Relationship Vet Fiance Had A Horrible Ptsd Month

[Keepingthefaith5]

I'm at a lost for words. I know my vet had a terrible month-flashbacks, dissociation, not taking his meds bc the VA messed up, horrible nightmares, flashbacks. I have been with him through thick and thin, deployments, health issues, suicidal tendencies, life issues etc. I started nothing different changes in his behavior. His anger and rage started coming out, he was different, i have been here before in the past with is PTSD. We are not a new relationship. This time I found out he's been talking to other women, one of them actually are/were dating. I asked him about it, and he's denying it. What has me confused is that cheating its not in his nature. I am currently calm and I am trying to rationalize everything.

I know the ugliness of PTSD from other couples, I know what it can do to the mind. He hasn't been mentally or emotionally stable. I am very supportive of him. I spoke to the other woman that apparently went on dates with him. She is so manipulative and even threatened to kill me. I am wondering that maybe she took advantage of his weakness?

Any one on this thread, have been thru something similar? any advice?
He finally agreed to seek proper health treatment after I confronted him with this.

Please help.
Im trying to see the light in this all.

Keeping Faith

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Welcome to the boards! I hope that you find much help here!

 

[darrenS]

Im am so sorry to hear your going through this, please excuse me if im being open and honest with you , as i dont think there is any other way to deal with it. He is a grown man , i know its easy to point to the other person and look for reasons to blame , but he is a grown man and PTSD does not take away our ability to discern right from wrong. PTSD can also makes us at times emotionally/mentally unstable. The instability can also be masked in many ways, having an affair , whether emotionally or physically could be one of those. It naturally points to a bigger problem.

I am sorry you have had to confront the other party and have received threatening behaviour in return , is your husband aware of this ? and if so what was his reaction to it.

I know its comforting to rationalize and look for reasons as to why - but ptsd does not take away our ability to make choices, we may at times not make healthy choices, but we still make choices.

if i was to continue the marriage the first thing i would is set boundaries. One would be to seek regular therapy , another would be to set rules to ensure he dosent slip into this again, no talking with old girlfriends or other women unless your part of it - ie if he needs to be friendly with other women , then it must be done openly and in front of you and with you involved (im talking just friendship, not anything questionable)

I truly hope you can find some peace in all of this and wish you all the best in dealing with it

 

[Sweetpea76]

not taking his meds bc the VA messed up

Been there, done that. Sorry your vet is having such a rough time. Welcome to the forum.

 

[Ronin]

Hi, Keepingthefaith5, welcome to the forums.
As to your issue - I'd consider it maybe wasn't cheating. (Or eventually: that it isn't the cheating he'd recognize for cheating, because he wasn't having a relationship like the one with you... but something for entirely different reasons, and it may not click as 'affair' much less 'relationship').

So basically I'd start by talking with him about what he saw that woman as. It may be different from his perspective. I'm not saying it sucks less, or is less a betrayal of trust, etc, but - the harm may not have been intentional at all. Getting his point of view on this might be good - if for nothing else you'd understand him more.

 

[Sweetpea76]

This time I found out he's been talking to other women, one of them actually are/were dating. I asked him about it, and he's denying it. What has me confused is that cheating its not in his nature

he is a grown man and PTSD does not take away our ability to discern right from wrong

@darrenS makes a very important point that we as supporters have to learn. PTSD does not just shut off all control. He made a decision. He knows what he did, or he wouldn't be denying it.... cheating is still cheating whether he has PTSD or not. I know it sucks, especially when you know your vet is not doing well, but only you can decide whether you are alright with excusing cheating. Would you excuse it in a healthy partner?

 

[still_i_rise]

I am sorry you are going through this. :hug:

You are not alone. My husband carried on a online affair with a woman that was our friend (well, at least I thought she was a friend). It started off probably as him reaching out to a friend to talk about his PTSD. And then it moved into a sexual discussion. That's cheating in my book.

This other woman was manipulative and predatory. I shared what happened with a mutual friend it came to light that this was not her first time targeting a married man. She gets off on being the 'other woman' and appears to get an ego boost of being able to 'take' men from their wives. I am utterly disgusted and disappointed as I was friends with this woman and had even defended her to others back when we were close.

Her final words to my husband when he called it off with her was along the lines of "oh you're leaving me?!? Well I hope I don't one day read about you massacring a bunch of people."

He initially was in a mode of deflect and minimize. He even protected her and saw her as his 'saviour'. He was covering his butt to the point of having one of his vet friends that also suffers from PTSD call me up and explain to me that he himself has a 'flirty friendship' with a woman because he doesn't want to show his wife that he is weak. And that it happens often with people with PTSD. Bullshit!!

It's cheating. He's sharing an intimacy that is exclusive between me and him with another person. That's cheating. I don't care if they never touched. I don't care if they weren't in the same room when it happened. It's still cheating.

Your husband went on dates with another woman. I'm assuming he didn't tell you about them. The fact that he lied about them through omission indicates that he was fully aware that it was something he should not have been doing.

PTSD does not make people cheat on their partners.

My husband has had a hard month. He's waiting to get into a proper treatment centre. He just got back from a hospital stay for his PTSD. We haven't had much time to talk about his affair. That said,I've been firm and clear that his betrayal has caused me great pain and has deeply damaged our relationship. I am hoping to find some time this week to talk about boundaries and shore up both our understanding of what is cheating and what isn't. Like you, I never thought my husband would cheat. He's such great, sweet guy. I never thought I needed to have this talk with him but apparently I do. I would suggest you do the same.

Again, you are not alone. I empathize with your pain. I am glad to hear that he is going to seek medical attention. You might also want to talk to a therapist about what you're going through. Couples counselling might also be something you would want to pursue.

<3

 

[Keepingthefaith5]

Thank you all for the advice! What really startlets me is that cheating is not in his nature. He is a sweet, loving man, but the past few weeks he has not remorse, no empathy, no compassion. His Stares are blank. He went to VA and they put him on more pills that manages his ptsd ( any comments on that). He knows he hit rock bottom and the only way to go is up. I get flashes of the man that I feel in love with, followed by a zombie.


@still_i_rise

I'm so sorry you are going through it! Hugs! I know what you are feeling. He denies dating her or cheating and claims that they had a class last semester and worked on a project together. I started pressuring and questioning( women's intuition), and that's when he pulled away. she is such a manipulating slime it's disgusting. I'm disgusted. She is putting negative thoughts into his head about me. She isn't mentally stable and according to him she's bipolar and deals with a lot of health issues, which probably how they connected. The fact that he befriended such a manipulate, low life person is beyond me who verbally assaulted me and then tried to be nice with me. Wth?! I'm not making an excuse for him, but he was not mentally or emotionally stable at the time and we were going through our own issues. They say give them space and when you do, this happens. I have days when I want nothing to do with this anymore and others when I want to fight for us and salvage our relationship. Everything is currently up in the air. The storm shall pass.
I was thinking of moving out for a bit? Perhaps. How did you handle it? But right now trust is broken whether he did it didn't know anything. I'm still trying to figure it out. He says he can't imagine living without me. I'm at a crossroads and I'm seeking answeres from God.

I'm here if you ever need to vent. :-) you can personal message me.

 

[Keepingthefaith5]

@Sweetpea76

I agree. The thing is she tells me one thing which her story doesn't even added up or make sense and he tells me that yeah they know each other thru school, But it never got physical. So who do I believe? My gut wants to believe him but right now I'm just confused on this whole situation and exhausted. I need time to gather my thoughts and make a decision. This is the first time we go thru something so volatile.