Tearsofawarrior
New Here
Good morning everyone. Guess it's my turn to go. I've had a few years of therapy. I don't think the wizards know how to un f*ck ptsd. I've had one make me somewhat functional again. But I feel the scars are just too deep.
I know I've gotten a lot of understanding from others with ptsd. But these collegiate perfectly normal (or so they say) upbringing they have. How the f*ck do they think pills are my only solution?
Too many foreigners coming into this country to work minds just because it pays good money. Where's the f*cking passion? Where the f*ck are people who give a shit? These foreigners don't give a shit about americans. Certainly not veterans. The VA hardly cares about us. I was sent to see charlie foreigner in zebra pants 50 miles away because there's no one local. f*ckin Zebra Pants!!! Where is the professionalism? He looked ready to goto the club not to help me get better.
My ptsd goes a hell of a lot deeper than war. I got a stomach for blood and gore. I see it everywhere. Especially in my dreams. Its always murder and carnage. I wake up screaming sometimes. Ive attacked my lover while I was sleeping. Sometimes I drink so I can shut my brain off. I don't want to think about the evil people in this world. I don't want to remember them when I wake up cold from sweating.
War took its toll from me. I flashback often. Have disassociate events. Panic attacks. Anxiety rules my days while it holds the hand of depression. I'm angry as f*ck. I try to fake a smile and be approachable for 3 of 5 kids. I blow up at them for making all that noise. Banging screaming yelling. Shit I've tried asking nicely. They think it's funny to agitate me. They like seeing me on edge. I dont beat them. I swear they need it. Causes a lot of problems with their mom. I leave cause the kids are assholes all day everyday. Mom doesnt have the energy to learn how to live with someone with PTSD. I still love all of them but f*ck. A man needs his quiet time.
The wife likes to be an asshole to. Doesn't understand. "Leave me alone I'm having a moment." I can't talk about it right now" I don't want to talk about it right now" please leave me alone" and I'm made to be the bad guy. Because I'm in a sour f*cking mood and I don't want to talk about bad things. Why the f*ck do people want to talk about bad things with people who are in a bad mood. Is it too hard to read someone that's having a bad day? Moment? Whatever!?
f*ck. Yeah I cuss a lot. Get over it. Some people only looking at superficial shit. Of everything I've said. Most people first choice in correcting me is my choice of language. Seriously.. language is your goto constructive criticism for me. I must be doing something right.
Thank god I'm retired. I can't hold a job. I can't get sleep right. I'll sleep through alarms or swing on someone who doesn't know how to properly wake me up. I still duck for sounds. I'm just as edgy at work. Every step I take I'm reminded of war. And every idiot I meet is a liability. Everything on the road is bomb related to me. Every car I see a radical someone just waiting for the right reason to go nuts.
I miss war. So pure. The only thing that mattered was killing what tries to kill you, food, and sleep when your brother is awake watching over you. I've been awake all night watching over the family sleeping. And I get yelled at for sleeping when it's my turn to feel safe enough to. I run on small naps. To keep the peace and responsibilities.
I'm tired. Tired of trigger words, smells, sounds, sights, tastes, feelings. I'm tired of the circular thinking I get trapped in. I'm tired of evil people manipulating others to gain an advantage. Has anyone ever been wrongfully accused of molesting 1/5 of their children so a drug addict can maintain their support. Yea. What an honorable f*cking system my brothers and I fought for. There you go ladies. You want an edge in a custody battle cause you're a shitbag. Manipulate your kids into doing so.
Fortunately my oldest son fessed up and told the truth "my dad didn't do nothing to us and we didn't do anything to him." So he is forgiven. But I'm still pissed off. I didn't deserve it. I just wanted to make their lives better. Get them off the floor and away from all the drug parties. Breaks my heart everyday when I'm reminded of them looking at my other 3. It tears me up. Spits me out and rips me open again.
So sick of being sick that evil people just do what the f*ck they want with no reprocussions. f*cking lazy lawyers. Under educated derelict, biased ad lidems. I can't see a lawyer commercial or anything related to lawyers and courtrooms without losing my shit.
My ex can rot in hell. I hope that sludge machine she calls a heart shuts down soon. There's nothing real about that woman. So manipulative playing emotions of people. Much like a politician. Evil people. Yup, I'm done talking about it. Wars for the country and wars for your family. War leaves some nasty scars.
I know I've gotten a lot of understanding from others with ptsd. But these collegiate perfectly normal (or so they say) upbringing they have. How the f*ck do they think pills are my only solution?
Too many foreigners coming into this country to work minds just because it pays good money. Where's the f*cking passion? Where the f*ck are people who give a shit? These foreigners don't give a shit about americans. Certainly not veterans. The VA hardly cares about us. I was sent to see charlie foreigner in zebra pants 50 miles away because there's no one local. f*ckin Zebra Pants!!! Where is the professionalism? He looked ready to goto the club not to help me get better.
My ptsd goes a hell of a lot deeper than war. I got a stomach for blood and gore. I see it everywhere. Especially in my dreams. Its always murder and carnage. I wake up screaming sometimes. Ive attacked my lover while I was sleeping. Sometimes I drink so I can shut my brain off. I don't want to think about the evil people in this world. I don't want to remember them when I wake up cold from sweating.
War took its toll from me. I flashback often. Have disassociate events. Panic attacks. Anxiety rules my days while it holds the hand of depression. I'm angry as f*ck. I try to fake a smile and be approachable for 3 of 5 kids. I blow up at them for making all that noise. Banging screaming yelling. Shit I've tried asking nicely. They think it's funny to agitate me. They like seeing me on edge. I dont beat them. I swear they need it. Causes a lot of problems with their mom. I leave cause the kids are assholes all day everyday. Mom doesnt have the energy to learn how to live with someone with PTSD. I still love all of them but f*ck. A man needs his quiet time.
The wife likes to be an asshole to. Doesn't understand. "Leave me alone I'm having a moment." I can't talk about it right now" I don't want to talk about it right now" please leave me alone" and I'm made to be the bad guy. Because I'm in a sour f*cking mood and I don't want to talk about bad things. Why the f*ck do people want to talk about bad things with people who are in a bad mood. Is it too hard to read someone that's having a bad day? Moment? Whatever!?
f*ck. Yeah I cuss a lot. Get over it. Some people only looking at superficial shit. Of everything I've said. Most people first choice in correcting me is my choice of language. Seriously.. language is your goto constructive criticism for me. I must be doing something right.
Thank god I'm retired. I can't hold a job. I can't get sleep right. I'll sleep through alarms or swing on someone who doesn't know how to properly wake me up. I still duck for sounds. I'm just as edgy at work. Every step I take I'm reminded of war. And every idiot I meet is a liability. Everything on the road is bomb related to me. Every car I see a radical someone just waiting for the right reason to go nuts.
I miss war. So pure. The only thing that mattered was killing what tries to kill you, food, and sleep when your brother is awake watching over you. I've been awake all night watching over the family sleeping. And I get yelled at for sleeping when it's my turn to feel safe enough to. I run on small naps. To keep the peace and responsibilities.
I'm tired. Tired of trigger words, smells, sounds, sights, tastes, feelings. I'm tired of the circular thinking I get trapped in. I'm tired of evil people manipulating others to gain an advantage. Has anyone ever been wrongfully accused of molesting 1/5 of their children so a drug addict can maintain their support. Yea. What an honorable f*cking system my brothers and I fought for. There you go ladies. You want an edge in a custody battle cause you're a shitbag. Manipulate your kids into doing so.
Fortunately my oldest son fessed up and told the truth "my dad didn't do nothing to us and we didn't do anything to him." So he is forgiven. But I'm still pissed off. I didn't deserve it. I just wanted to make their lives better. Get them off the floor and away from all the drug parties. Breaks my heart everyday when I'm reminded of them looking at my other 3. It tears me up. Spits me out and rips me open again.
So sick of being sick that evil people just do what the f*ck they want with no reprocussions. f*cking lazy lawyers. Under educated derelict, biased ad lidems. I can't see a lawyer commercial or anything related to lawyers and courtrooms without losing my shit.
My ex can rot in hell. I hope that sludge machine she calls a heart shuts down soon. There's nothing real about that woman. So manipulative playing emotions of people. Much like a politician. Evil people. Yup, I'm done talking about it. Wars for the country and wars for your family. War leaves some nasty scars.
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