Two Years Ago The Wall Broke

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Today marks the 2 year anniversary from my car accident. I remember how my life fell apart, but I had no idea exactly how much it was falling apart at the time. Since that night 2 years ago, I have learned a lot about PTSD and DID. I have begun to understand myself much better having learned of memories of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and rape.

I have a part that has been responsible for keeping a wall between me and all of the memories and parts. Her job was to keep silence. She was the filter. That wall began to crumble as soon as that truck hit my car two years ago. Many days I wish with all my heart that I could go back to before that accident when I was "perfectly fine with just a few quirks and some anxiety". But I also know with all my heart that there is no turning back.

And though I have made some progress, today all I want to do is curl up in a ball and hide. To forget about all the pain. Today is the anniversary of the accident and that in itself causes flashbacks and anxiety. But there's also a great deal of grief inside. A lot of pain and anger at having to go through this. Thanks to this site, I know I am not alone in this journey and unfortunately many others can relate. But right now I feel completely separated from the world. As the world, including those in my house right now, just continue on like a normal day while I am fighting the nausea and anxiety and pain just to do little things like get out of bed and eat breakfast. I feel like I won't survive the day because it seems like the emotional turmoil inside is insurmountable.

 

[joeylittle]

Sending you support, @JEKBreatheandBelieve. As hard as it is, try and stay focused on the little things happening in the present moment. You will survive this - you can and you will.

 

[Hope4future]

Anniversaries are hard. Hang in there. You have support here from people who understand how fragile our worlds can be. Remember you are strong and brave, even when you don't feel like you are. Be kind to yourself. Hoping you find some peace today. Take care

 

[passerine]

I hope you are able to practice lots of self care today and focus on grounding and staying in the present moment. Perhaps you can ask those around you for extra support and plan to do something special today. Anniversaries are tough, but you are brave and taking your power back by taking care of yourself.

You have the support of the forum so if it helps to keep posting, we are all ears.

 

[digger]

Hey. I'm not in a good space myself with anniversary stuff at the moment, so haven't got anything particularly helpful to offer. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and I get how hard it can be x

 

[KwanYingirl]

Anniversaries are difficult. Soon it will be tomorrow. You've discovered the authentic you and are doing so well facing your fears. Wishing you a gentle, hopeful day.

 

[RussH]

Hi J, we are all with you during this time. You will make it through.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Soon it will be tomorrow.

Unfortunately I am not sure that will help. Last year I relived (in my mind) every day after the accident for the first two weeks and many of the days all the way straight through until February. I am hoping that this year won't be as bad, but today is hard so I am still anticipating hard. I do appreciate your kind words though.

Thanks everyone for your support. I can't eat because I am nauseous. I was able to finish visiting with friends. We took a walk outside which was mostly good. They just left so now I need to try to do lesson planning. I don't think I will have the focus for that, but I am going to try. I used to love fall and it's a beautiful fall day out, but I can't appreciate that beauty.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I have faith that you will come to love what is awesome about Fall.