Unwanted touch while married

[Punky143]

I've been married over 20 years and although our relationship began with a lot of affection, throughout the years it's dwindled to the point I no longer like it. Throughout the years I've discovered I have unprocessed childhood trauma that's changed who I am. I have been working on it with my therapist but very slowly. Despite my husband knowing about the concept, he lacks insight of what it means and it's everyday effect it has on me. One of them being unwanted touch. I've asked for him to not to surprise touch me and he continues to do it and internalize it and feels rejected. I can understand why but it doesn't seem like he does. He craves physical touch to mend his insecurities thinking it's what married couples do. Not all marriages are the same and there's no rule book for everyone to follow. And yet he still does it. It sends my body into panic mode and anger and what he fails to understand is he's pushing me away. We operate from different love languages but he doesn't know about that stuff. I'm at a loss because I think it's very disrespectful. Any thoughts

 

[gorgonzola]

Is it the surprise or the touches that are unwanted? If the former, can he announce his intentions first; if the latter, can he say it with flowers instead?

He craves physical touch to mend his insecurities thinking it's what married couples do.

Is that something you've deduced, or did you hear it straight from him? This sounds like you've had a detailed conversation about it; is that the case?

And yet he still does it. It sends my body into panic mode and anger

It doesn't sound like this could be possibly be missed as being a direct consequence of his surprise touches unless perhaps it's a very delayed reaction. That and the fact he feels rejected by your response.

and what he fails to understand is he's pushing me away.

That's a real headscratcher, as if he hadn't been a party to any conversation (detailed or not) about your feelings about his surprise touches and for some reason hasn't been able to link them to your negative reactions.

That he's trying the same thing again and again and expecting different results, well, not to put too fine a point on it but is he insane?