Two questions I struggle with in therapy

[Justmehere]

“What has helped you when this has happened in the past?” which gets paired with “How can I help you today?”

Totally legit question, especially when the therapist is new. I get the point of it. This question annoys the crap out of me and I get anxious whenever it is asked because I have yet to have a single conversation where it goes anywhere productive. With friends and co-workers I’m decent at communication. I get good feedback. But somehow there are a few things in therapy settings that I am not navigating with success.

The is how the conversation tends to go:

A
Therapist: “What has helped you in the past?”
Me: “I don’t know, I’ve never been through this before.” / “I can’t recall.” / “I don’t remember.”
Therapist repeats the question and I repeat some version of this answer, trying to explain I’m really trying to think of something, sometimes resorting to blurting out terrible ways I have tried to cope, only to have the therapist get more irritated... until I’m completely dissociated, or a mess, or apologizing for being an idiot, or I’m angry they won’t stop repeating the same question over and over and totally shut down or walking out.

B
Therapist: “What has helped you in the past?”
Me: “Running or being with others.” (Or some other coping skills I’ve used that are currently not working.)
Therapist: “Have you gone running today?”
Me: “No, I can’t, I have an injured ankle.”
Therapist: “Have you reached out to anyone?”
Me: “Yes, about 10 people and no one has time.”
Therapist: “Well it seems like you don’t like my suggestions so how can I help you today?”
Me: “I’d like to find some other ways to mange and talk about what is going on. I’d what I knew to do was working I’d just Lee doing it. I’m here because what I’m doing on my own isn’t enough.”
Therapist: “How can I help you today?”
Me: “I don’t know, I don’t understand.”

And around we go.

I have tried listing coping skills that work, but that somehow ends up with “ok go and do that.” Then we sit there silent in therapy.

C
Shortly after being sexually assaulted on a date I was asked, “what has helped in the past?”
Maybe I see it too concretely because I responded “after prior rapes? What? Really? What helped?” Then I’m jarred by recalling past trauma.

D
Therapist: “What has helped you in the past?”
Me: “Please don’t ever ask me that question.”
Therapist pushes. I suggest other options, the therapist pushes, shut down.

I have tried to explain what is more helpful to work on. Let’s talk through the problem brainstorm new ideas, coping tools together, maybe ask “how are grounding skills working?” and my old therapist and I even had a long conversation about state-dependent learning after purposefully triggering me in sessions, but this seems to never stick. It’s always much more helpful.

I have had a therapist explain they are not going to tell me what to do. Good. But if I’m not coming to therapy to work on doing old skills together or learn new skills, or to process trauma, then what am I doing in therapy?

I have tried to explain that the way this plays out in therapy feels like shit. It often gets paired with asking lots of intimate details that are hard for me to give, but I give them, and then just feeling exposed and being asked what has helped in the past.

It feels like going to a doctor with a broken leg and saying, “my leg is broken.” Then the doc details the broken leg, and then the doc looks up and says, “how can I help you?”

It makes sense to ask if I have broken my leg before, what helped them. Like physical therapy and etc. AND THEN the doc helps you get a cast and PT and etc - I’m doing all the work, but the doc is there for a trained purpose all the same.

And I have been told the point of the question is for me to come up with my own ways to cope. To avoid the therapist ever suggesting anything and 100 percent being all client suggestions to cope. Yeah ok cool. But if I could do that, then why therapy? Why not just go do that all on my own and keep doing what I have been doing? If I go to therapy, then I’m trying to do something new. Different. Not just the same that I have been doing.

I grew up with severe childhood neglect, other trauma too, but this whole thing might stir up what it’s like to be having really basic life and death needs as a kid (like needing an inhaler) and get a blank face. Or no one there at all.

Outside of therapy friends give me a hard time because I’m “severely independent.” Therapists have said more Han once I’m “pathologically independent.” I don’t have a chronic issue with being too dependent. Numerous therapists have told me I don’t let them in well enough, I need to rely on them more, etc. and then this pattern happens and it triggers me.

If I ever engage therapy again, I have to find a more productive way to handle these questions. Even if I don’t ever go again, I really want to know what I could change. It’s very likely I’m totally missing the obvious. Or maybe it’s my attitude.

 

[Kubash16]

I don’t have any advice. But I definitely empathize with when they repeat questions like that. It’s incredibly frustrating.

 

[bellbird]

Therapist: “Well it seems like you don’t like my suggestions s

only to have the therapist get more irritated...

but that somehow ends up with “ok go and do that.” Then we sit there silent in therapy.

Therapist pushes. I suggest other options, therapist pushes, shut down.

It often gets paired with asking lots of intimate details that are hard for me to give, but I give them, and then just feeling exposed and being asked what has helped in the past.

Even if I don’t ever go again, I really want to know what I could change.

The therapist.

It seems like she has some major complex going on that she is projecting onto you, along with passive aggressive behaviour that is making me cringe just by reading about it.

Quite honestly, her behaviour is appalling and the furthest thing from helpful. I think I would lose the plot if I had a T like that.

Is changing therapist a viable option for you?

 

[Fadeaway]

So frustrating. This seems to me to be the therapists lazy way out. Figure out how to pacify, it's less work for them. First appointment? Kinda makes sense. 2rd, 4th and beyond? Not so much.

 

[Justmehere]

It happens with every new therapist I try. I can think of at least 7. (I have had a lot of intakes lately.) Even when trying to get into a group therapy, so it’s not just me and a damn therapist. My old therapist that saw me for years did it too. She’s didn’t do t until after three years of working with her. Like first session; maybe... but I get stuck then. It keeps happening everywhere. It will keep happening. It’s like the hot new trend in therapy here? I dunno.

Others seem to get into group therapy. What do I do wrong with this question that it shuts down the whole process? Ugh.

 

[Kubash16]

I agree with @bellbird. I just read your other post from this morning.

This T doesn’t sound like a good fit at all. T’s are trained not to freak and let you guide things, so her question about calling 911 isn’t unusual I don’t think. But beyond that, I think you need to search out someone who will be a better fit.

 

[Kubash16]

Are these trauma therapists or just regular therapists?

 

[bellbird]

It keeps happening everywhere. It will keep happening. It’s like the hot new trend in therapy here? I dunno.

You know it isn't normal though, right?
Like there are therapists out there who don't act like this.

I just don't want you to fall into a pattern of making excuses for people who treat you poorly, just because it's what 'every T seems to be doing'

Even when trying to get into a group therapy, so it’s not just me and a damn therapist.

Others seem to get into group therapy. What do I do wrong with this question that it shuts down the whole process? Ugh.

So I've never gone through the process of trying to get into group therapy.

Are you going through this T to try and get into group therapy? Or can you just bypass this T completely and contact the group facilitator yourself?

 

[Muttly]

Ok, I dislike both questions and have a lot of issues answering either one. For the first question, I can see how it can help someone if they are lost in swirl and aren't remembering they having coping skills and what those skills are. The second question, I am sure can help some people. There are people who will know what they need and have the ability to voice that. I'm not one and that question tends to make me feel helpless.

The biggest thing I see your missing in what you described is that your therapist is not being responsive and supportive to you. A therapist should not be getting irritated with you for giving honest answers. And if you give answers and they don't solve the issue, then the therapist needs to ask different questions. Your therapist has the job of figuring out what works to make your therapy session productive. You used the medical doctor example, I will give you a different one. It's like a doctor asking what medication you used for an infection in the past. When you answer it was amoxicillian but you had an allergic reaction, he responds by saying "Well, I guess you don't like my suggestions today" or just keeps asking the same question over and over.

The second thing that strikes me is you now seem to be caught in a loop, as you seem to realize. Perhaps, instead of starting where the loop begins, when the T asks you what has helped you in the past, we need to back up and to what is happening before the loop begins. What are you describing when the T asks you the question? Are you talking about behaviors, sui ideation, feelings or something else? ETA- I see you say this has happened with multiple therapists, has it played out to the same extent with all of them? Are they all getting irritated? Do you want to work on coping skills at all in therapy or do you want to focus more on things like emotional processing?

 

[bellbird]

It's like a doctor asking what medication you used for an infection in the past. When you answer it was amoxicillian but you had an allergic reaction, he responds by saying "Well, I guess you don't like my suggestions today" or just keeps asking the same question over and over.

Kind of lost for words at how fantastic an example this is for emphasizing the appalling behaviour of this therapist.

 

[Justmehere]

I think I would lose the plot if I had a T like that.

Yeah. That's kinda what happens.

Are these trauma therapists or just regular therapists?

It has happened with more than one trauma therapist and more than one general therapist.

You know it isn't normal though, right?
Like there are therapists out there who don't act like this.

Where are they?!

So I've never gone through the process of trying to get into group therapy.

Are you going through this T to try and get into group therapy? Or can you just bypass this T completely and contact the group facilitator yourself?

Generally, where I am, one has to do an intake with the group therapist or the agency to evaluate if I’m a good candidate for the group.

I’ve done a lot of intakes with a lot of therapists. Really. Probably too many.

I have to get through it, even if it’s an idiotic pattern, to get into the group or IOP or into more helpful therapy. I can't solve it by trying to change others. I have tried that option.

I’ve used an example much like the antibiotic for an infection... and I’ve been told, “Therapy isn’t like that. It’s not a medicine or something we provide you. You have to do the work.”

What do I even say to that? Like uh. I do the work obsessively. Alone. And maybe that's the problem. I’m not looking to process trauma, I do have skills in spades. I’ve done a lot of work. I got pushed over the edge with a therapist pushing to fix me by pushing into trauma way too much for too long. It just stirred up this compulsion to fix and maybe I burned myself out.

I don’t want to fix me anymore.

In therapy, I think I’m looking for is an empathetic space to talk about my life and the changes I’m trying to make, the symptoms I'm trying to endure, to be heard and have someone brainstorm with me how to get through the best I can.

I’ve never actually had a successful interaction over this matter and it's a real barrier to getting to anything else. I’ve tried every communication technique even like turning the tables and even tried fake answers. Problem: I'm a terrible liar.

I can talk with others in my life just fine. Maybe I'm too depressed or burned out to do this therapy thing. At the same time, the mere thought of a safe empathetic private place to just talk to someone about everything going on every now and then, sends me to tears, because wish I had that so badly.

 

[Ronin]

Could it be helpful if you talked with the therapist about the communication itself, how much you want them to be doing and what you do not want from them from the start / what feels invalidating and violating you and unhelpful?

Just clarify the lines, responsibilities, expectations on roles, waay before going into sharing anything vulnerable.

Or maybe the therapeutic space and process, instead of the individual therapist, or your past and trauma and reactions. What it is meant to be for you, in order to work.