Childhood Unsure

[Angel_demon]

Hello this is my first post. I was assaulted by a family friend when I was about 12 y/o. I have been told I have PTSD because of it but my mind keeps remembering a event that happened when I was about 3 or 4 of my grandfathers wife ( not my real grama). I remember being touched down there but that's all I really remember. I was so young I know I shouldn't have memories from that young but this image has haunted me my whole life. I'm 35 now. I told my family but no one has ever believed me. So I never told about the assault when I was older. I wasn't sure anyone would believe me. My question is can you really have a memory like that from such a young age. It has severly affected my intimacy with my partner of 10 years.

 

[Nam]

My question is can you really have a Link Removed like that from such a young age.

Short answer is yes. There are people here that have memories that young and have been validated. I'm not one of these people. The memories come back on their own. Sometimes it's just sensations, sometimes it's a smell, sometimes it's a sound. But the visuals are very few. It seems I only get the visual when I dissociate. So my memory is of me, outside of my body.

I'm sorry that your family made a terrible mistake of not believing you. I have a deep fear of that with my own children. Because of this fear, I keep telling them, over and over, that they can tell me anything. That I love them no matter what. In some ways, being raised in that kind of environment can make me a better person by trying very hard not to do those things.

I would suggest that you start documenting these flashes of memory. Write down what it was before it escapes you. (The body is amazing at stuffing it back where it was.) Then write down what you were doing before the memory surfaced. Write down how you feel about it. Time, date, place, and other pertinent information.

It took about 30 memories of mine for me to see a pattern in my behavior and moods. My memories surface when feeling really content and stress free. My mind only allows it when I'm capable of handling it. But prior to feeling that content feeling, I have a long period of worsening depression. After the memory and after processing (that gets easier every time), I have a good period of feeling like I'm myself, before it starts all over again. The most recent memory I had was the first time that I had consciously known that it was coming. It was helpful and a curse at the same time. Luckily it was only about 30 minutes between the memory and the warning. It sure would be nice if I could control it.

I picture memories like bubbles in tar. When the bubble has enough lift, it gradually goes through the tar toward the surface. At the surface, it bulges for quite some time. When the pressure is too great for the surface tension, the bubble bursts. That is the way it is for me. The pressure is slow building but the memory is instant.

Everyone gets memories differently. I know now from reading books about memory that a child processes traumatic memories in a different way. The feelings (fear, disgust, horror), sensations (touch, pain, pressure), sights and sounds are separated and stored in different places. This is why when a memory surfaces, many times we only get one part of the memory. I had a memory 10 years ago that was just a sensation and fear. Just recently, I have the sight. The memory is pretty much complete and I'm slowly processing it to put it in the right place. The good thing about processing the memories is that it allows the body and mind and feelings to connect to together. I had not realized how numb I was until recently. I thought I was happy. But I really wasn't. Even my sensations have gotten more intense and now I feel the emotion with it. For example, if I hug a person I love, it's not just the physical things like: warmth, smell, and touch. I also get the overwhelming emotion with it. It gives meaning to touch. That is such a simple thing but it give so much richness to life.

May I suggest that you go to a counselor or therapist about it? Talking it through does help. Good luck on your journey, @ Angel_demon.

 

[garden]

I know from personal experience that you can have some very early childhood memories. Mine were confirmed by my mother, who was quite shocked that I could remember. I remember being held in someones arms and seeing the large window in our living room suddenly shatter. I don't remember any emotions just the visual. I did not know how it shattered, or who did it, but I was in the room being held by my paternal grandmother as my biological father threw something at my mother, she dodged it and it went through the window. I was 18 months old when that took place. I remember my biological fathers, brothers house. My brother and I had stayed there for 2 weeks once, when I was almost 2, and my brother was 3, our mom was with our biological father, and we were left with these relatives, and I remember missing my mother. I describe the inside of the house to my mother, and she again confirms it all. She cried when I described it all. All I could remember was visual stuff, like how the house was set up (how rooms were layed out) and the furniture placement. I told her how the backyard was just tall grass with a metal swing set, she confirmed it. We never went back to that uncles house again, and soon after our stay, my biological father started following the Grateful Dead around (he abandoned my mom and brother and I), and we became estranged from his family.

There are things like this, that I can describe in visual detail from a very young age, but it's all visual, like little snap shots.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes.

I am your age.

My abuse was at the same age as yours. (It was even the same type of abuse, female perpetrator.)

I have always had those memories, and they are very real.