Sufferer Unable To Maintain Sucessful Employment

[leela]

I was diagnosed with PTSD in my late 20's (nearly 20 years ago) mostly as a result of rape (middle school and 9th grade), domestic violence (18,19,20) threat of death (20) and I started out with a childhood filled with emotional abuse.

Hi everyone, I jumped on the forum today because I took a job as a substitute teacher and yesterday the kids were throwing a tennis ball, paper airplanes and darts made of straight paperclips with pieces of erasers in the center. For the past 10 years I have been staying at home avoiding most things. I had money coming from an old man who lived with me and my mother, but within the past year both of them had quit on me. My mom can't afford to help and the old man is incapacitated dying of cancer in a care facility. Anyway, .......so I'm trying once again to find some way to support myself and my 3 children.

Everything stresses me out.. for example, I was all calm yesterday during class because it just seemed like there was nothing I could do. I asked the kids to put that stuff away, but they were not going to. I told them that the paperclips were dangerous and that if anyone got hurt that the police would come to class, etc. I told them that since they were all misbehaving at the same time the only thing I could do was to just document the doings of each individual with as much detail as I could muster, so I just stood there and started writing, documenting etc. ...But today I am home and I'm having a breakdown. Being able to work is helpful against the depression because its provides financial relief and makes me feel capable, but after I am done I come home and cry. I just can't handle. these children need more of security guard type person for a teacher (and aside from my low-self esteem, I am more of an educated housewife).

I have been trying to get into teaching for years, I don't know why but it is the only job I seem to get and it is one of the few jobs that I find interesting. About 10 years ago I got a substitute position lecturing at the community college in biology. it was wonderful job, but I think that they thought something was wrong with me, also I was pregnant and they found and another person who had the qualifying masters degree (which I don't have), so I lost that job. Now I am trying again with the public schools K-12 system. It the only place in town that has hired me since I've been applying for work.

Many hours I have spent evaluating the public school system, special ed kids, regular ed kids etc. and I always arrive at the same conclusions. Public school environment today is the same as it was when I was a kid. We traveled a lot but my parents put is in Public School when we were in the US and I remember those kids were always manipulative, rowdy, physical, always trying to get away with stuff, get into fights, they thought drugs were cool, and so on.

Nowadays I see that community as a community of alcoholics with little to none education in psych. And even as a kid I begged my dad to sent me to boarding school in 9th grade so that I could get away from the alcohol/drugs. By 10th grade I had given up on alcohol/drugs as a real solution to the problem of existence. And even though I hit the street and slept in the park after my 18th birthday, I avoided all of the drugs that my friends were taking.

I am not going to be able to change the high school environment.

On another note, once my old man, or "sugar daddy" left the house I picked up another man, my age, very cute, but also very triggering. This new guy is like the kids in high school, not too bright, he thinks its cool to make paperclip sling shots, he has a rifle in his house, he is rough and has his way with me/sex even when I say no, he is trained in wrestling.

I have been looking into ways to recover from PTSD and I am not sure that there is a way, by which I mean that there are days when I know very well that I have a syndrome, a disease, something that is physical, I will shake like crazy in the shower, my nervous system is there and it has something to say.

I have also learned that life requires a lot of what is called "self soothing behavior" (and making love to myself with a vibrator or toy, I think, is a good recommendation for women in my situation) . So today, as I sit here in my chair, having an anxiety attack, I tell myself that I will be Ok, that everything is OK and I believe it too( I have done years of mind body things like yoga, breathing techniques meditation exercise) , well .....back to today....I did believe it long enough for my nervous system to recover and then I got on the web and found this site. But logically, in my head, I know from experience that everything is not always OK.

Intellectually I acquire a certain level of resolution through my understanding of biology, which is basically a view where by I look at myself and all people as though I am looking at another animal or another organism and then I can understand why we are subjected to the things we have been subjected to and I can understand why we respond the way we do and that it is just natural to do so.

Thanks for listening to me and if any one you have a suggestion for viable employment for me, please let me know.

Best wishes to all.
LK

 

[Shellbell]

Hi and welcome to the PTSD Forum :)

I don't have any advice about the employment aspect, but wanted to welcome you.

Hope you find the forum helpful, there's some great advice here :)

Shellbell

 

[leela]

Just another note, I think one reason why I can sit here and believe myself when I say that everything is OK is because I have been practicing self soothing and I have ten years of evidence that says that I can sit in this room and that everything will be OK. I have been sitting in this room for the past ten years, having an old psychology professor say that everything will be ok and then he paid the bills and he kept the jerks away and everything was OK. I knew it had to come to an end but I was unable to save money or secure myself a future despite being to recgonize the problem. My whole family is depressed, it can't be helped.
Now, regarding the new "boyfriend" who won't leave me alone, I just take what he can give and let entropy do the rest. Because even though the new boyfriend is intellectually frustrating, has no money to contribute, is an alcoholic, and extremely pushy, he does calm my nervous system because I am less alone in this world. He leaves me perpetually tired from lack of good sleep, but the changes in my biochemisty from soo much sex and lack of good sleep keeps me kinda out of it/happy. I know this probably doesn't sound right but at a certain level I accept it.

 

[Greg Clark]

I believe that alcohol addiction would be any addiction if it helped those people suffering from extreme anxiety to halt or reverse its' condition. I've read a lot about the selfishness of the alcoholic, but I don't believe that AA's Big Book gives fair credence to the injustice that has stigmatized alcoholics over the last century.

In fact, the more I learn about science, the more I believe that alcoholism is simply a genetic disease, not a moral disease. How many of you come from "Alcoholic Families". A spiritual disease, I think not. A genetic disease, I think so. It's a simple truth, not a conundrum.

Most of the alcoholics I know find it hard to let go of trauma. For some of us that have suffered trauma, it's been easier and we've been graciously given the help to deal with it. Alcoholics don't process trauma well. They hold onto things. It's not that they want to dwell on the past. In fact, it's quite the opposite. They just don't know how to let go. And they don't want to burden the people around them with their grief. They don't want to bring the same pain and suffering on those who they love.

Alcoholics cannot help who they are any more than a gay man or gay woman could choose to be straight. Sorry, but it's in the genes. And it's as simple as that. How can we try to find a moral cure for a biological disease. We can't, and it's the pursuit of this moral cure that has let our generation down and has caused many of the needless deaths that could have been avoided. Sure, there are moral implications from the disease, but none that haven't effected non-alcoholics for exactly the same reasons.

There is an underlying spiritual need in most alcoholics, but that's a different thing. Again, people turn to alcohol to abandon their anxiety and the pressure that they feel in their lives. Some of these people will be chemically intolerant to alcohol. It's not the person. We all have our moral failings and our skeletons in the closet. Who wouldn't choose to change some of the things that they've done in the past? Who wouldn't like to sit down with an old friend and genuinely apologize for the things they've done to hurt them? Most of us would like to be forgiven.

I think that alcoholics have great hearts. Being disturbed just reveals the understanding that things aren't right.

When things are right, things tend to go well. There's a dark secret from the past that has been handed down to the alcoholic. And they're wondering where it came from and what they did to deserve it. But it's not an inherent evil. It's just a biological disease.

So who survives? The ones who are true to themselves.

 

[intothelight]

Hi LK,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

I hope that you are able to find a job that you feel passionate about and is not too stressful. I also hope the information and support on this site help you as you work on healing.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[TxGypsy]

I've always felt a calling to teach, but knew that I couldn't deal with the stress of a public school setting.....and that was before I had PTSD! If you live in a large town or city, you might try advertising for tutoring. You might also contact your local homeschooling association. Many parents feel competent to teach their children up through elementary school, but then want someone else to help. Both of those options keep you teaching, but in a much more congenial setting.

For a long time I felt that I had to have a man in the house too. It took me a long time to get a handle on that. Ask yourself....can I really depend on this person? Does he truly care about me myself? If the answer is no, and it sounds like it is....you are already alone, you're just putting up with someone and fulfilling their needs. It took me a long time to understand that I'd been alone for years, even though there were 2 of us in the house.

You mention that you have 3 children. Children are very sensitive to your relationship with your boyfriend. They are looking to you for an example of what they should do when they are grown. I'm also hoping you have thought of the ramifications of pregnancy with this boyfriend. Please don't add another burden to your life.

I totally agree with you. If more women learned how to sexually please themselves we'd be better off. Though I'd have been horrified at the time if they'd have offered a class on it in high school, I'd maybe have taken more time to get into some of the relationships that I did.

Welcome to the forum and I hope that you can start healing and being happy in your own skin. ((((Hugs))))

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hmmmmm..... Well I think you've made a number of assumptions that need to be evaluated. Not ALL public schools are like that. Mine wasn't. (I grew up in a rural community.) And yes, I've been to private school, too. I noticed no difference, really. So I don't think you can make the sweeping assumption that it's a public school issue. You also seem to blame yourself for not being strong enough. You do realize that kids often treat substitutes as a joke, right? As in they won't listen because you're not the real teacher and they know they can get away with murder. No, not your fault. My cousin was a sub for awhile and she hated it because the kids in general had no respect. She decided that no, she didn't want to be a teacher after all. Teaching is hell for anyone, let alone a PTSD sufferer. I know I could never do it. And like you, I've been out of the workforce for awhile. I know when I go back it's not going to be something that is a known stressor for me (ie kids of a certain age, working with only females, etc).

And then there's the guy issue. I hate to say it but if he was helping to support you and you'd otherwise be on the street, I'd say stay with him. But you said he does nothing for you but calm you...and I even have to question that as he doesn't respect you sexually. Your fear of being alone is keeping you in an abusive relationship. I hope you can see that.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi and welcome to the forum. It is nice to meet you.

 

[circe47]

Welcome Leela-

I too haven't been able to work. I have been on disability since a year ago this past August. Something a fellow employee said triggered me, and I haven't been able to go back since. It seems like life is a trigger...the every day things that I hear and see....things that are beyond my control.

Since I am at home now, I have had to try to fill my days with creative projects that stimulate my mind and keep it distracted from flashbacks. I have turned to art, writing and photography. This forum doesn't allow posting of links, but you can still do your own research into sites that you can generate passive income from.

I have also learned how to manipulate free software using Linux programs as opposed to costly Windows programs like Adobe Suite. Using this software, I am able to create digital and vector art that I am using to build a portfolio. With a portfolio, I hope to market myself as a freelance artist.

Then there are other sites that allow you to print your art onto shirts and other print on demand products. If you do your research, you can find ways to generate passive income. PM me if you want links.

 

[anthony]

Welcome to PTSD Forum.

 

[leela]

Thank you everyone for your cafeful comments. I like reading what each of you has to say. Much "food for thought". I know that some people are happy in social situations and they seem to function primarily as a member of a group, but I'd rather be left alone. The kids in my high school are starting to like me, i.e. they are getting to know me better and I've applied for a freelance job grading high school responses that I can do from my computer at home. We'll see.

You are right about alcoholism and also about how it's just standard procedure to "take advantage of the substitute teacher".

Intellectually I can think about human behaviour and how "If something can be thought up, then there will be someone will try to do it" type stuff. For example, if we have the technology to clone an animal - there will be someone who will try to do that. Or more common stuff like, if alcohol and cigarettes are available - then there will be people who will consume them.

Thank you for your kind words and responses.

Aloha