Hi,
I hope it is appropriate to use this forum as i never did use a forum before. Possible refer me to the right place if i made a mistake. But I am sure you'll agree that this story is related with PTSD.
I look for support to make sense out of a complex relationship involving both emotional and at times sexual abuse. It is a long complicated story. I try to give a short version below. I will first give a general overview and come to the point of my search for support at the end.
The past months i have spend many hours listening to a woman relating stories of her complicated relationship with a man. I will call him X.
The story started two years ago. After their initial meeting they met only another three times for three or four days maximum. They always stayed in hotels. Their relationship went mostly through the electronic ways, as X is working in another continent and is on the road for 'my very important job'.
Despite the geographical distance, through her stories I soon learned she has been emotionally abused for over two years, mostly through the electronic ways. But it did not remain to emotional abuse with subtle manipulative messages using blame and anger to control her.
I also discovered she has been sexually abused by X. During the past months she told me two stories where she was forced to have sex.
The first time was during their third meeting. The last night she had fallen asleep after a fight with him. She suddenly woke up with him inside of her. She was startled and numbed. X said ''I love you''.
Some months later X used anger and blame to force her to have sex with him through cyberspace using webcams.
Possible there are more stories, as I discovered a third story recently (read further).
What i learned is that during these two years X systematically contacted her by phone, SMS, skype and MSM. X also made it a habit to buy airline tickets for him to visit her without her prior consent. He even bought her a ticket to visit him, but she never boarded the plane. At times he would call twenty times a day. Is this behavior stalking? I thnk it is, though she does not recognize this as stalking. Why?
Through their hour-long dialogues, mostly over the internet, X made her believe this is true love and it is their destiny to be together. Last year she even broke up with her partner, gave up everything to give a relationship with X a trial. But their relationship did not work, as his work is the most important in his life, and second comes a grown-up daughter. She came third, for some time together with another woman.
He did not see the problem why she was complaining. She had to focus on useful things. Did not see all the efforts he made to be with her on the phone in the middle of the night. Etc etc He made her believe that it did not work for them because she was not trying hard enough to make their relationship work. And through anger and blame he was able to control her for most of the time. How many times did she tell me during the first months: ''it's all my fault'', while on the other hand she says ''nobody has ever hurt me as much as X did''.
Through reading ''It's my live now: starting over after an abusive relationship or domestic violence'' i discovered traumatic bonding (pages 13 - 15). The piece on traumatic bonding, which she initially showed me, and this excellent book in general, helped me a lot to understand why she got so attached to the man man who abused her for two years.
She actually still deeply cares for X and often wonders if she will not regret the break-up she asked and to which he agreed a couple of months ago. She told me once she was waiting ''for him to set me free''. It was indeed impossible for her to conceive a break up with X without his consent.
As she told me bits and pieces of the story so i could connect dots, all this time i also understood that she initially fell madly in love with X while at an international conference where they met. Far away from home. She was the young inexperienced woman excited to go to such a conference. She was committed in a happy relationship with a life-partner. She lived together with her lovely boyfriend for several years when she met X. Life was beautiful and peaceful. Everything changed when she met X.
X is a grown-up adult and has a very good and important position and professional reputation.
During the conference she had become friends with X and enjoyed his company. X is also a very charming, gentle and interesting person.
Unfortunately there have been rumors for years that X is a serial seducer and has a problem with his dealings with women.
During the first days of the conference she had several other guys hitting on her for a fling. She felt annoyed and hurted. But when she met X she thought he was different and she even shared her horrible experience of these guys trying to seduce her the previous days. She felt safe with X. She was not aware of him being a womanizer till very recently. She often asked me ''Why did nobody warn me?''
It was only after the conference, when she got back home, that ''I only met his evil twin brother. I was desperately in love with X but never met the nice sensitive gentle man again. The man who held my hand and who was juggling with snowballs''.
Two weeks after the initial meeting she tried to break-up with X as she was committed. His response? X told her he was also committed to another woman, but loved her too. X did not see a problem. It could be a win-win situation. She was heart-broken.
A month later X travelled to her home-town. She did not want him to come, but X came anyway. They met and she was floating again. The world looked so different with him. ''I had never felt like this before. I felt so much in love''
Since that last visit they have met another two times. Each time X traveled long ways to her home-town. The last time X announced he bought the plane-ticket (again) without her prior consent. She asked him again not to come, but he did come. She accepted and saw it as her chance to ask for a break-up. She owed it to X to talk to him in person, she could not break-up by mail or phone. X agreed with the break-up, though the story is not finished as you will read further.
Strangely enough, she continues to deeply care and love X. She also has pity and feels sorry for him. Although she has spend many hours explaining me what she lived through with him, showed me abusive messages he mailed her or quoted him at length. She read several books about emotional abuse and tells me about some difficult sexual experiences where I immediately recognized abuse. She doubts and asks if she might tell me bad things about him. And she adds: ''May'be I am going crazy?''. She often goes back to this world where he is the person she fell so deeply in love with. An image of a gentle man juggling with snowballs. She cries when she realizes this image will not return and in the past. It is as if she is numbed, and her eyes are still shut. It is as if she is walking in a mist. Blinded.
But her body is speaking. The past months she has chronic pain in her neck, shoulders and back. She has regular headaches and often very tired. I saw her faint or go numb several times as she related stories about X. Or at times she jumps out of her skin when the phone rings or an SMS arrives.
After the first meeting, back home, she cried for months, every day and night. She had dreams about him every night. She could not forget him. Her partner of course got angry when he found out that she was different after she came home. And he found out she was hiding something for him and cheated on him with this X calling again and again. He could not handle it. He did not know what to do when another phonecall from X came in. X was hardly mentioned anymore in their relationship. But she could not forget him, especially as X continued to contact her and tell her that they were meant to be together.
She broke-up with her boyfriend and gave X a trial. But after their third short encounter it did not really look well. The relationship with X continued for months over the internet and by phone. And even the recent break-up does not stop X from contacting her, and to still consider her as ''my girlfriend''.
Now, coming to the part of the story which puzzels me, but which also added an important part in these puzzling events.
It was only a couple of weeks ago that she finally told me about their first sexual intercourse. It happend during their first meeting two years ago.
After spending some time with him as a new friend, for a second time X took her to an office to which he had access late in the evening. They were alone. X invited her to the office to show her articles and books about his important work. Of course she felt safe in this environment.
As they were kissing, something X initiated, he invited her several times to go to a hotel room with him. She countered every new proposal as she felt committed to her partner. She had told him she was committed but he did not seem to bother. ''I started to realize that he was dating me''. Even after X stated that ''nothing has to happen and we could just sleep next to each other'' she refused to go to a hotel with him. As it was getting late she repeated that she wanted to go back home as she was tired. X agreed ''Okay, let's go''.
However, as they were kissing again before leaving, and she was leaning on a desk, she suddenly realized X had swiftly taken off her trousers far enough to quickly push his way inside of her. ''He was suddenly inside of me!''. She says it all went all very fast. In less than a minute he pulled out his penis, and ejaculated on the office floor.
She clearly felt taken off-guard, and was overwhelmed during this not longer than a minute intercourse. She was confused, did not feel any pleasure, but wondered startled: ''what am i doing? he is not using a condom? what about my partner? what is happening? ...''. No, she did not scream and shout and push him away.
As X had ejaculated he said ''I am sorry, i got carried away''. As she related this story she said ''I guess i wanted it'', ''I wanted it'' or ''i think i wanted it, right?''. She thought that he was sorry for having ejaculated this fast. Was it the denial of what really happened which set in her mind?
No surprise that after this first sexual intercourse with X she felt ashamed, embarrased, guilty, anxious, ... and mostly confused. A new friend she trusted had suddenly pushed his way inside of her. ''I never had imagined i would have sex with anyone else than my partner. I was not interested in other men''.
I guess most, if not all of you reading this, will think that X violated her as she had set her boundaries. Or was kissing an invitation to find herself suddenly with his penis inside of her? She admits that she felt sexually aroused with the kissing, but states clearly that she was not thinking about sex with him. Nor did she have any sexual fantasies. Others might therefore use the word rape, or date rape (without the use of drugs), but by creating a safe & intimate environment to take her off-guard.
But she had no time to let these events sink in. As she woke up the next morning alone in her room she found an SMS message from X that he had booked a room for them. She wondered what he was planning? She was not planning to accept the invitation, and kept her room.
But she also felt that she had created expectations. 'We had a relationship, right?'. She already owed him. I have the impression that through his quick job he had taken control over her body and sexuality. Had he succeeded in making her feel that he owned her, that he had taken control?
She does not remember anything yet of what happened during the day after the office incident. Except that X was waiting for her in the evening at the time he had told her by SMS. He took her for a romantic walk and a dinner in a restaurant with her preferred foods. She felt as if she was floating. After the dinner he invited her to his room to watch some video's. Before she realized they were kissing again, and had sex again and again and again. She stayed with him for the next three nights.
The past months she mentioned several times that she wanted to cut it off. She means his penis! When I asked her if it was because of his great sexual performance or because of the sexual abuse, she answered that it was because of the best-sex-ever she had with him.
On one hand she describes these moments where she was outside of her body and she was seeing herself having sex with him. Something i discovered is called dissociation, a survival mechanism after a traumatic event.
On the other hand, last night, she told me, this was really the best sex ever. ''X put the right light, the right music, he cared for me, would look deep into my eyes, ... and we would lay together for hours and make love. I discovered i knew nothing about sex before this''.
After the conference, on her way home, she had fever and she felt outside of her body and interpreted this as being deeply in love with him: ''I had never experienced such love'' or ''I felt a spiritual connection with him'' or ''I felt really one with him''. Also during his first visit to her home-town she felt the sex was amazing. But X changed afterwards and it was not as good during the next visits.
I started searching the internet to try to understand if this is amazing sexual experience can also be a survival mechanism? Can one experience sex with her abuser as 'the best-ever' as a coping tactic? Is there any literature about this phenomenon? Or is possible that he is a great sexual lover? Or possible both? What are the best way to move this forward?
I am also left with my insecurity about my sexuality. I feel troubled, though i also see what she shared as an opportunity to continue to grow for me and for us.
I feel startled and confused. I am searching for feed-back and advise as I really care for her.
And to be complete I would like to add some information about myself.
I am deeply involved -since almost half a year- with her. She made a very timid attempt to tell X about our relationship during one of their internet chats at the start of our relationship. A time he considered her as ''my girlfriend''. After he got angry for months she was hiding me from him, as ''X will get very angry if he knows about us and he will never agree to a break-up''.
During his last visit two months ago she asked me to leave her alone and remain invisible. She wanted to deal with him in her way: ''I know him best''. When asked she told me that she would have sex with him if he would get angry. When she saw my distress she added angrily ''But what if i am willing to have sex with him?''. She also told me she planned to break-up with him. It honestly did not make sense at the time. And for me it became one if not the most horrible weekend ever. I could not help but imagine her having sex with X. Being abused. I could not make sense that one would have sex with someone you plan to break-up with. Or be raped again.
For the past months i consciously avoided the subject with her, as i felt too much pain and fear to learn about what might have happened between them sexually during that weekend. I preferred not to know, and focus on the fact that she succeeded with the break-up. Today I feel safe enough with her to find out.
Today I do understand that she needed to be nice with him so that he would not get angry. Anger is what he used to control her. So they had a lovely weekend and he agreed with the break-up. Since last month i live with her. I deeply love her and I got to trust her again.
X continues to contact her almost every day by phone and/or E-mail where he starts mostly with: ''Hi honey'' as if she is still his girlfriend. Initially he blamed her for eveything what went wrong, untill she finally told him to stop. She also told him about me. Now that he knows about me, X hates me. I put thoughts in her mind according to X. And of course X blames the break-up on me. She is afraid of X. But she also has pity. X makes her doubt if he is not the true love.
She tells me it helps her to talk with X, to understand that it could never have worked between them. I trust her, but wonder if it would not be best for her to stop the contact with X for her healing process? I asked her, but she is very attached to X and wants to talk to him.
Finally, I discovered recently that I suffer from PTSD after a mobbing experience I had last year at work. I also realize that I have possible PTSD following a recent knife attack by thiefs (i was not physically hurt) ... and possible even from my childhood as my father was violent and my mother was emotionally abusive. I am not sure if that horrible weekend where my love was with him left me with PTSD. I am aware it was a traumatic experience to know that my girlfriend making love with X.
Thank you for giving me the space to share this difficult story. It is a relief and i look forward to feed-back and hints to move this forward.
I hope it is appropriate to use this forum as i never did use a forum before. Possible refer me to the right place if i made a mistake. But I am sure you'll agree that this story is related with PTSD.
I look for support to make sense out of a complex relationship involving both emotional and at times sexual abuse. It is a long complicated story. I try to give a short version below. I will first give a general overview and come to the point of my search for support at the end.
The past months i have spend many hours listening to a woman relating stories of her complicated relationship with a man. I will call him X.
The story started two years ago. After their initial meeting they met only another three times for three or four days maximum. They always stayed in hotels. Their relationship went mostly through the electronic ways, as X is working in another continent and is on the road for 'my very important job'.
Despite the geographical distance, through her stories I soon learned she has been emotionally abused for over two years, mostly through the electronic ways. But it did not remain to emotional abuse with subtle manipulative messages using blame and anger to control her.
I also discovered she has been sexually abused by X. During the past months she told me two stories where she was forced to have sex.
The first time was during their third meeting. The last night she had fallen asleep after a fight with him. She suddenly woke up with him inside of her. She was startled and numbed. X said ''I love you''.
Some months later X used anger and blame to force her to have sex with him through cyberspace using webcams.
Possible there are more stories, as I discovered a third story recently (read further).
What i learned is that during these two years X systematically contacted her by phone, SMS, skype and MSM. X also made it a habit to buy airline tickets for him to visit her without her prior consent. He even bought her a ticket to visit him, but she never boarded the plane. At times he would call twenty times a day. Is this behavior stalking? I thnk it is, though she does not recognize this as stalking. Why?
Through their hour-long dialogues, mostly over the internet, X made her believe this is true love and it is their destiny to be together. Last year she even broke up with her partner, gave up everything to give a relationship with X a trial. But their relationship did not work, as his work is the most important in his life, and second comes a grown-up daughter. She came third, for some time together with another woman.
He did not see the problem why she was complaining. She had to focus on useful things. Did not see all the efforts he made to be with her on the phone in the middle of the night. Etc etc He made her believe that it did not work for them because she was not trying hard enough to make their relationship work. And through anger and blame he was able to control her for most of the time. How many times did she tell me during the first months: ''it's all my fault'', while on the other hand she says ''nobody has ever hurt me as much as X did''.
Through reading ''It's my live now: starting over after an abusive relationship or domestic violence'' i discovered traumatic bonding (pages 13 - 15). The piece on traumatic bonding, which she initially showed me, and this excellent book in general, helped me a lot to understand why she got so attached to the man man who abused her for two years.
She actually still deeply cares for X and often wonders if she will not regret the break-up she asked and to which he agreed a couple of months ago. She told me once she was waiting ''for him to set me free''. It was indeed impossible for her to conceive a break up with X without his consent.
As she told me bits and pieces of the story so i could connect dots, all this time i also understood that she initially fell madly in love with X while at an international conference where they met. Far away from home. She was the young inexperienced woman excited to go to such a conference. She was committed in a happy relationship with a life-partner. She lived together with her lovely boyfriend for several years when she met X. Life was beautiful and peaceful. Everything changed when she met X.
X is a grown-up adult and has a very good and important position and professional reputation.
During the conference she had become friends with X and enjoyed his company. X is also a very charming, gentle and interesting person.
Unfortunately there have been rumors for years that X is a serial seducer and has a problem with his dealings with women.
During the first days of the conference she had several other guys hitting on her for a fling. She felt annoyed and hurted. But when she met X she thought he was different and she even shared her horrible experience of these guys trying to seduce her the previous days. She felt safe with X. She was not aware of him being a womanizer till very recently. She often asked me ''Why did nobody warn me?''
It was only after the conference, when she got back home, that ''I only met his evil twin brother. I was desperately in love with X but never met the nice sensitive gentle man again. The man who held my hand and who was juggling with snowballs''.
Two weeks after the initial meeting she tried to break-up with X as she was committed. His response? X told her he was also committed to another woman, but loved her too. X did not see a problem. It could be a win-win situation. She was heart-broken.
A month later X travelled to her home-town. She did not want him to come, but X came anyway. They met and she was floating again. The world looked so different with him. ''I had never felt like this before. I felt so much in love''
Since that last visit they have met another two times. Each time X traveled long ways to her home-town. The last time X announced he bought the plane-ticket (again) without her prior consent. She asked him again not to come, but he did come. She accepted and saw it as her chance to ask for a break-up. She owed it to X to talk to him in person, she could not break-up by mail or phone. X agreed with the break-up, though the story is not finished as you will read further.
Strangely enough, she continues to deeply care and love X. She also has pity and feels sorry for him. Although she has spend many hours explaining me what she lived through with him, showed me abusive messages he mailed her or quoted him at length. She read several books about emotional abuse and tells me about some difficult sexual experiences where I immediately recognized abuse. She doubts and asks if she might tell me bad things about him. And she adds: ''May'be I am going crazy?''. She often goes back to this world where he is the person she fell so deeply in love with. An image of a gentle man juggling with snowballs. She cries when she realizes this image will not return and in the past. It is as if she is numbed, and her eyes are still shut. It is as if she is walking in a mist. Blinded.
But her body is speaking. The past months she has chronic pain in her neck, shoulders and back. She has regular headaches and often very tired. I saw her faint or go numb several times as she related stories about X. Or at times she jumps out of her skin when the phone rings or an SMS arrives.
After the first meeting, back home, she cried for months, every day and night. She had dreams about him every night. She could not forget him. Her partner of course got angry when he found out that she was different after she came home. And he found out she was hiding something for him and cheated on him with this X calling again and again. He could not handle it. He did not know what to do when another phonecall from X came in. X was hardly mentioned anymore in their relationship. But she could not forget him, especially as X continued to contact her and tell her that they were meant to be together.
She broke-up with her boyfriend and gave X a trial. But after their third short encounter it did not really look well. The relationship with X continued for months over the internet and by phone. And even the recent break-up does not stop X from contacting her, and to still consider her as ''my girlfriend''.
Now, coming to the part of the story which puzzels me, but which also added an important part in these puzzling events.
It was only a couple of weeks ago that she finally told me about their first sexual intercourse. It happend during their first meeting two years ago.
After spending some time with him as a new friend, for a second time X took her to an office to which he had access late in the evening. They were alone. X invited her to the office to show her articles and books about his important work. Of course she felt safe in this environment.
As they were kissing, something X initiated, he invited her several times to go to a hotel room with him. She countered every new proposal as she felt committed to her partner. She had told him she was committed but he did not seem to bother. ''I started to realize that he was dating me''. Even after X stated that ''nothing has to happen and we could just sleep next to each other'' she refused to go to a hotel with him. As it was getting late she repeated that she wanted to go back home as she was tired. X agreed ''Okay, let's go''.
However, as they were kissing again before leaving, and she was leaning on a desk, she suddenly realized X had swiftly taken off her trousers far enough to quickly push his way inside of her. ''He was suddenly inside of me!''. She says it all went all very fast. In less than a minute he pulled out his penis, and ejaculated on the office floor.
She clearly felt taken off-guard, and was overwhelmed during this not longer than a minute intercourse. She was confused, did not feel any pleasure, but wondered startled: ''what am i doing? he is not using a condom? what about my partner? what is happening? ...''. No, she did not scream and shout and push him away.
As X had ejaculated he said ''I am sorry, i got carried away''. As she related this story she said ''I guess i wanted it'', ''I wanted it'' or ''i think i wanted it, right?''. She thought that he was sorry for having ejaculated this fast. Was it the denial of what really happened which set in her mind?
No surprise that after this first sexual intercourse with X she felt ashamed, embarrased, guilty, anxious, ... and mostly confused. A new friend she trusted had suddenly pushed his way inside of her. ''I never had imagined i would have sex with anyone else than my partner. I was not interested in other men''.
I guess most, if not all of you reading this, will think that X violated her as she had set her boundaries. Or was kissing an invitation to find herself suddenly with his penis inside of her? She admits that she felt sexually aroused with the kissing, but states clearly that she was not thinking about sex with him. Nor did she have any sexual fantasies. Others might therefore use the word rape, or date rape (without the use of drugs), but by creating a safe & intimate environment to take her off-guard.
But she had no time to let these events sink in. As she woke up the next morning alone in her room she found an SMS message from X that he had booked a room for them. She wondered what he was planning? She was not planning to accept the invitation, and kept her room.
But she also felt that she had created expectations. 'We had a relationship, right?'. She already owed him. I have the impression that through his quick job he had taken control over her body and sexuality. Had he succeeded in making her feel that he owned her, that he had taken control?
She does not remember anything yet of what happened during the day after the office incident. Except that X was waiting for her in the evening at the time he had told her by SMS. He took her for a romantic walk and a dinner in a restaurant with her preferred foods. She felt as if she was floating. After the dinner he invited her to his room to watch some video's. Before she realized they were kissing again, and had sex again and again and again. She stayed with him for the next three nights.
The past months she mentioned several times that she wanted to cut it off. She means his penis! When I asked her if it was because of his great sexual performance or because of the sexual abuse, she answered that it was because of the best-sex-ever she had with him.
On one hand she describes these moments where she was outside of her body and she was seeing herself having sex with him. Something i discovered is called dissociation, a survival mechanism after a traumatic event.
On the other hand, last night, she told me, this was really the best sex ever. ''X put the right light, the right music, he cared for me, would look deep into my eyes, ... and we would lay together for hours and make love. I discovered i knew nothing about sex before this''.
After the conference, on her way home, she had fever and she felt outside of her body and interpreted this as being deeply in love with him: ''I had never experienced such love'' or ''I felt a spiritual connection with him'' or ''I felt really one with him''. Also during his first visit to her home-town she felt the sex was amazing. But X changed afterwards and it was not as good during the next visits.
I started searching the internet to try to understand if this is amazing sexual experience can also be a survival mechanism? Can one experience sex with her abuser as 'the best-ever' as a coping tactic? Is there any literature about this phenomenon? Or is possible that he is a great sexual lover? Or possible both? What are the best way to move this forward?
I am also left with my insecurity about my sexuality. I feel troubled, though i also see what she shared as an opportunity to continue to grow for me and for us.
I feel startled and confused. I am searching for feed-back and advise as I really care for her.
And to be complete I would like to add some information about myself.
I am deeply involved -since almost half a year- with her. She made a very timid attempt to tell X about our relationship during one of their internet chats at the start of our relationship. A time he considered her as ''my girlfriend''. After he got angry for months she was hiding me from him, as ''X will get very angry if he knows about us and he will never agree to a break-up''.
During his last visit two months ago she asked me to leave her alone and remain invisible. She wanted to deal with him in her way: ''I know him best''. When asked she told me that she would have sex with him if he would get angry. When she saw my distress she added angrily ''But what if i am willing to have sex with him?''. She also told me she planned to break-up with him. It honestly did not make sense at the time. And for me it became one if not the most horrible weekend ever. I could not help but imagine her having sex with X. Being abused. I could not make sense that one would have sex with someone you plan to break-up with. Or be raped again.
For the past months i consciously avoided the subject with her, as i felt too much pain and fear to learn about what might have happened between them sexually during that weekend. I preferred not to know, and focus on the fact that she succeeded with the break-up. Today I feel safe enough with her to find out.
Today I do understand that she needed to be nice with him so that he would not get angry. Anger is what he used to control her. So they had a lovely weekend and he agreed with the break-up. Since last month i live with her. I deeply love her and I got to trust her again.
X continues to contact her almost every day by phone and/or E-mail where he starts mostly with: ''Hi honey'' as if she is still his girlfriend. Initially he blamed her for eveything what went wrong, untill she finally told him to stop. She also told him about me. Now that he knows about me, X hates me. I put thoughts in her mind according to X. And of course X blames the break-up on me. She is afraid of X. But she also has pity. X makes her doubt if he is not the true love.
She tells me it helps her to talk with X, to understand that it could never have worked between them. I trust her, but wonder if it would not be best for her to stop the contact with X for her healing process? I asked her, but she is very attached to X and wants to talk to him.
Finally, I discovered recently that I suffer from PTSD after a mobbing experience I had last year at work. I also realize that I have possible PTSD following a recent knife attack by thiefs (i was not physically hurt) ... and possible even from my childhood as my father was violent and my mother was emotionally abusive. I am not sure if that horrible weekend where my love was with him left me with PTSD. I am aware it was a traumatic experience to know that my girlfriend making love with X.
Thank you for giving me the space to share this difficult story. It is a relief and i look forward to feed-back and hints to move this forward.
