Childhood would this be COCSA?

[2kool4skool]

I honestly can’t tell if I’m overreacting and it feels like I am and it’s honestly driving me crazy. I’ve looked at so many articles and other people’s experiences, and mine doesn’t even remotely sound similar, in my eyes at least. I’m really looking for guidance on if it would be COCSA, or something different? Ty for any help!!

when I was in 2nd grade, around 5-6 yrs old, there was a girl in my class. We were good friends and desk mates, and I can’t really remember how we got into this agreement but she would have free reign to slide her hand under my skirt and touch me, while a lesson was going on and the teacher was walking around teaching. I don’t have many memories of it, but I do remember it hurt like a pinch, and I was waiting for it to get good while staring at a clock. I didn’t make any sound, and I don’t think I got any pleasure out of it. She seemed like she was doing it for curiosity, I think, and it happened more than once but I can’t remember how many times.

She eventually told me we couldn’t keep it up anymore cause her parents said it wasn’t right to do that. I didn’t tell mine, and it buried deep in my head until I was 11. I just thought it was my fault that I did a gross thing like that so young, when I remembered, and would keep it like a dirty secret until I was 15, and I genuinely started to lose my mind when I heard about the term called COCSA, and although I’m not diagnosed and don’t claim to be, I have a lot of similar symptoms with ptsd, including tensing up and nausea and almost skin tingling feeling everytime the topic of COCSA or child exploitation is brought up, anything to do with SA. But I don’t think I should be reacting like that, because i know in my memory I didn’t stop her from doing anything. I’m really confused, since it wasn’t violent, or scary, or overtly painful. I don’t know why it’s ruined my mental health so much for a year and it keeps getting worse. If anyone has any advice or insight, pls help me out, this is really a last resort. :(

 

[anthony]

COCSA is a very new term, often associated with relatives, though not exclusive. Child sexual exploration is very normal. Society today puts out terms like COCSA and it confuses most people. Was it? Wasn't it? The truth is, only you get to determine that, nobody else, certainly not society or a therapist.

We can all look back into childhood and likely find normal, curious, sexual exploration with other kids our age or similar age. It is normal behaviour, nothing you need to be embarrassed about, nothing you need to hide. Saying that, if you deem it was abuse, then it is abuse, because only you get to decide that for yourself, nobody else.

It can be very confusing for people as we age and learn. Some people will claim as an adult, that any sexual exploration as a child is abusive, yet that is an opinion. The more factual assertion is that children explore sexuality, unknown, without understanding, curiosity more than knowledge of anything harmful or malice, because kids are kids. Kids do weird and wonderful things, we all do, all did, because we didn't know better. Childhood is years of learning, making mistakes, repeating mistakes, growing, adapting, rinse and repeat.

Whether you stopped it, started it, liked it or didn't, you get to choose that. All I will say, is that if it distresses you right now, present tense, then it probably needs to be explored and solved, otherwise it creates, as you outlined, mental distress for you. Me, my history, I put it all down to normal childhood curiosity, as it was with kids my own age. It doesn't distress me, as I accept it for what it was... knowing nothing about sex and nothing about sexuality, I was just a kid being a kid and those with me were the same. None of knew what we know now as adults. You get to make that choice and that decision for yourself, but it must be the truth as your feelings and thoughts honestly reconcile it, as lying to yourself will not bring relief.

 

[Movingforward10]

I experienced COCSA. I understand the confusion and self blame.

If you don't call it COCSA, what would you call it?
Which feels more 'right' to you?

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I dont really use the term COCSA, sometimes it might be accurate description but other times even if it's traumatic, there isnt the malice as when adults do it. like when it's kids the same age (my situation). finding the label helped me feel like I wasnt going crazy, but eventually Ive stopped using it in favour of just going the long way around to explain my situation, personally. which does not say anything at all about wether or not what I went through harmed or disturbed or sexually traumatised me. TL:DR; labels can be arbitrary and make things difficult sometimes.

I just thought it was my fault that I did a gross thing like that so young

not at all.

I have a lot of similar symptoms with ptsd, including tensing up and nausea and almost skin tingling feeling everytime the topic of COCSA or child exploitation is brought up, anything to do with SA. But I don’t think I should be reacting like that, because i know in my memory I didn’t stop her from doing anything. I’m really confused, since it wasn’t violent, or scary, or overtly painful. I don’t know why it’s ruined my mental health so much for a year and it keeps getting worse. If anyone has any advice or insight, pls help me out, this is really a last resort. :(

for me what's really helped is to work backwards. go from symptoms instead of from the source. trying to argue with yourself wether the source was really "traumatic enough" or not will send you in circles and circles and circles, forever. your feelings and health show wether or not something was or wasn't traumatic, or a big deal, or a problem, etc etc. not the other way around. if you are feeling messed up then... what does arguing that it actually didn't do anything to you do for you?
Ive been through this same debate with myself countless times.

But I don’t think I should be reacting like that, because i know in my memory I didn’t stop her from doing anything. I’m really confused, since it wasn’t violent, or scary, or overtly painful.

not at all, there arent any shoulds, on your end, for this.
I and many other kids who are groomed/molested/etc by adults go through the exact same thing. "I felt fine/didnt do anything, I wasn't hurt, why do I feel like this this is dumb." this stuff is confusing, especially for a child. if you were only allowed to be negatively effected by something sexual if you 1) tried to stop it, and 2) were overtly scared or injured at the time that it happened, then many many people here would not be allowed to talk about being touched inappropriately by family members, mentors, other kids, etc.




fighting to validate / "prove" that your emotions are real and worth attention, based on the thing that happened, is a most often losing battle. we have 101 ways to make it "not a big deal/overreacting/etcetc". your distress and pain is affecting you, that is enough for it to need some care and attention. why continue to live like this? if this is not "bad enough" to be free of, what is? do you need permission to try and feel better instead of waiting for it to somehow go away on its own?


also the intentions of others can be pretty irrelevant if you are traumatised/affected in another way. that will always need attention regardless of what the other person was meaning to happen/do/you to feel. my stepdad hurt me during play a couple times and I had nightmares about it until last year. he didn't mean to hurt me but it terrified me and that's what counts. "he was only playing, get over it" does not mean anything when it is following me around for years of my life. me seeing to the distress and processing it does not mean Im incriminating him as a bad guy. same with the kid I had a similar incident(s) to you with, just a poorly parented, maybe curious kid, who I mostly forgot about what he did until I got older but was still very much affected by.


mental distress is mental distress. it goes better addressed than ignored, whatever the reason.