The effects of a toxic relationship can reverberate for years to come. To answer your question from a non-legal perspective, let's say what you have described was a violent and forceful sexual assault.
The guy is now in prison and - although it's not much consolation - it is hoped he will not be part of your life anymore.
The encounter was not only a vicious, cruel sexual assault but also a betrayal of the very essence of a loving partnership. That is one of trust and respect.
You've asked the question....Was it rape?....Let's say that what you have just been through constitutes a forced sexual assault against your will. You were also treated in a sexually degraded manner.
You may benefit from legal advice or contacting the police because this incident could be legally classed as rape or sexual assault. You were the victim (now survivor) of a violent, sexually motivated crime and - although in prison - your ex could still be held accountable.
Although dwelling on our past misfortunes can leave us feeling more depressed, some reflection can help us to understand and move forward.
This relationship you embarked upon when only a teenager. You've not mentioned your former partner's age but that alone does not define how a person treats others.
One thing for certain. Your ex-partner saw an opportunity to take advantage of someone who was at a vulnerable stage in their life.
Being a teenager is hard enough - with it's rollercoaster of emotions and the challenges of discovering adulthood - let alone committing to a relationship.
Added to this, there will have been your other personal challenges regarding the understanding of your gender identity, sexuality and the journey of transition.
It's likely you were vulnerable at the time of first meeting your ex. He will have sadly seen - and seized - an opportunity to take advantage.
Your ex-partner will have felt a sense of power when hurting you.
Yet there could have been something deep underneath all that cowardly behaviour. Maybe a deep, secret hatred of himself.
He decided to take advantage of your situation and use it for his own personal gain. The only way he could feel that he really had some power in his life.
With your self esteem destroyed by this man, you will have found it very hard to leave his side.....
However.....Perhaps - if the real truth be known - he couldn't leave you. Why?....
He felt he couldn't face his own sexual dilemmas? He secretly loathed himself for what he had become?
Maybe he felt that he really needed to prove to himself that he was a 'real' man. Sadly. The only way for him to deal with this....Abuse someone vulnerable.
The incident you described was a way for your ex-partner to express his own secret hatred....Himself.
From the instigation of the sexual comments to make you feel uncomfortable - all the way to the final, horrible conclusion - this was a form of punishment. Your ex could only see what he couldn't be - or admit to.
Much of your ex-partner's nastiness will have emanated deep from within himself and he took the opportunity to 'objectify' you for this cruel incident. This was how he expressed the true conflict with his own identity.
The chances are, this nasty incident was the culmination of this man's built-up, yet confused emotions.
There's the issue of having to 'prove yourself' to your ex when he began this encounter with you and his friends. He was actually finding a way to prove something to himself. His own self-worthiness.
Maybe he was trying to find a way of proving to himself that he was a real man.
Your ex appears to have an issue that could have stemmed from resentment within his own early life. Perhaps his family.
Having to sexually abuse someone who is vulnerable in front of two equally unpleasant people - and derive pleasure whilst they touch themselves....Who's proving to who?
Going all the way to the forceful, violent sexual intercourse with a vulnerable, young person - and with the help of these aggressors.....
There must be something deep inside your ex that harbours some kind of hatred. That secret knowledge that he'll never prove to himself (and maybe his family) that he is really worthy of respect.
Although the differences between you and your ex are many. There is one specific, significant difference between him and you.
The courage to face, accept and be who you really are inside.
You describe how you responded to this by 'freezing', being dazed and 'out of it'. All of this will have been caused by the shock of what was happening to you.
Often, survivors of abuse blame themselves.
There's that question in your mind...."What if....?"
What happened to you was not your fault. You were coerced into this and overpowered by your ex and two others when at your most vulnerable.
What you are describing in your posts is a delayed reaction to the incident, caused by the initial trauma of the assault. When the assault happened, you 'froze in shock' and are now experiencing the following (delayed) trauma.
You may later experience feelings of depression, anxiety or even 'flashbacks' - and experiences such as you not being able to speak. Self-harm (as you mentioned) will be your way of dealing with the trauma.
All of this can be delayed, then come out later on in life - as you are now experiencing.
You may need to bear in mind that there could be powerful emotions associated with your transition. This can be ongoing, even after your surgeries.
At the moment, you are very limited with regard to counselling services because of coronavirus restrictions.
Perhaps the online therapy is not the most suitable for your needs. Life's harder because of the Covid lockdowns.
Counselling will help you to deal with the trauma of your experience and because you'll still be dealing with issues concerning the re-assignment/transition of your body.
Hopefully...Eventually...When things can get back to 'normal', you may find it more beneficial to use the services of a counsellor/therapist with a deeper understanding of your trauma. It's worth doing some research.
For you - the counselling (preferably one-to-one and in person) will be more beneficial if the therapy was ongoing for a lengthy period of time.
As the therapy will be over a long period, you'll benefit from a counsellor who actually understands and can relate to the traumatic after-effects - such as not being able to speak and so on.
This can be the delayed post-trauma of PTSD, so a counsellor in that field will be more suitable.
You may also find it helpful to research organisations that can offer services connected to sexual assault/domestic violence and abuse. They could help.
You may want to seek legal advice or involve the police regarding this assault as your ex-partner is already doing time for rape.
At present, neither he - nor the other two - have been punished for this particular assault. There's a chance that your ex may co-operate with the police as he could face further charges. He may even want to 'take down' the other two - rather face further punishment alone.
This is of course, subject to dealing with the police or seeking legal advice.
Understandably. It's up to you. Do you want to pursue this further?....
You may want to put this all behind you and move forward. As most importantly, it's your own physical and mental well-being that needs to come first.
You mention your husband - who seems to seriously care about you - which means you are taking steps to move forward with your life.
Hopefully. This caring, honest and loving relationship will help you to focus on your transition and the rest of your recovery - and leave behind the cruel treatment you received in the past.
if silence feels right, it's okay. It's a lot to process.
