Visiting mom!

Ziza

New Here
My mother is currently my main known trigger! I am sure there are others but I'm not aware of them yet! She is 80+ and lives 60 miles away from me. My dad has passed away and she is alone with a nasty room mate! She abused me mainly emotionally although she also hit me but not as much as my dad did! and neglected me starting at 9! Before 9 starting at 5 she had made me her confidant and would tell me about my dad's infidelities and say he didn't love us! Needless to say, they both royally screwed me up! I became rebellious and spent my life hurting and hating myself. I was never allowed to be a child!

My problem is that she wants me to go visit her! She wants me to call her! I don't do what she expects, but I feel guilty because she is old and not abusive now, unless I let her! I've established boundaries with her so she isn't calling me every day asking me to do this and that for her anymore. But maybe once a month I call her to check up on her, she always says how much she misses me and how much she loves me! My inner child gets triggered around her that's the main reason I don't go around her. I get really bad anxiety when I am around her!

There is a part of me that thinks I should spend more time with her before she passes! But I want to not be triggered by her! I wish I could see her and be OK! But I don't know how! Any ideas on how to not get triggered?
 

wisteria

Confident
wow. this was a really triggering thread for me but with so many great responses! Ziza, are you still around? I can relate to a lot of what you are saying but any advice I have would definitely pale in comparison to what you've already received. Way to go on being 33 years sober. That's awesome. I struggled with ACA as well. I was going more for the "and dysfunctional families" portion of it tho (adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families) as I'm not an addict. Regardless, I had a hard time sticking with it since I struggled as well with reaching out for support, and would quickly retreat back to my cave. I also struggled with it tho because, unlike you, I am not in touch with my inner child. That's awesome that you have such a good connection with yours. For all that you've gone through, it is probably hard for her to get over that anger. Esp still being in contact with your mom. I am currently struggling with going No Contact with my mom; she is definitely my main trigger as well. It is so hard. Actually she just sent me a birthday card about what a wonderful daughter I was and it made me feel like a worthless nothing. So I totally get the "The more she says how much she loves me, the worse I feel!" statement. Becoming a hermit hasn't really made my pain go away, so no guarantees on that being the answer. Anyway, I'm not one on giving advice. I just hope you are still around. I'm sorry if you felt invalidated. Come back, keep chatting, keep venting, great people are here for you!
 
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