over my words and stuttering. I also had 2 spots in which my therapist was asking if i was okay because i'd zoned out. I brushed them off as i'd not felt that before, but it was like i wasn't in the room and it wasn't until he asked if i was okay that i snapped back. I said i was good and everything was fine, but i think now i should have been more honest and i'll mention that next time,
Basically i was wondering if anyone else has had twitches, struggling to get words out and absent patches during therapy? There's not much online about these symptoms, if i can call them that, and i'm just looking for reassurance.

 

[Sideways]

Yes, all sorts of whacky reactions when I’m talking about the hard stuff.

Hopefully your T will focus on some skills and coping strategies before doing any work on the trauma stuff:)

 

[Friday]

There's not much online about these symptoms, if i can call them that, and i'm just looking for reassurance.

That’s just ‘cause they get umbrella’d under Avoidance & Panic & Disassociation (& rapid decompensation). It’s completely normal with trauma & PTSD. Talking about normal things is all cathartic & feels better. Talking about trauma spikes PTSD symptoms so hard there’s serious risk of suicide & psychosis.

 

[Rose White]

Yes, had that too.

 

[Bamboo]

I have similar issues. When T and I get close enough to the bad thing, my twitching starts and he definitely notes it. If I try to pretend like we're not getting close to something (because it remains my ridiculous goal to attempt to throw him off and send his questioning into a different direction away from it,) he never falls for it as he watches me and can see when the small twitches and shifts begin. If we go into "the thick of it" if you will and I have to touch / focus on that thing that I don't want to deal with, it's like I lose my ability to speak correctly. T said he thinks that it's terrified 12 year old me trying to talk when that happens. If I have to focus on what she saw/felt, I literally have to spit words out as all I do is stutter/stammer on and repeat the first 1 or 2 words out of my mouth. It's embarrassing, and I get angry with myself because I'm a 53 year woman who cant seem to even speak. I've tried looking it up and i found something called psychogenic stuttering which seems similar to what I do, though it's only in the moments that I'm trying to focus on that time in my childhood where it happened. After a short time feeling the emotional response to it all 1 of 2 things usually happen with me. It's like some other part of me comes in and just shuts it off. Like shuts it all down. All of it. Weird. Really weird. I'll somehow go from a sobbing, panic ridden, child to a stoic, quiet adult in seconds. It's strange and I'm likely not even describing it in the best way. But I can literally feel the moment it gets shut down. T said he believes that when my exiled part starts "overwhelming the system", there's a protective part, likely the one that kept it all shut off / closed down for decades, that comes in and tackles the exiled part to shut it all off again. If that doesn't happen or I can't get control of myself, its like I shut down or zone out. T is talking and I suddenly realize he's asking me something and i have to ask him to repeat it because I was somewhere else completely.

 

[arfie]

hello world wanderer. welcome to the forum.

in my own recovery from child sex trafficking, this is so normal that it never occurred to me that it wasn't universal, whatever the difficult topic at hand or the condition of the messenger. to my own sensory perception, explaining an unauthorized tattoo to a concerned parent never looked easier than explaining acts of appalling evil.

normal or not, i have found powerful healing mojo in pushing past that struggle to get the words out. it is far easier to cleanse a wound if i have words for ^it^ or at least the courage to look at ^it^.

but that is me and every case is unique. . .

steadying support while you sort your own case. welcome to the forum.

 

[WorldWanderer]

Thank you for the comments and reassurance. Still feeling quite overwhelmed by the diagnosis but relieved to have more information and things starting to make more sense, apologies though for still sounding like a newbie, i don't wish to cause offence if i word things wrong and stuff.
My T and i have had 3 sessions so far, 4th tomorrow, and tbh i've learned a hell of a lot about how ptsd was affecting me in ways i didn't even realise it could. We're only at the start of my journey, but it's been a real comfort to know that things i thought were ''wrong'' with me were in actual fact part of having ptsd.
It seems the twitches and stammering / struggling with speech are a sign that i'm beginning to dissociate and my T has been great and spotting this and helping me settle back down. We haven't pushed too hard as yet as he's concerned about how sensitive i am with triggers and how easy it is for me to start ''wandering off'' as i call it.
We're taking baby steps and session by session we're going to try and get closer to the root cause of all this and work on handling it better.
It's annoying that by avoiding something, totally cutting it off and not ever speaking a word about it seemed the right way to cope, and all it's actually done is left a huge heap of tangled and sensitive cables for my T to tey and unwravel!
I'm really glad i found this community, thank you all

 

[Charbella]

I’ve developed a tic of sorts when talking about the trauma. T has noticed it for months and though I’ve been aware I haven’t really tuned into it until the last two months when I’ve noticed that the minor head flick is actually me trying to clear whatever has me headed into silence. Either too many memories hitting me at once or me trying to talk myself out of talking or figuring out how to say something with the least amount of words and still trying to make meaning of it. Now that I’m aware of it I’ve tried not doing it and it seems I can’t clear the clutter without it so for now it stays. Luckily no one besides T will ever notice because I don’t talk trauma with anyone but him. T says it usually proceeds me saying something that in the past I wouldn’t have so for him he likes it. Sad when your T is desperately searching for signs of what is going on in your head but that’s what a lifetime of hiding from everyone will do.

Be kind to yourself and don’t get too entangled in it. I find the more I fight my symptoms the worse they get. Accepting it’s generally something that will pass helps, while using coping mechanisms.

 

[Rose White]

@Charbella I did that same kind of thing with my head. And would usually hold my breath and clench my fists too.

 

[boppy sprite]

Twitching, spasming, it gets pretty wild. Just thinking about the right combination of things spawns an episode. Abdomen starts seizing, severe cramping, and the leg twitch begins a cascade that culminates in a steady thrashing as my leg spasms itself off the mattress as I try to sleep. I envision opera being played, sugar fairies dancing to the gentle twitching at the start leading to the culminating crescendo as my leg authoritatively hammers the point home. It can be a comforting distraction.

 

[WorldWanderer]

Is this something you are able to get out of yourself, or do you need another person to talk you back? Do you have any tips? I'm struggling with grounding

I have similar issues. When T and I get close enough to the bad thing, my twitching starts and he definitely notes it. If I try to pretend like we're not getting close to something (because it remains my ridiculous goal to attempt to throw him off and send his questioning into a different direction away from it,) he never falls for it as he watches me and can see when the small twitches and shifts begin. If we go into "the thick of it" if you will and I have to touch / focus on that thing that I don't want to deal with, it's like I lose my ability to speak correctly. T said he thinks that it's terrified 12 year old me trying to talk when that happens. If I have to focus on what she saw/felt, I literally have to spit words out as all I do is stutter/stammer on and repeat the first 1 or 2 words out of my mouth. It's embarrassing, and I get angry with myself because I'm a 53 year woman who cant seem to even speak. I've tried looking it up and i found something called psychogenic stuttering which seems similar to what I do, though it's only in the moments that I'm trying to focus on that time in my childhood where it happened. After a short time feeling the emotional response to it all 1 of 2 things usually happen with me. It's like some other part of me comes in and just shuts it off. Like shuts it all down. All of it. Weird. Really weird. I'll somehow go from a sobbing, panic ridden, child to a stoic, quiet adult in seconds. It's strange and I'm likely not even describing it in the best way. But I can literally feel the moment it gets shut down. T said he believes that when my exiled part starts "overwhelming the system", there's a protective part, likely the one that kept it all shut off / closed down for decades, that comes in and tackles the exiled part to shut it all off again. If that doesn't happen or I can't get control of myself, its like I shut down or zone out. T is talking and I suddenly realize he's asking me something and i have to ask him to repeat it because I was somewhere else completely.

@Charbella Thank you. I am really struggling with the grounding side of all of this, any tips? I try not to let it all take over, but it always does. It often feels like giving in to it is they fastest way to get it over with

 

[CooCoo4CocoaPuffs]

I shake all over like a neurotic chihuahua, does that count?