Childhood Cocsa? Im losing my mind over this. Pl

[ladybug111]

Ive been trying to get peoples opinions on this but i havent been getting a reply. Me and my sister would touch when I was 10 and she was 7 but we outgrew it. Now I find it extremely weird and uncomfortable to even think about it but whats been bothering me is that after some time we did it, she would get a little uncomfortable? I don’t know I can’t quite remember but thinking back to it now I feel like a horrible person. Back then I thought that what we were doing was harmless and I would never wanna hurt her or anything. We never brought it up to each other and we’ve always had a best friend typa bond so I don’t want this to ruin everything. I don’t even think she remembers all of this now but I can’t shake the thought outta my head. Ive been really big on consent after getting educated on it, so I can’t believe I made her uncomfortable back then. I don’t know the guilt is eating me away.

 

[Mach123]

I don’t want to read into your experience and I’m sorry which I never say that you are trying to deal with these memories. My experience started with memories like this I couldn’t interpret or understand. I felt very uneasy and that something was definitely wrong. It’s extremely difficult to talk about and the reply you’ll get most will be something like oh kids do stuff like that.
But I knew something was wrong so I had to keep exploring and ended up on trauma therapy and eventually here. There are plenty of posts here about similar experiences. Don’t feel like you’re all alone.

 

[arfie]

hello ladybug. welcome to the forum.

Back then I thought that what we were doing was harmless and I would never wanna hurt her or anything. We never brought it up to each other and we’ve always had a best friend typa bond so I don’t want this to ruin everything.

in my own recovery, taboo topics can turn the most innocent of experiences into demonic possession, most especially when the topic is taboo with the people i love and trust most. that worry that i can ruin everything is a major communication blocker. how can a bestie be a bestie if i fear being open and honest with them? what kind of trust is that?

when i encounter this blockage with my own 5 sisters, i keep bringing it up until we find our comfort zone and healthy boundaries. with the healthy boundaries we can continue being besties while respecting the other's sensitive spots.

but that is me and every case is unique. sisterly relationships are even more unique.
steadying support while you sort what is right for you.

 

[Sideways]

Ive been really big on consent after getting educated on it, so I can’t believe I made her uncomfortable back then.

You were 10. Consent isn’t a thing with children. It’s something we have to learn about.

Exploring bodies and sexuality is very common behaviour among kids. You can let go of the guilt around this.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I had sexual contact from another kid when I was little, it’s a very significant trauma for me. My therapist doesn’t use the term COCSA in general but also for my case (both 5-7) because it places a sense of malice on the other child which could not have been there and turns him into a predatory figure, when he was also just a child. Which isn’t beneficial for me healing. Was it traumatic? Yes. Should kids be touching or pursuing eachother sexually? No. Was the other kid a violent or malicious abuser? No. There wasn’t really an abuser in my case but I was a victim of the parenting (from both sides) that allowed it to happen and neglected it after the fact. You may be on the other side of the coin but same for you; Parents should be looking out for their kids so they aren’t exploring or enacting things that they cannot understand yet. Don’t let the word “abuse” in the label make you see yourself under an adult lens. This is not the same as you doing those things to someone as a developed and cognisant adult. Children need guidance and support, and protection, including against being sexually active as a child.

Demonising yourself at 10 won’t allow you the perspective on your environment and the factors which allowed this to happen and continue happening. Where are the adults here? Where are the people supposed to be teaching you and your sister where’s private/inappropriate to be touched (and what to do if a situation arises)? And what isn’t appropriate to do to others. There’s age-appropriate ways to teach this to most ages of children.

Similarly I don’t hold my perpetrator to that standard because where were his parents teaching him/reinforcing these things? Even after they knew what was up.

 

[beaneeboo]

What @Dark.Green.Feathers wrote is really excellent advice @ladybug111 ... from the outside looking in, it's easy for us to see your situation as just a usual normal interaction that happens between lots of kids.. completely non abusive due to the ages you were and the fact that you were both doing it (doesn't seem like anyone was forced to do anything)... but i also know that 100 people on here could answer you in this way, and it wouldn't change much about how you feel about it... which is why maybe talking with a therapist is about the factors which are making you feel so awful about this situation could be important... because it seems all of this is effecting and distorting your view of yourself.... and therein lies the damage..

In COCSA the key thing for the person being violated is whether they felt there was a power differential... that they had no control over... and were therefore forced to do things they didn't want to do or which hurt them... in the situation you describe above, it seems like your sister was fairly equal to you in the dynamic in that you both participated. Yes you were older, but you were only 10 yourself and age on it's own is not a power differential. Just a biological fact. It has to go hand in hand with superior knowledge for example. But from what you've written you guys were exploring what it meant to have female body parts. You thought back then it was harmless - and this is key. If you'd said you knew it was harmful but for some reason you continued there would be something messier to explore. But your intention at this age was too explore without harm.

So what if we really analyse what you've said too drill down a bit? As someone who experienced significant cocsa growing up, i read what you've written and can pull out some themes which are missing from your experience which, to me, doesn't make your experience cocsa, or you am abuser.

My personal opinion on it all (from the info you've shared) iis that you weren't trying to trick or coerce your sister in any way (physically or emotionally). You didn't try to persuade her into doing something by telling lies or pulling the wool over her eyes. You didn't guilt trip her. You didn't appear to want to use her for your own sexual gain and do whatever you needed to do in order for that to happen.

I'm not sure if any of that helps at all. I understand you still may feel negative about yourself and if you do I would explore talking in therapy about this. Because the damage for you will be the hiding of this, the secrecy, the holding of it on your own and not getting perspective which can lead to your sense of self and identity being shaped incorrectly and negatively. So do take this seriously to help yourself.... you haven't done anything wrong