jphillips90
New Here
Hi, I'm Jessie. I have severe PTSD.
My first memory is being raped at 5 yrs in front of a mirror while having to repeat horrific things about myself and "watching."
We (my brother and I) were severly physically abused and tortured. We were forced to eat rancid food, vomit, alcohol, etc. This abuse continued until I was 8 almost 9. My mother knew I was being raped and abused (she participated in some of the "games" like force feeding me and picking out what item to use to beat me, laughing during it etc and walked in to me being raped) She took us and left when she walked in on my brother being raped. She kept him but abandoned me.
The state got in contact with her mother (my grandmother-I never met her I just heard horror stories about her from my mother) reluctantly she took me in. Almost immediately her and her husband began abusing me.
At 12 my school got involved and my grandmother terminated her gaurdenship. They tracked my mother down and gave me to her. Her new guy (whom to this day I still refer to as my dad) is a felon for beating my brother and me so bad. He had apparently broke my brother's nose over him eating the last of the bread.
At 15 I ran away and after a very rocky first two years I managed to get my GED, get a job, and started college. I graduated with a GPA of 3.2. I went to therapy and got to the point where I can use the terms "rape abuse molest etc" and at 19 I married my wonderful husband and thought I had moved past my horrible childhood. I had a great life from then on until July 5, 2013.
After closing at my 2nd job (a bar) that night I was tired and wasn't thinking...I walked to my car alone. A man I had served had hid and waited for me to get off...I haven't worked through this event enough to be go into detail yet but a bouncer came out the back door to throw a bag of trash into the dumpster and got the guy off of me.
My world shattered. I became afraid of the world. Even though that night wasn't nearly as severe as my childhood (he didn't succeed...the bouncer intervened before he could) it messed me up.
Everything in this world made me terrified it seemed. My memory became fried, I struggled to take care of myself, things I used to enjoy I became terrified of, I would have flashbacks walking to a car, men walking towards me, street lights, hearing "Mexican" music, at night, in the dark, if approached from behind ( even by my toddlers), I mean the list of triggers seemed endless for a long time. You could tell something was wrong with me without knowing or speaking to me.
I refused to quit fighting for my life back though...I worked with doctors and went through a laundry list of medications I went to CBT and ERT therapy as if it was a full time job. After a year I accomplished some major goals (I drive now, go out without my husband during the day, and can be alone longer now) I live in a very small town and while the help I recieved improved my life...their knowledge on those therapies were limited and their knowledge on C-PTSD specifically was even more limited. In fact the two couselors worked for free since I was literally their first client to have it. They were learning with me. They helped as much as they could but I really want to progress more.
Daily life is still really hard for me especially internally. I'm still really numb towards people, even my family, and I miss myself. I was bubbly and very active before. I was positive and felt kind of like a badass for becoming a woman I was proud of and proving my abusers wrong.
Now though I'm isolated and have a lot of anger inside. My marriage is nothing like it used to be. My husband has cried because he doesn't know who I am. It's like I'm a different person in the same body. Being my partner seems a lot more like a job than a partnership and seeing my family suffer because of my C-PTSD makes the feelings of guilt, shame, and embarrassment even worse.
I feel like it's do-or-die time...if there's one thing I know about me it's that I won't go out without swinging. I can't travel to a specialist (to be honest I can't afford one even if they were closer) or go to a longer term facility because of my children. I've been trying to figure out what books for myself, workbooks, books for spouses and even if there are books for parenting with C-PTSD that will benefit me the most. Of course every one of them claim to be the "best" which makes it hard to choose which ones are worth investing in and which ones might not benefit as much.
I really want to get some reviews from people who HAVE the illness and have purchased these for themselves. I appreciate you taking the time to read this and I hope some of you out there can relate and help me get help. I've never met someone else with C-PTSD so maybe this will help to not feel so dreadfully alone. I really can't wait to sleep without nightmares one night...that's a big milestone I really really really want to reach. Anyway thanks again,
Jes
My first memory is being raped at 5 yrs in front of a mirror while having to repeat horrific things about myself and "watching."
We (my brother and I) were severly physically abused and tortured. We were forced to eat rancid food, vomit, alcohol, etc. This abuse continued until I was 8 almost 9. My mother knew I was being raped and abused (she participated in some of the "games" like force feeding me and picking out what item to use to beat me, laughing during it etc and walked in to me being raped) She took us and left when she walked in on my brother being raped. She kept him but abandoned me.
The state got in contact with her mother (my grandmother-I never met her I just heard horror stories about her from my mother) reluctantly she took me in. Almost immediately her and her husband began abusing me.
At 12 my school got involved and my grandmother terminated her gaurdenship. They tracked my mother down and gave me to her. Her new guy (whom to this day I still refer to as my dad) is a felon for beating my brother and me so bad. He had apparently broke my brother's nose over him eating the last of the bread.
At 15 I ran away and after a very rocky first two years I managed to get my GED, get a job, and started college. I graduated with a GPA of 3.2. I went to therapy and got to the point where I can use the terms "rape abuse molest etc" and at 19 I married my wonderful husband and thought I had moved past my horrible childhood. I had a great life from then on until July 5, 2013.
After closing at my 2nd job (a bar) that night I was tired and wasn't thinking...I walked to my car alone. A man I had served had hid and waited for me to get off...I haven't worked through this event enough to be go into detail yet but a bouncer came out the back door to throw a bag of trash into the dumpster and got the guy off of me.
My world shattered. I became afraid of the world. Even though that night wasn't nearly as severe as my childhood (he didn't succeed...the bouncer intervened before he could) it messed me up.
Everything in this world made me terrified it seemed. My memory became fried, I struggled to take care of myself, things I used to enjoy I became terrified of, I would have flashbacks walking to a car, men walking towards me, street lights, hearing "Mexican" music, at night, in the dark, if approached from behind ( even by my toddlers), I mean the list of triggers seemed endless for a long time. You could tell something was wrong with me without knowing or speaking to me.
I refused to quit fighting for my life back though...I worked with doctors and went through a laundry list of medications I went to CBT and ERT therapy as if it was a full time job. After a year I accomplished some major goals (I drive now, go out without my husband during the day, and can be alone longer now) I live in a very small town and while the help I recieved improved my life...their knowledge on those therapies were limited and their knowledge on C-PTSD specifically was even more limited. In fact the two couselors worked for free since I was literally their first client to have it. They were learning with me. They helped as much as they could but I really want to progress more.
Daily life is still really hard for me especially internally. I'm still really numb towards people, even my family, and I miss myself. I was bubbly and very active before. I was positive and felt kind of like a badass for becoming a woman I was proud of and proving my abusers wrong.
Now though I'm isolated and have a lot of anger inside. My marriage is nothing like it used to be. My husband has cried because he doesn't know who I am. It's like I'm a different person in the same body. Being my partner seems a lot more like a job than a partnership and seeing my family suffer because of my C-PTSD makes the feelings of guilt, shame, and embarrassment even worse.
I feel like it's do-or-die time...if there's one thing I know about me it's that I won't go out without swinging. I can't travel to a specialist (to be honest I can't afford one even if they were closer) or go to a longer term facility because of my children. I've been trying to figure out what books for myself, workbooks, books for spouses and even if there are books for parenting with C-PTSD that will benefit me the most. Of course every one of them claim to be the "best" which makes it hard to choose which ones are worth investing in and which ones might not benefit as much.
I really want to get some reviews from people who HAVE the illness and have purchased these for themselves. I appreciate you taking the time to read this and I hope some of you out there can relate and help me get help. I've never met someone else with C-PTSD so maybe this will help to not feel so dreadfully alone. I really can't wait to sleep without nightmares one night...that's a big milestone I really really really want to reach. Anyway thanks again,
Jes
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