Sexual Assault Was this rape?

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Really happy to hear you have had the medical care you need. And that you clearly have a husband who loves you a lot.

(Don't worry about triggering people here. The 'rules' are that it is impossible to know what will trigger someone, so there are no trigger warnings. We all just take responsibility for our triggers and disengage if it is too difficult. So no need to sensor yourself of you don't want to).

Shock , trauma: can be both you are feeling right now. It is a really tough time realising and accepting what happened. Totally can knock you sideways and overwhelm and feel utterly freightening.
But: cling on to the knowledge that it won't always be like this.

If the words don't come out right now: that is ok. It really is.

If you feel you want to tell your T something. Maybe writing? Maybe asking if you can share something written down? Doesn't have to be the whole story. Could be one or two words that don't come out verbally right now.

Whenever I am at a real low like this, I need to remind myself: this feeling will pass. And sometimes it might shift and this living hell and emotional pain merges into some level of peace. A transition from fear and denial /survival, to acceptance.
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
If using the word rape is difficult how do you feel about adjacent words? Personally I prefer sexual assault as I feel the term is more inclusive and covers a spectrum of violations of the same type of crime and to different people regardless of jurisdiction overview of what is what - for me sexual assault is a socio political choice and I use the other to refer to my personal experience.

You can talk to your therapist how you are talking to us if need be- or be silent while your therapist addresses ways forward if you write them an email addressing the recent understanding and impact.

you might find your way to one word answers . Or body language feed back :)

you are doing what feels safe to you right now by being silent. Hopefully with your supportive safe partner more will feel safe soon and hopefully the same with your T and then maybe an expanding circle.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Hello. Very sorry for what happened to you, it is indeed awful and extremely difficult to compute. I remember having surrendered after saying no two times very clearly, and even telling myself let's say I consented otherwise it's a r... And taking more than a week to be able to say it after having understood that it was very real. I couldn't see a therapist at that point. Happy to hear you have the care around you. If you shut down for a moment, it's normal and in a certain sense desirable. Sleeping and rest in these situations help to process and buffer the shock of realising. Be gentle on yourself 🙂 if silence feels right, it's okay. It's a lot to process.

Sending you warm hugs, if you accept. Welcome to the forum. Things do pass and evolve. 🌻
 
Thank you for further replies.
Tried to message my therapist to explain what has happened, including my loss of voice, and she responded saying “it will be very difficult for me to give you therapy over our video calls if you can’t speak, you need to find a way to get yourself to speak again. Communication is very important in a therapist & patient relationship. If you’re unable to communicate it will make our sessions very difficult. Please try to get yourself speaking again.”
HOW?! I have no control over this. Every time I try to speak I just clam up completely. I seem to have just gone mute! It’s definitely not by choice, and now I feel like I’m being blamed for it 😢
I’m so shocked tbh, she’s usually so fantastic. I can’t believe she said that!? 😢

That on top of the blame I already feel.
Just feel so alone.
 

Sideways

Sponsor
I was friends with a lady that used to go to the same hospital as me. She had an abusive partner, and on one admission, for no apparent reason at all, she couldn't speak.

It took 4 days of relaxing somewhere she felt safe. And then it came back of its own accord.

Are there things that you can do to make yourself feel a little more safe where you are? Are there things that you can do that distract you, even for short periods of time? Or relax you, even for short periods of time? Anything from watching old movies to sitting by a creek to curling up in bed and just plain old sleeping as long as possible?
 
I’m not sure, but by the sound of it, I don’t think she’ll go for that. She’s made it clear I need to vocalize in our sessions 😞

I have slept as much as humanly possible, and as for going out into nature, I live in a city so unfortunately can’t do that, and my whole province is on a shutdown due to Covid anyway, so I can’t go out for unnecessary reasons...
I’ve watched episodes of my favourite sitcoms Netflix but am finding it hard to even focus on those. I am a head chef but of course I can’t go to work right now either. I have tried cooking at home, but my fragile mental state means I keep screwing things up! So husband has taken over the cooking. I just feel like everything I love/am good at is slipping away from me now, too. I can’t seem to function like a human being anymore 😞
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
@justasimplecat I feel you. Moments like this are extremely hard. But they are moments, and it's a normal response. What happened to you is extremely difficult to process, on top of already dealing with the bodily and identity transitions that isn't a piece of cake neither. For what you write it is evident that you are a person with energy and have so far fought for getting where you are, which is very remarkable!! A lot of courage here!

Be confident your courage and function will come back. A friend of mine once told me it's important to listen to your body. If it's telling you to curl, it might be a good idea to do it so. If it's telling you silence, it's okay too.

When I was so confused and bzzzted that I couldn't compute anything I just watched bird observation documentaries. Or any nature related things preferentially without a voiceover or music. Just the nature shots. I lived in a city too and am not much an outdoorsy person, so the TV did it for me. And I could crawl in and out of sleep with the vague background sound of nature and animals. It's soothing, not entirely distracting because it's very few information. Perhaps it can do it for you if you find that watching shows is already mobilising too much energy.

I'm sorry your therapist doesn't seem to understand your situation! If it carries on like this do you think you'd like to change and find another one? At least here you have a space to express your struggles. I hope you're having the softest and most agreeable day possible.
 
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