Viewed Child Porn On Accident, Reported, Now I Am A Mess

[Gs172003]

Comes from my past as well. It is done for "being bad" or "doing bad" which also includes hu...

You don't have to explain I understand. I know it's hard when something is engrained in you. You're not bad. Bad things were done to you (I have to remind myself this too) but I never had it as bad as you Hun. I can't imagine what you have been through. I get that you were taught this. As a mom it hurts my heart that you think you deserve this but I know why. Hugs if you accept them.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks @Zoogal! :hug:s

I don't think I had it that bad but I can see why others see it that way. Which is a step away from it I think. Being able to see how others can see it that bad.

Anyway, now I am just rambling. I def accept virtual hugs! In real life you'd get punched but on here is totally different lol.

ETA: I have been really reflecting on mixing new tools with old ones and I can see maybe reporting it may have been one of those new tools? I'm not sure but reflecting on that and trying to see what are the new tools.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Yes, I think reporting it was really brave. It was the act of a concerned adult, not a scared little child, so you were able to tap into that side of yourself despite being powerfully triggered. Good for you!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@lostforgottensoul here is a virtual hug for you :hug:

 

[Gs172003]

Thanks @Zoogal! :hug:s

I don't think I had it that bad but I can see why...

Maybe read back through your posts and see what isn't usual for you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

and see what isn't usual for you.

What do you mean what isn't usual for me? You mean what is new or what I normally wouldn't do?

I mean, I think even before I would want to report it but don't think I would.

Or maybe not as back in Earthlink days I would pretend to be a pre-teen and would have cyber sex with what would be pedaphiles and wouldn't report it. So like the cops do to catch pedophiles that way. I some how played my past out that way. So i don't know if I would have reported it or not but as a video it is like in my face more so i dont know.

 

[Gs172003]

What do you mean what isn't usual for me? You mean what is new or what I normally wouldn't d...

Yes that is what I mean.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Zoogal, I'm not sure if reporting it is a new thing. I think maybe it is but just not sure.

I am terrified of cops and authorities. In my past a cop did it all with them so I have this very strong fear of "the authorities" so I think maybe I wouldn't of before now due to that.

So, then that's a good thing, right? Means I am learning or getting better or something. Pulled away from the cult enough to know that this is wrong and illegal and needed to be reported. So that's a good thing, right?

I'm sorry. I still feel really young and I am acting like you ask a small kid about something and they act bashful. That's how I am acting and was doing it more yesterday. Like a shy 6 year old or something. And so my brain is sort of fighting which one to think like. Adult or child. Or something. God it is so hard to explain.

 

[Gs172003]

@Zoogal, I'm not sure if reporting it is a new thing. I think maybe it is...

Honey it's OK. I truly understand.

 

[MisterCatLady]

I've accidentally come across child porn before. I didn't report it or tell anyone. Thank you so much for being so open and honest here. I relate to your original post so much. It helps to know I'm not alone with all of those feelings.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

When I inadvertently came across child porn, really graphic porn, online in the '90s I freaked out, unplugged the computer, and hid under the bed. I dissociated and had flashbacks and was terrified. I could tell that some of it came from the 70s and 80s, and that was when I realized that it was very likely that still photographs of me from 1979-80 were scanned in by some pedophile and traded online.

I never reported it. Instead, I started scouring the web, but never found anything with me in it, or that even looked like a familiar location. Familiar poses and props, yes, but not like the same room or the same men, that I could tell. What would be the odds, anyway? Eventually, the authorities tightened everything up and I've never seen anything as graphic and absolutely unequivocally involving very young children and young teens since.

It still haunts me, knowing there are pictures of me at 11 years old, out there.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It still haunts me, knowing there are pictures of me at 11 years old, out there.

Me too!

I started scouring the web, but never found anything with me in it, or that even looked like a familiar location.

I've done that. I mean you can't just google search it, it's illegal. But I know how to and often do browse darknet (the deep web) and there is A LOT of child porn, human trafficiking, etc, on there. I figured if it would be online, that's where it would be. But my step dad & mom were not computer savvy so I have no idea if they would even know how to get to darknet or even that it exsisted.

My step dad told me once that he was selling them online when dial up came to homes. He said one of the family (what we called cult members) had computer knowledge and set up a selling, renting, and trading site. That thought has haunted me since.

Thanks @Zoogal! :hug:s @MisterCatLady, :hug:s