desiderata310
VIP Member
I am a few days separated from the trial now and still feel a little lost. Again, it's not a bad feeling just strange.
Friday we had my follow up appointment.
So how did I feel? A little lost. A little confused but a little brighter.
I admitted that I had been planning to kill myself: said the good byes, prepped everything and was going to leave the court house after losing and hang myself.
My therapist had a few questions about this. He wasn't angry but I think he was kind of concerned because he had not caught it. The signs had all been there and he felt like he should have figured it out. I told him that I knew he had no idea
He admitted that yes, if I had told him, he would have had the bailiff hold me until arrangements for my transport had been made. So he understood that I couldn't tell him.
I don't think that I did much for my relationship with my therapist but he at least understood.
Talked about how I actually felt about winning and the fact that I have poked the bear- that in the end what this meant for my suicidal thinking.
I think we both appreciated that this was a serious turning point for me.
My biggest frustration: I am still having nightmares. Actually, they are worse. He asked me to keep track of this over the next few days. He's hoping they will taper off a bit. So far, that has not been the case.
The big question of the day: so... now what?
Some how we got over to talking about the kids, my diagnosis and all. PTSD he insisted, is not a mental illness but rather a brain disorder so I am not crazy. I pointed out that it was listed as such in the DSM and I was seeing a THERAPIST about it and he argued that it HAD to be listed somewhere because everyone likes to have a diagnosis to point to for the insurance companies and that it was a medical problem that had manifested in behavioral symptoms. Then he mentioned something about my problems with attachment and told me that he feels that I have an attachment disorder. This, he explained, was why I had such a problem with trusting people. I had learned not to trust my parents and he began talking about how my parents being narcissist actually caused so much harm.
I asked if that meant that my kids had suffered because I was unable to make meaningful connections with people. And he said that this was likely. I broke down at this. He went on to ask me about how I was with the kids when they were little. What was it like? I told him about how when I was expecting my first, I couldn't enjoy being pregnant. I was just an embarrassment but when they placed my son in my arms, I couldn't have cared less. Everything changed. I really thought, that even though I had royally messed up that I could make a go of things and be a mom and a wife and have a family. He smiled at that and said that with their dad that part was out of my control but that I had been a good mom.
But they will have problems? They learned behaviors from me, have attachment problems like me, I've ruined them.
No, They will have problems but not anything as severe as mine and they will deal well with them and will have to confront their problems as they grow older but that I did the best I could.
I still feel like a failure. I looked at him and said, you know, I never wanted kids. I never wanted any of this. He knew but thought that I had done right by them anyway.
He encouraged me to look up attachment disorders and EMDR and attachment types and EMDR. He said that I would come across some particular person's name that he had studied under and encouraged me to read up on it since my brain is wired that way He talked about neuroplacticty and said that it was all reversible. I corrected him: that it was all reversible to a certain extent. I'd done my research as well. In cases such as mine, symptoms lessen but don't go away entirely.
He corrected himself. It's like when he promised a month ago that I would walk out of the courtroom that day with a restraining order. Please, don't promise something that you can't be certain to deliver on.
He wanted me to take the weekend and really just enjoy this newfound lightness and let everything kind of sink in. He has plans to actually move forward with the EMDR but doesn't want me stressing about it just yet. We will start in next week with the resource material.
He was kind of proud of me. He was very pleased because he felt that he had actually done something significant to help me. He then talked about how they are trained to not get emotionally involved in their cases but felt that was bullshit. I got that. I told him that I figured that this would be an incredibly depressing job and that there had to be some sort of pay off to make it worthwhile. Hell, it's the only reason I do what I do. He said that tried not to let on but that he said that he literally HATED my husband and that it was all he could do to keep from telling him off in court when he was being questioned. His testimony was a significant turning point for me. It meant that he actually BELIEVED me. He actually thought that my issues were PTSD related and he wasn't just collecting a paycheck and listening to me whine.
He came back to my levels of trust and kind of hinted that he might have moved up that trust ladder. I would say he has.
I don't know what happens next. I'm still broken. I still have that tiny hint of suicidal feelings. Feel that I really don't belong here- that I am a waste of air. He felt we could work on all those things and make it go away.
It's kind of scary.
This is all uncharted territory.
Friday we had my follow up appointment.
So how did I feel? A little lost. A little confused but a little brighter.
I admitted that I had been planning to kill myself: said the good byes, prepped everything and was going to leave the court house after losing and hang myself.
My therapist had a few questions about this. He wasn't angry but I think he was kind of concerned because he had not caught it. The signs had all been there and he felt like he should have figured it out. I told him that I knew he had no idea
He admitted that yes, if I had told him, he would have had the bailiff hold me until arrangements for my transport had been made. So he understood that I couldn't tell him.
I don't think that I did much for my relationship with my therapist but he at least understood.
Talked about how I actually felt about winning and the fact that I have poked the bear- that in the end what this meant for my suicidal thinking.
I think we both appreciated that this was a serious turning point for me.
My biggest frustration: I am still having nightmares. Actually, they are worse. He asked me to keep track of this over the next few days. He's hoping they will taper off a bit. So far, that has not been the case.
The big question of the day: so... now what?
Some how we got over to talking about the kids, my diagnosis and all. PTSD he insisted, is not a mental illness but rather a brain disorder so I am not crazy. I pointed out that it was listed as such in the DSM and I was seeing a THERAPIST about it and he argued that it HAD to be listed somewhere because everyone likes to have a diagnosis to point to for the insurance companies and that it was a medical problem that had manifested in behavioral symptoms. Then he mentioned something about my problems with attachment and told me that he feels that I have an attachment disorder. This, he explained, was why I had such a problem with trusting people. I had learned not to trust my parents and he began talking about how my parents being narcissist actually caused so much harm.
I asked if that meant that my kids had suffered because I was unable to make meaningful connections with people. And he said that this was likely. I broke down at this. He went on to ask me about how I was with the kids when they were little. What was it like? I told him about how when I was expecting my first, I couldn't enjoy being pregnant. I was just an embarrassment but when they placed my son in my arms, I couldn't have cared less. Everything changed. I really thought, that even though I had royally messed up that I could make a go of things and be a mom and a wife and have a family. He smiled at that and said that with their dad that part was out of my control but that I had been a good mom.
But they will have problems? They learned behaviors from me, have attachment problems like me, I've ruined them.
No, They will have problems but not anything as severe as mine and they will deal well with them and will have to confront their problems as they grow older but that I did the best I could.
I still feel like a failure. I looked at him and said, you know, I never wanted kids. I never wanted any of this. He knew but thought that I had done right by them anyway.
He encouraged me to look up attachment disorders and EMDR and attachment types and EMDR. He said that I would come across some particular person's name that he had studied under and encouraged me to read up on it since my brain is wired that way He talked about neuroplacticty and said that it was all reversible. I corrected him: that it was all reversible to a certain extent. I'd done my research as well. In cases such as mine, symptoms lessen but don't go away entirely.
He corrected himself. It's like when he promised a month ago that I would walk out of the courtroom that day with a restraining order. Please, don't promise something that you can't be certain to deliver on.
He wanted me to take the weekend and really just enjoy this newfound lightness and let everything kind of sink in. He has plans to actually move forward with the EMDR but doesn't want me stressing about it just yet. We will start in next week with the resource material.
He was kind of proud of me. He was very pleased because he felt that he had actually done something significant to help me. He then talked about how they are trained to not get emotionally involved in their cases but felt that was bullshit. I got that. I told him that I figured that this would be an incredibly depressing job and that there had to be some sort of pay off to make it worthwhile. Hell, it's the only reason I do what I do. He said that tried not to let on but that he said that he literally HATED my husband and that it was all he could do to keep from telling him off in court when he was being questioned. His testimony was a significant turning point for me. It meant that he actually BELIEVED me. He actually thought that my issues were PTSD related and he wasn't just collecting a paycheck and listening to me whine.
He came back to my levels of trust and kind of hinted that he might have moved up that trust ladder. I would say he has.
I don't know what happens next. I'm still broken. I still have that tiny hint of suicidal feelings. Feel that I really don't belong here- that I am a waste of air. He felt we could work on all those things and make it go away.
It's kind of scary.
This is all uncharted territory.
