Unable To Work

[Deleted member 1860]

Re: Student Loans....

I do believe there is a cap as to how long you can defer, even if you are on disability. I've tried to block all of this crap out of my head as it wasn't a pleasant experience, but I do recall that I was running up against the end of my allowed deferment. Maybe I'm thinking of my private loan, which I still have. All of my federal loans were discharged.

Think about it this way. You're off of work regardless, correct? You can still go back to work as soon as you are ready, correct? How does being on disability in any way, shape, or form make that employment gap any worse? I'm facing a pretty massive employment gap myself, and I know that it could have negative implications for me. But, worrying about it isn't going to make me heal any faster. Being on disability isn't going to make the return to the workforce even more prolonged. The minimum employment gap I'm facing is going to be 7 years, and that is if I start working next summer. More likely, my gap is going to be in the neighborhood of 9 years. It is what it is, and I can't change that.

 

[greenleaf]

@Zef -- re. your T not understanding... does the T use any of the various "parts" theories at all? Like Internal Family Systems, or just the concept of "dissociated parts"? For me, a main coping skill was compartmentalizing and squashing "parts" that had emotional reactions where those seemed likely to interfere with getting myself to a safer place in life. However I then had no real memory of having done that as an adult, since to do it successfully I had to squash most memories of squashing the emotional (traumatized) parts, too.

We're apparently more healed when we better integrate some of these "parts", which is complicated and time-consuming. But a survival & daily-functionality-oriented "part" can easily override a "part" with emotions that are sort of from a younger age; such parts can apparently also sort of lack our adult part's adult coping and thinking abilities too. We can indeed really need to slow down and listen to ourselves.

I'm finding this model of the self really helpful. I hope your T accepts these approaches, I think they are powerful ways to think about ourselves and explain a lot that was just scattered occurrences/feelings for me for decades. For me, my parts are all "me", I'm not DID, but I understand this varies.

Also, I'm not sure that willing yourself through things is a function of being young! It might have been that you were very focused on survival. Maybe a deep part knows that now you can relax enough to become more complete, integrated... feels messier, can mean we need to change our behavior to take care of more fragile emotional parts of ourselves, but it's so worthwhile! (I decided to keep reminding myself of that... even when I can't feel that.)