Relationship Vet feeling unwell again. Ignore and live in a bubble?

[Never_falter2]

I am so sorry because I think I have talked about this topic multiple times.
I told you before how my vet was feeling unwell... like being afraid he might have a nervous breakdown and hurt himself... and how I decided just to ignore it... ignore is the wrong word... how I realized I cannot change it, you know what I mean?
So I decided to ignore and we decided to more hiking and going non-crowded places and so on and we decided to plan a big medieval menu and meanwhile we tried some medieval dishes and I really thought we were enjoying ourselves... but then last Friday Vet told me he wasn‘t feeling well again and I again it is the same problem with his job... but he did not want to talk about it again. So we went hiking the next day with the kids, Vet seemed to be happy but I was worried, later buddies of Vet came across and they wondered why I bossed him around (like telling him it was late at night, when I woke up around 0130 and they were still there). He has got trouble sleeping... and I actually think his buddies should care more for him because they do not know the full story but do know about his trouble sleeping.
For me that is complicated because he tells me he is not feeling well but then wants me to totally ignore it... and 99 percent of the time he is acting totally normal, but then he is still feeling very unwell.

 

[Sweetpea76]

For me that is complicated because he tells me he is not feeling well but then wants me to totally ignore it... and 99 percent of the time he is acting totally normal, but then he is still feeling very unwell.

It sounds like he doesn't want you to fix him. It sounds like he just wants you to listen. Maybe he is opening up more and sharing how he feels and you just weren't told before. That's a good thing if he's opening up. Just listen and don't worry about taking on the responsibility of fixing him. Honestly, you cannot fix any of this.. no matter what you do. It's impossible. All you can do is support.

 

[Never_falter2]

It is difficult to me to just do nothing when I know that there is a problem and I do not know what the future may bring. This is actually the worst for me that I fear the future. ?

 

[Hojay]

I get where you’re coming from. It’s incredibly frustrating when they say how unwell they are feeling and then have to sit around and watch them do absolutely nothing about it. It can make you feel very powerless. Only thing worse? Having them not tell you how they’re feeling and having to guess and read tea leaves about their condition. The only thing that has helped me with this frustration is loving detachment; caring for him, but not being attached to how the problem should be solved. I guess that’s one of the differences between support and codependence. But yes, it’s difficult and I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been on the tip of my tongue to say “stop whining if you’re not going to help yourself! I don’t want to hear it! Only time you get to whine is if he talk about solutions while we’re at it!”

Oh, and my guy has this wonderful habit of saying he’s “not feeling great” without specifying. Physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Since when? How does it manifest? Anything? Nope, doesn’t want to specify. Makes for great conversations where I literally have no idea what to say because I don’t know what the hell is even going on. Fun times.

 

[Never_falter2]

Exactly this. It is not only him by the way. It is also other people in my life who just for the record do not have ptsd... but complain about something in their life... their marriage... their financial situation... whatever and do exactly nothing to fix it, just nothing... and you tell them how they might solve the problem a little bit and they just go “No... but I cannot do that“. Are people just like this or do I attract that kind of person?
I have a buddy (how is a female buddy called in English again? A Freundin?) whose boyfriend is just the most useless person, mostly lives on her money, calls her fat, leaves his trash laying all around the house. She wonders why he does this, well because she let‘s him do it. She is much more educated (and also smarter) than him. She wonders why he does not respect her. Well, how should he respect her? She does not demand respect from him. He may not be smart or educated but this is the one thing a man like him will always understand: people who do demand any respect do not get any respect. Well I told her this a while ago and she has been mad at me ever since. Sorry, very much off topic... but I am like this... when people tell me about a problem I try to fix it and people get mad at me for this. Which I think is very unfair, because I think long and hard about a solution to their problem and it is okay to tell me it does not work like this but why be annoyed at me. Pfff, “Undank ist der Welten Lohn“.??

I keep telling Vet he does not need to work in that job but he wants to. Vet is a bit annoyed I want to solve his problems.

I am happy Vet is turning to me... and I told him so. I do not want him to be sad and all alone and I do hope he feels a little better and less alone after talking to me... but then what do I do with my knowledge when there is no way how I can help. At least this what he tells me. I must try to forget and try to enter my little bubble again and this feels so difficult. I do hope I could help at least a bit by listening.

 

[Hojay]

Your frustration resonates a lot @Never_falter. I’m also a fixer by nature. I can’t stand seeing other people in pain or stuck in situations an outside perspective could help. It doesn’t help that people also come to me for advice, so something about my “fixing” must have worked for them.

It wasn’t until I started seeing my current guy, however, that I understood how presumptuous my fixing has been in the past. I realized that I don’t have all the answers, my version of how things ought to be isn’t the only one, and unless I have specific experience with a certain situation, I better stop acting like I know how it should be solved. When I do, I can speak from experience. E.g. “what helped me when xyz happened was...” Beyond that, I just have to let go. I can speak my mind (phrasing my thoughts not as gospel, but an option,) and anything that comes after is beyond my control. Because really, that’s what it’s all about: control and trying to steer situations into directions that make me feel like i have control. That’s an illusion, of course, as we can see. People will do or not do what they want. Surrendering to that fact is a much better place to live in than micro managing it all.

 

[Never_falter2]

Yeah, but Vet is so sometimes so plain stupid... he is actually smart but acts stupid... hard to believe how stupid he can be.?
Probably I am a snob *lol* but he is so stupid. ??Stupid man.

Not stupid like “low IQ“, but stupid like “likes to make his life complicated“, know?