SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
Ok, please bear with me, this is a bit confusing. I feel it will sound rediculuous. But on the other hand I feel stuck, and therefore if anything helps feeling stupid for asking would be worth it.
I have always been introvert, and also- I've had anxiety at least since teen. I've been 'more sensitive' even before, but in the teen years it really because anxiety, I think- though I couldn't name it yet. I had few panic attacks, I also couldn't be waitress at all from shaky hands, things like that. People around me, crowds, classes, it was always overwhelming, always something to prepare for, but I got through it. University, trying new things, pushing myself. I had interesting university and cozy and great group of friends so being more social was easier. Then came PTSD, and things that used to be overwhelming became impossible.
Here is the thing though. Had I have started work, at the time it got this bad, maybe it would be different. But I was still in uni, and also my PTSD was sort of intertwined with one of my first summer jobs. So I was terrified. And the last 15 years have been a string of disjointed attempts at things. When I started my first attempt at independent life- I was so terrified, for like 3 months, to even go outside. I went out sporadically, mostly just to buy bread, or like, one social thing weekly. By the time it got better, I was in desperate need to work and worked online. Transcription to begin with. Virtual assistant then for more stable pay. Then over the years there have been times with some work in person and many jobs online, depending on my health. Also time with none. As I got a new friend group in the new city, and got to know my surroundings, it became home. Being social was okay in good times, just as usual required a solid getting ready routine, running out the door still gave me anxiety. If I have a week with something social every day, it would lead to need to rest. If I had a few days with more than one thing daily, I'd get overwhelmed. Things got bad after covid again. That there were periods of going hungry because I can't get myself out the door to the nearest store, or eating junk food because l live across from it. I had a period of working in person, and I felt destroyed, overwhelmed and burned out. Though that is not why I left that job. But it never became easy and I took 2 hours before work to get ready- 1hour if I was absolutely exhausted-, because it was the only way to calm my anxiety to get out the front door and in an overfilled bus. I feel I was so taken with the effort to get myself outside that learning what I had to at the job was only the second priority always and I was often too overwhelmed to pay attention to as all I should have,
What is that? I mean it seems to get worse in worse anxious times, and in some good times it's almost not there. Except that I still haven't worked in person consistently. And that even in good times I've mostly needed excessively long time to get ready, because I needed to mentally prepare. I always enjoyed getting ready, but I was definitely not always like that. Now the AI situation is making online work more stressful, I have been on and off work because of mental health, and even my private lessons that are in person- they are 1 on 1, and also mostly at my home(or, current residence). For a second I considered getting some easy job for 3 months just to get a steady income and push myself out of being depressed, sort of... but lately I have been out of the house few times a week only, days when I'm outside completely exhaust me and frequently need extra preparation, and include skipped buses until I manage to get outside. I want to eventually have a job in person, obviously. But right now? Even going out few times overwhelms me, how am I supposed to do every day? I know it sounds lazy and entitled but also I literally break out in sweat and feel like I'll throw up sometimes. Am I supposed to find a way to fix my online career until I'm stable financially enough to get therapy and go to a job in person? Or am I supposed to just wander between online and offline work until I get over myself and manage to work somewhere regularly without feeling like this(or with feeling like this but just managing it with getting ready longer)? By the way that was always the case with the jobs I had, just because there were so few before I got PTSD, and I was already anxious. I had a job where I was leaving for work at 8:30am and still never woke later than 6:30. I would take time for all the regular things you do, plus read or watch TV, something to feel homey and soothing until I can push myself to get on a bus. Always with music. Okay, I'm going to go. There are a lot more instances but this is long already. Also I think I'm too anxious to explain fully.
I have always been introvert, and also- I've had anxiety at least since teen. I've been 'more sensitive' even before, but in the teen years it really because anxiety, I think- though I couldn't name it yet. I had few panic attacks, I also couldn't be waitress at all from shaky hands, things like that. People around me, crowds, classes, it was always overwhelming, always something to prepare for, but I got through it. University, trying new things, pushing myself. I had interesting university and cozy and great group of friends so being more social was easier. Then came PTSD, and things that used to be overwhelming became impossible.
Here is the thing though. Had I have started work, at the time it got this bad, maybe it would be different. But I was still in uni, and also my PTSD was sort of intertwined with one of my first summer jobs. So I was terrified. And the last 15 years have been a string of disjointed attempts at things. When I started my first attempt at independent life- I was so terrified, for like 3 months, to even go outside. I went out sporadically, mostly just to buy bread, or like, one social thing weekly. By the time it got better, I was in desperate need to work and worked online. Transcription to begin with. Virtual assistant then for more stable pay. Then over the years there have been times with some work in person and many jobs online, depending on my health. Also time with none. As I got a new friend group in the new city, and got to know my surroundings, it became home. Being social was okay in good times, just as usual required a solid getting ready routine, running out the door still gave me anxiety. If I have a week with something social every day, it would lead to need to rest. If I had a few days with more than one thing daily, I'd get overwhelmed. Things got bad after covid again. That there were periods of going hungry because I can't get myself out the door to the nearest store, or eating junk food because l live across from it. I had a period of working in person, and I felt destroyed, overwhelmed and burned out. Though that is not why I left that job. But it never became easy and I took 2 hours before work to get ready- 1hour if I was absolutely exhausted-, because it was the only way to calm my anxiety to get out the front door and in an overfilled bus. I feel I was so taken with the effort to get myself outside that learning what I had to at the job was only the second priority always and I was often too overwhelmed to pay attention to as all I should have,
What is that? I mean it seems to get worse in worse anxious times, and in some good times it's almost not there. Except that I still haven't worked in person consistently. And that even in good times I've mostly needed excessively long time to get ready, because I needed to mentally prepare. I always enjoyed getting ready, but I was definitely not always like that. Now the AI situation is making online work more stressful, I have been on and off work because of mental health, and even my private lessons that are in person- they are 1 on 1, and also mostly at my home(or, current residence). For a second I considered getting some easy job for 3 months just to get a steady income and push myself out of being depressed, sort of... but lately I have been out of the house few times a week only, days when I'm outside completely exhaust me and frequently need extra preparation, and include skipped buses until I manage to get outside. I want to eventually have a job in person, obviously. But right now? Even going out few times overwhelms me, how am I supposed to do every day? I know it sounds lazy and entitled but also I literally break out in sweat and feel like I'll throw up sometimes. Am I supposed to find a way to fix my online career until I'm stable financially enough to get therapy and go to a job in person? Or am I supposed to just wander between online and offline work until I get over myself and manage to work somewhere regularly without feeling like this(or with feeling like this but just managing it with getting ready longer)? By the way that was always the case with the jobs I had, just because there were so few before I got PTSD, and I was already anxious. I had a job where I was leaving for work at 8:30am and still never woke later than 6:30. I would take time for all the regular things you do, plus read or watch TV, something to feel homey and soothing until I can push myself to get on a bus. Always with music. Okay, I'm going to go. There are a lot more instances but this is long already. Also I think I'm too anxious to explain fully.
