Hello Everyone,
Sorry I just sort of disappeared from the forum. A quick recap for those of you who may not know my story:
I was in a long term long distance relationship w/a woman in the Army. Shortly after she returned from Iraq last June she was diagnosed with PTSD. It was a struggle from the beginning, but in general, she was still a loving, caring person who I knew I wanted to be with, through thick and thin. Throughout the summer we saw each other about every 2-3 weeks, and in late September/early October she stayed with me (in what we considered "our apartment") for over three weeks recovering from shoulder surgery. She had trouble sleeping, she was jumpy and couldn't be around large crowds, but in general, in private, she was the same woman I fell in love with. However, in October after I had to take her back to her base things suddenly changed drastically, she was suicidal, she was mean, she cheated on me, she hung up the phone on me. She blamed me leaving her there in Colorado and going back to my life in Iowa for her suicidal tendencies. She has been in and out of either psych wards due to suicide attempts or treatment programs for PTSD since mid-October.
I tried my hardest to support her and love her and give her space but also be there whenever she wanted, I tried to listen and send her presents, I did therapy with her over the phone with her therapist, I updated her family on her condition, I tried to mediate between her and her sister. I tried. However, she just got worse. She hated herself, and she couldn't shake the suicidal tendencies. She got progressively more emotionally and verbally abusive to me. It was like a roller coaster--once every 8 calls or so, she'd feel like my girlfriend, she'd listen to me. The other 88 percent of the time, I had no idea who she was. That one call every so often gave me hope that I might be able to continue a relationship. But she just couldn't sustain a healthy relationship, she didn't know herself or love herself nearly enough.
Eventually I came to resent her--I felt like she didn't understand how hard it was to support her emotionally, I felt like she didn't know who I was anymore as I hadn't told her anything about myself for nearly all of October or November or December. I couldn't do it anymore, it wasn't a healthy relationship for me, and I broke up with her a million times. The problem was, due to the PTSD and medicine issues she couldn't remember that I was breaking up with her, and she'd call me the next day like we were still dating, and I'd break up with her again. I broke her heart like every other day for a month. Finally, I just had to stop answering the phone when she called. I haven't spoken to her on a regular basis since Christmas.
She called me the other day and I was on the phone with someone else and was expecting a call and I flashed over. She just yelled at me and told me I made her the way she is, I should have stayed with her, I destroyed her concept of home and family, she has nothing, no friends, and she has tried to kill herself twice over me. This is the person she has become. I can't do it anymore.
This has been the hardest decision of my life. And I do not want to discount the suffering that people with PTSD go through--it is intense, and consuming, and she probably gave me the most she could considering the circumstances. Her "most" just wasn't enough for me. It has been incredibly hard for me to realize this in a healthy way, without overwhelming guilt, without extreme worry over her current well being. Through therapy I've realized that for me, I made the right decisions.
I guess I just want to say, carers: if you're wondering if you're being codependent, if you're enabling--you probably are. If you feel like you should leave, you probably should. PTSD is not an excuse to treat your partner like crap, and that's what she used it as. Don't let your partner do that to you. You deserve someone who can handle you telling them that you love them, who can call you back if you call them, who won't cheat on you or be physically or verbally abusive. PTSD sufferers all have the ability to do that. Don't let them use their disorder as an excuse to treat you terribly, and don't stay in an abusive relationship. I've learned that love is (very sadly) not enough, at least for me. I just couldn't stay and wait for her to get stable. I couldn't see myself ever being comfortable having kids with her after all her outbursts and suicide attempts. I saw the future disappear. I am not at all saying that her struggle wasn't valid, but I just didn't need to be treated like she treated me. You don't have to let someone treat you terribly, either. If you're wondering if you should get out, you probably should.
I hope this isn't offensive, and I don't mean it as a blanket statement against having relationships with people with PTSD. Of course, it varies from relationship to relationship, person to person. But I'm the kind of person who needs to be able to talk to their partner twice a week, who needs to know that if I want to talk about something that happened in my day, my partner will be there. I'm the kind of person who needs some physical contact every once in a while. I'm the kind of person who needs to be able to trust that my partner won't kill themselves, won't cheat on me. Some of the stuff I've read on here made me feel extremely guilty for needing those things, made me feel like I was lacking some sort of self knowledge or confidence for needing those things. I'm not. Those are normal needs. Don't abandon what you know you need out of guilt for abandoning your partner. You cannot build any sort of relationship on guilt or pity.
In closing, (and sorry this is so long), I just wanted to say thank you. Almost everyone I spoke with on here privately and responded to my posts on the forum really, really helped me get through a really tough time. I do not mean my post to be derogative of the forum, I think it is excellently run and has tons of information. I am continuing to try and bring awareness to PTSD, especially how the military treats PTSD sufferers, and I think without the knowledge this forum provided me and the realization of how many people PTSD touches, I wouldn't be doing that. I will continue to check this every once in a while, just because I feel like my experience might help others. In general though, I've moved on with my life, so I'll not post super often. Feel free to private message me with any personal questions. Thanks again everyone.
Sorry I just sort of disappeared from the forum. A quick recap for those of you who may not know my story:
I was in a long term long distance relationship w/a woman in the Army. Shortly after she returned from Iraq last June she was diagnosed with PTSD. It was a struggle from the beginning, but in general, she was still a loving, caring person who I knew I wanted to be with, through thick and thin. Throughout the summer we saw each other about every 2-3 weeks, and in late September/early October she stayed with me (in what we considered "our apartment") for over three weeks recovering from shoulder surgery. She had trouble sleeping, she was jumpy and couldn't be around large crowds, but in general, in private, she was the same woman I fell in love with. However, in October after I had to take her back to her base things suddenly changed drastically, she was suicidal, she was mean, she cheated on me, she hung up the phone on me. She blamed me leaving her there in Colorado and going back to my life in Iowa for her suicidal tendencies. She has been in and out of either psych wards due to suicide attempts or treatment programs for PTSD since mid-October.
I tried my hardest to support her and love her and give her space but also be there whenever she wanted, I tried to listen and send her presents, I did therapy with her over the phone with her therapist, I updated her family on her condition, I tried to mediate between her and her sister. I tried. However, she just got worse. She hated herself, and she couldn't shake the suicidal tendencies. She got progressively more emotionally and verbally abusive to me. It was like a roller coaster--once every 8 calls or so, she'd feel like my girlfriend, she'd listen to me. The other 88 percent of the time, I had no idea who she was. That one call every so often gave me hope that I might be able to continue a relationship. But she just couldn't sustain a healthy relationship, she didn't know herself or love herself nearly enough.
Eventually I came to resent her--I felt like she didn't understand how hard it was to support her emotionally, I felt like she didn't know who I was anymore as I hadn't told her anything about myself for nearly all of October or November or December. I couldn't do it anymore, it wasn't a healthy relationship for me, and I broke up with her a million times. The problem was, due to the PTSD and medicine issues she couldn't remember that I was breaking up with her, and she'd call me the next day like we were still dating, and I'd break up with her again. I broke her heart like every other day for a month. Finally, I just had to stop answering the phone when she called. I haven't spoken to her on a regular basis since Christmas.
She called me the other day and I was on the phone with someone else and was expecting a call and I flashed over. She just yelled at me and told me I made her the way she is, I should have stayed with her, I destroyed her concept of home and family, she has nothing, no friends, and she has tried to kill herself twice over me. This is the person she has become. I can't do it anymore.
This has been the hardest decision of my life. And I do not want to discount the suffering that people with PTSD go through--it is intense, and consuming, and she probably gave me the most she could considering the circumstances. Her "most" just wasn't enough for me. It has been incredibly hard for me to realize this in a healthy way, without overwhelming guilt, without extreme worry over her current well being. Through therapy I've realized that for me, I made the right decisions.
I guess I just want to say, carers: if you're wondering if you're being codependent, if you're enabling--you probably are. If you feel like you should leave, you probably should. PTSD is not an excuse to treat your partner like crap, and that's what she used it as. Don't let your partner do that to you. You deserve someone who can handle you telling them that you love them, who can call you back if you call them, who won't cheat on you or be physically or verbally abusive. PTSD sufferers all have the ability to do that. Don't let them use their disorder as an excuse to treat you terribly, and don't stay in an abusive relationship. I've learned that love is (very sadly) not enough, at least for me. I just couldn't stay and wait for her to get stable. I couldn't see myself ever being comfortable having kids with her after all her outbursts and suicide attempts. I saw the future disappear. I am not at all saying that her struggle wasn't valid, but I just didn't need to be treated like she treated me. You don't have to let someone treat you terribly, either. If you're wondering if you should get out, you probably should.
I hope this isn't offensive, and I don't mean it as a blanket statement against having relationships with people with PTSD. Of course, it varies from relationship to relationship, person to person. But I'm the kind of person who needs to be able to talk to their partner twice a week, who needs to know that if I want to talk about something that happened in my day, my partner will be there. I'm the kind of person who needs some physical contact every once in a while. I'm the kind of person who needs to be able to trust that my partner won't kill themselves, won't cheat on me. Some of the stuff I've read on here made me feel extremely guilty for needing those things, made me feel like I was lacking some sort of self knowledge or confidence for needing those things. I'm not. Those are normal needs. Don't abandon what you know you need out of guilt for abandoning your partner. You cannot build any sort of relationship on guilt or pity.
In closing, (and sorry this is so long), I just wanted to say thank you. Almost everyone I spoke with on here privately and responded to my posts on the forum really, really helped me get through a really tough time. I do not mean my post to be derogative of the forum, I think it is excellently run and has tons of information. I am continuing to try and bring awareness to PTSD, especially how the military treats PTSD sufferers, and I think without the knowledge this forum provided me and the realization of how many people PTSD touches, I wouldn't be doing that. I will continue to check this every once in a while, just because I feel like my experience might help others. In general though, I've moved on with my life, so I'll not post super often. Feel free to private message me with any personal questions. Thanks again everyone.
