nursenurse
Diamond Member
Just thought I would post on my state of affairs. For new supporters of those already diagnosed with PTSD, I hope you read this well. I frequently reply to newbie postings, but this is an example of how things can take shape, from someone who has all the tools and the proper thinking to carry on a relationship with my sufferer. At least I thought so.
My ex-marine is on disability. We have known each other for almost 9 months, and care very much about each other. We haven't jumped into the quick co-habiting situation as many here have. My job takes me away for several weeks at a time. The big issue between us has been communication, or lack of it. Internet is supposed to be taken care of by his landlord, was cut off a while back. Phones as well, and he had no cell. On his disability payments every month, I knew he could not afford one. So I bought him a cheap phone/plan, he said the only other person he was going to give the number to was his brother, and any professionals he needed to work with.
While on my last northern stint, we would agree to a good time for me to call. I was never incessant, but with all the support I have offered him in the past while, all I wanted was to feel a wee bit important. I think we all need that. I was able to talk to him many times over that time, but quite frequently, I did not talk to him even after he had said to call him. I am on call frequently, so it was always better for me to call. I began feeling a bit funny about things, and when the going gets tough, the tough go snooping.
I checked out the usage on the phone, since I am paying the bill. I found in less than three weeks that there had been 94 pages of activity, 10 activities per page. When I checked out the times and the numbers, my calls were being ignored at times, while he was texting/making calls to many other people at the same time. I had no illusions that he wouldn't re-connect with some friends, but I thought it was a bit excessive. Then I checked out a few of the area codes. Jamaica. Newark. We live in Canada.
I was home only for one night as I had a trip to Europe the following day that I had planned well before meeting him. I called him from the airport when I returned home, he was awake, happy to hear from me, I was going over to see him, he was going to return to my place with me for an evening. His home environment is a 3 ring circus, such is what happens when disability payments cannot cover the rental of a decent room.
When I got there, he was fast asleep, in the afternoon, and it took him 6 hours to awaken. However, I needed to confront him about all of the messaging etc, I needed to know if there was a "we." He denied many of the calls when we went over the texts individually, decided that one of the boarders had been misappropriating the phone while he was asleep, and admitted he had lent her the phone once in awhile. He showed me his contacts, understood why I felt shaken. I told him that when I returned from Europe, I wanted to have three way conversation with her, henceforth known as the Cow. I needed proof. I mentioned also about the ignored calls, but that issue became lost when we felt the Cow had intervened. However, I did tell him that he needed to step up to the plate and somehow show me that I was important to him. The easiest way would be a short call, or an email, something, which he agreed to.
I was only in Europe for a week, he said he was happy to receive calls from me, so every day, I would call again at a certain time because of the time difference, and I knew he had other things to do. And again, I started to feel that my calls at times were being ignored. I confronted him on the phone about this, and then he said he couldn't deny it. I asked why, he said he didn't know. I said he needed to think this over, and that perhaps I may not be the right one for him, because he was ignoring me. His brother was being ignored too, for the few texts/calls that we would send, he was conversing many, many times with other people. No, not other women, but folks who to me do not have his best interests at heart. And the two who actually give a damn, nothing.
We carried on that conversation with plans of what to do when I returned home later that week. I reiterated that I wanted to confront the Cow, which he agreed to. Then i said I hoped I received a better greeting than last time (the six hour sleep, no drugs/alcohol involved). He snapped. he started yelling at me on the phone, and at long distance charges from Belgium, and knowing how his anger had already quickly escalated, I said good bye and hung up.
The next day, I texted him to say I was sorry for the hang up, more to keep the communication lines open. In reality, I had nothing to apologize for. His text back was that he couldn't forgive me, and that maybe I was right, he wasn't ready to be with anyone. He turned off his phone right after, so didn't listen to messages or texts. Needless to say all I wanted to do was cry in a Belgian beer, then drink it, eat chocolate, and maybe a Belgian waffle dripping whipped cream and hot chocolate sauce.
The following day, I was in an art gallery, and he texted me saying that he was off to a couple of appointments in a couple of hours, and that he would call me after so I could pick up the phone and the net book I had lent him after he had MacGuyvered his own computer into oblivion. A few texts later, he revealed he was depressed, the situation at home had escalated, and that my problems hadn't helped. However, he said he loved me and did not want to split. We agreed to meet when I returned.
He came over Thursday, revealed more about his depression, but also stated that he had sought out help on his own, which for him was a huge thing to do, being intensely private. His first counselling session is in August. He had stopped his antidepressant as well, and had since seen his MD and was back on. He is also in anger management classes.
Today, he had one of his classes. I was going to pick him up after it, I said I would be there about a half hour before it ended in case it got out early. He had forgotten his cell at my place, so I gave him my cell number, he said he would call if anything changed.
I returned at 1240, the program should have ended at 1 PM. It was pouring rain, actually, a deluge. I waited until 1, saw the next group go in, did not see my guy, the secretary said his group had finished at 1130-ish. He had bus money with him, and assuming either he forgot to call me, or they would not let him use the phone, I figured he had taken the bus to his place. I went there through the rivers of rain, found his landlord and a cohort of losers there, they said he hadn't returned yet. I went back out looking, but took the highway again, figuring I maybe missed seeing him at the stop. No luck, I went back to his place to wait.
When I returned to his place, the others were gone, then I heard his annoyed voice from the bedroom. Apparently he had waited 20 minutes for me, then had started to walk. Apparently I had driven right past him, he had practically jumped out in front of my car, and I had almost hit him how could I be so f-ing oblivious, and on and on. I asked if he was sure it had been me, because the times did not add up. He does not have a watch, did not look at the clock in the foyer before he left. But he insisted it was me, and while I still don't think it was, I apologized. He had walked home in that deluge, and I imagine I would have been a little sore about it myself had it been me. But in his anger, he made me feel belittled, and I told him that. He didn't take that well. However, he calmed down somewhat, and I should have just left him there to cool off overnight. We had plans to take in an air soft convention, which I knew he would like, so we proceeded there. Mostly silently. Inside I was simmering. Five minutes before we got there, I thought I would just drop him off for a couple of hours, drop his dog at my place, run an errand, and come back. I felt I needed just a wee bit of space since I wasn't allowed to discuss things anymore.
I told him my thoughts when we arrived (he had been dozing the entire trip) and he snapped. Take him home now, he wasn't about to get f-ing dumped etc etc. I can't even get into the anger that he was manifesting, nothing remotely physical, but then said he didn't want to be with me, f-sharps flying, on and on. I tried to explain my rationale, it was total BS to him. He sees black and white most of the time, if/when he gets angry, there is no reasoning/talking, nothing. After bearing the brunt of his tirade, we mad the 2 hour trip back to his place in relative silence. He did not look at me, he would not talk to me, he just kept his eyes closed. At one point I ventured a quiet "Do you love me?" Which was answered by a sharp "Yep." "Do you want to try and work it out, followed by a barely audible "Yep." When I said pardon, there was a "we'll see", then, a YEP, when I asked again. Then more silence. When we were a couple of minutes from his place, I asked if it was okay to see him before I leave on Thursday, that if we were going to split, that perhaps once the anger had dissipated we could part as adults and be grateful for what we had shared. Then I said the decision was his to make, that I was sorry for my part in things.
He never said a word. He got out of the car as quickly as he could, ran into the house. left his appointment book in the car, has all his counselling appointments in it. I went in with it, he grabbed it silently and threw it on the desk. That was it.
There are no questions here, no anything. My timing with my issues with him were bad, and I can tell you that a bad marriage breakup, PTSD and depression are not a good mix. I have always picked my battles well with him, but sometimes it is a crapshoot, and even armed with all the knowledge and education in the world, we supporters will get it all wrong. It's just how many times can one go through being wrong. Nicolette often talks about the eggshells. I have walked so many these past few days. The only thing was once he started opening up again while I was in Belgium, he admitted, it was him and not me.
Eventually, though, you do take some stuff personally, it is basic human nature, especially when the angry person is someone you love.
Part of me wants to go running back tomorrow, and I will not, trust me. Doesn't stop the heart from wanting what it wants. Because he always brings my netbook back here while he is here due to the sticky fingers at his house, we now have no way of communicating at all. I am torn between dropping over on Wednesday, or just packing it in for the five weeks I will be out on my Arctic chill, working, let the chips fall where they may when I return. Generally after a session, which have been maybe two up until now, he will feel intensely remorseful and then projects it onto himself totally, feeling worse than he should. This will usually happen the following day with him.
I do not want to play the game "Make him miss you." If he does want a time out to get all his counselling and such in place, I would be happy to agree. If he is done, really truly does not want the relationship, while hurtful, it would be better to know now. I don't want him to think I have abandoned him, which is why I want to see him later in the week. He has no means of getting here to me. But really, in having me take me home the way he did, he abandoned me. Again.
He needs his space right now, but allowing sufferers what they need does not take away the hurt of what we feel, when things tank. As a supporter, the continuum of compromise usually ends up with the supporter making more, it is the nature of the beast. You have to decide where the new middle is. Is it at 60%? 75%? 90%?
I know this is an especially long post, and to anyone who has read through it and commented, thank you. My situation is not uncommon, just change the location the argument subject, and you will have what a lot of supporters go through. Love is not enough, otherwise, I would never have needed to write this.
My ex-marine is on disability. We have known each other for almost 9 months, and care very much about each other. We haven't jumped into the quick co-habiting situation as many here have. My job takes me away for several weeks at a time. The big issue between us has been communication, or lack of it. Internet is supposed to be taken care of by his landlord, was cut off a while back. Phones as well, and he had no cell. On his disability payments every month, I knew he could not afford one. So I bought him a cheap phone/plan, he said the only other person he was going to give the number to was his brother, and any professionals he needed to work with.
While on my last northern stint, we would agree to a good time for me to call. I was never incessant, but with all the support I have offered him in the past while, all I wanted was to feel a wee bit important. I think we all need that. I was able to talk to him many times over that time, but quite frequently, I did not talk to him even after he had said to call him. I am on call frequently, so it was always better for me to call. I began feeling a bit funny about things, and when the going gets tough, the tough go snooping.
I checked out the usage on the phone, since I am paying the bill. I found in less than three weeks that there had been 94 pages of activity, 10 activities per page. When I checked out the times and the numbers, my calls were being ignored at times, while he was texting/making calls to many other people at the same time. I had no illusions that he wouldn't re-connect with some friends, but I thought it was a bit excessive. Then I checked out a few of the area codes. Jamaica. Newark. We live in Canada.
I was home only for one night as I had a trip to Europe the following day that I had planned well before meeting him. I called him from the airport when I returned home, he was awake, happy to hear from me, I was going over to see him, he was going to return to my place with me for an evening. His home environment is a 3 ring circus, such is what happens when disability payments cannot cover the rental of a decent room.
When I got there, he was fast asleep, in the afternoon, and it took him 6 hours to awaken. However, I needed to confront him about all of the messaging etc, I needed to know if there was a "we." He denied many of the calls when we went over the texts individually, decided that one of the boarders had been misappropriating the phone while he was asleep, and admitted he had lent her the phone once in awhile. He showed me his contacts, understood why I felt shaken. I told him that when I returned from Europe, I wanted to have three way conversation with her, henceforth known as the Cow. I needed proof. I mentioned also about the ignored calls, but that issue became lost when we felt the Cow had intervened. However, I did tell him that he needed to step up to the plate and somehow show me that I was important to him. The easiest way would be a short call, or an email, something, which he agreed to.
I was only in Europe for a week, he said he was happy to receive calls from me, so every day, I would call again at a certain time because of the time difference, and I knew he had other things to do. And again, I started to feel that my calls at times were being ignored. I confronted him on the phone about this, and then he said he couldn't deny it. I asked why, he said he didn't know. I said he needed to think this over, and that perhaps I may not be the right one for him, because he was ignoring me. His brother was being ignored too, for the few texts/calls that we would send, he was conversing many, many times with other people. No, not other women, but folks who to me do not have his best interests at heart. And the two who actually give a damn, nothing.
We carried on that conversation with plans of what to do when I returned home later that week. I reiterated that I wanted to confront the Cow, which he agreed to. Then i said I hoped I received a better greeting than last time (the six hour sleep, no drugs/alcohol involved). He snapped. he started yelling at me on the phone, and at long distance charges from Belgium, and knowing how his anger had already quickly escalated, I said good bye and hung up.
The next day, I texted him to say I was sorry for the hang up, more to keep the communication lines open. In reality, I had nothing to apologize for. His text back was that he couldn't forgive me, and that maybe I was right, he wasn't ready to be with anyone. He turned off his phone right after, so didn't listen to messages or texts. Needless to say all I wanted to do was cry in a Belgian beer, then drink it, eat chocolate, and maybe a Belgian waffle dripping whipped cream and hot chocolate sauce.
The following day, I was in an art gallery, and he texted me saying that he was off to a couple of appointments in a couple of hours, and that he would call me after so I could pick up the phone and the net book I had lent him after he had MacGuyvered his own computer into oblivion. A few texts later, he revealed he was depressed, the situation at home had escalated, and that my problems hadn't helped. However, he said he loved me and did not want to split. We agreed to meet when I returned.
He came over Thursday, revealed more about his depression, but also stated that he had sought out help on his own, which for him was a huge thing to do, being intensely private. His first counselling session is in August. He had stopped his antidepressant as well, and had since seen his MD and was back on. He is also in anger management classes.
Today, he had one of his classes. I was going to pick him up after it, I said I would be there about a half hour before it ended in case it got out early. He had forgotten his cell at my place, so I gave him my cell number, he said he would call if anything changed.
I returned at 1240, the program should have ended at 1 PM. It was pouring rain, actually, a deluge. I waited until 1, saw the next group go in, did not see my guy, the secretary said his group had finished at 1130-ish. He had bus money with him, and assuming either he forgot to call me, or they would not let him use the phone, I figured he had taken the bus to his place. I went there through the rivers of rain, found his landlord and a cohort of losers there, they said he hadn't returned yet. I went back out looking, but took the highway again, figuring I maybe missed seeing him at the stop. No luck, I went back to his place to wait.
When I returned to his place, the others were gone, then I heard his annoyed voice from the bedroom. Apparently he had waited 20 minutes for me, then had started to walk. Apparently I had driven right past him, he had practically jumped out in front of my car, and I had almost hit him how could I be so f-ing oblivious, and on and on. I asked if he was sure it had been me, because the times did not add up. He does not have a watch, did not look at the clock in the foyer before he left. But he insisted it was me, and while I still don't think it was, I apologized. He had walked home in that deluge, and I imagine I would have been a little sore about it myself had it been me. But in his anger, he made me feel belittled, and I told him that. He didn't take that well. However, he calmed down somewhat, and I should have just left him there to cool off overnight. We had plans to take in an air soft convention, which I knew he would like, so we proceeded there. Mostly silently. Inside I was simmering. Five minutes before we got there, I thought I would just drop him off for a couple of hours, drop his dog at my place, run an errand, and come back. I felt I needed just a wee bit of space since I wasn't allowed to discuss things anymore.
I told him my thoughts when we arrived (he had been dozing the entire trip) and he snapped. Take him home now, he wasn't about to get f-ing dumped etc etc. I can't even get into the anger that he was manifesting, nothing remotely physical, but then said he didn't want to be with me, f-sharps flying, on and on. I tried to explain my rationale, it was total BS to him. He sees black and white most of the time, if/when he gets angry, there is no reasoning/talking, nothing. After bearing the brunt of his tirade, we mad the 2 hour trip back to his place in relative silence. He did not look at me, he would not talk to me, he just kept his eyes closed. At one point I ventured a quiet "Do you love me?" Which was answered by a sharp "Yep." "Do you want to try and work it out, followed by a barely audible "Yep." When I said pardon, there was a "we'll see", then, a YEP, when I asked again. Then more silence. When we were a couple of minutes from his place, I asked if it was okay to see him before I leave on Thursday, that if we were going to split, that perhaps once the anger had dissipated we could part as adults and be grateful for what we had shared. Then I said the decision was his to make, that I was sorry for my part in things.
He never said a word. He got out of the car as quickly as he could, ran into the house. left his appointment book in the car, has all his counselling appointments in it. I went in with it, he grabbed it silently and threw it on the desk. That was it.
There are no questions here, no anything. My timing with my issues with him were bad, and I can tell you that a bad marriage breakup, PTSD and depression are not a good mix. I have always picked my battles well with him, but sometimes it is a crapshoot, and even armed with all the knowledge and education in the world, we supporters will get it all wrong. It's just how many times can one go through being wrong. Nicolette often talks about the eggshells. I have walked so many these past few days. The only thing was once he started opening up again while I was in Belgium, he admitted, it was him and not me.
Eventually, though, you do take some stuff personally, it is basic human nature, especially when the angry person is someone you love.
Part of me wants to go running back tomorrow, and I will not, trust me. Doesn't stop the heart from wanting what it wants. Because he always brings my netbook back here while he is here due to the sticky fingers at his house, we now have no way of communicating at all. I am torn between dropping over on Wednesday, or just packing it in for the five weeks I will be out on my Arctic chill, working, let the chips fall where they may when I return. Generally after a session, which have been maybe two up until now, he will feel intensely remorseful and then projects it onto himself totally, feeling worse than he should. This will usually happen the following day with him.
I do not want to play the game "Make him miss you." If he does want a time out to get all his counselling and such in place, I would be happy to agree. If he is done, really truly does not want the relationship, while hurtful, it would be better to know now. I don't want him to think I have abandoned him, which is why I want to see him later in the week. He has no means of getting here to me. But really, in having me take me home the way he did, he abandoned me. Again.
He needs his space right now, but allowing sufferers what they need does not take away the hurt of what we feel, when things tank. As a supporter, the continuum of compromise usually ends up with the supporter making more, it is the nature of the beast. You have to decide where the new middle is. Is it at 60%? 75%? 90%?
I know this is an especially long post, and to anyone who has read through it and commented, thank you. My situation is not uncommon, just change the location the argument subject, and you will have what a lot of supporters go through. Love is not enough, otherwise, I would never have needed to write this.
