Childhood did i experience COCSA?

[rac]

hello, i haven’t posted on this site before but i’m looking for some insight.
i just want to preface this that i’m afab and so is my friend. i think we were around 9-10 years old and we were having a sleepover. we were both experimenting and stuff with each other throughout it, but we were both clothed during it. a little bit later into the night my friend showed some of the things they used to masturbate. we went back onto the bed and they encouraged me to pull my pants down and use one of the things too. i assumed they meant for me to do that in the bathroom, but they said no and that we should do it right next to each other. i started getting really uncomfortable and kept on telling them no and that i didn’t want to but i easily succumbed to the pressure after they insisted a bunch and did it. i asked if we could stop minutes later because i felt like crying due to how uncomfortable i was and we did. the next day we swore we’d never tell anyone about anything that went on that night.

they’re still my best friend and i love them to death, we talk nearly everyday, but i just remember feeling mortified after it and feeling nauseous. i feel guilty about sharing this publicly but i think it’s caused a bit more damage than i realized since that was the start of me crying whenever sex was brought up. was it’s cocsa or am i just mislabeling normal experimentation?

 

[Rose White]

Whether it’s labeled as COCSA or not, you can still go to therapy to process your symptoms and feelings.

 

[Movingforward10]

When we say no and the other person insists, then in my opinion that is abusive. Our 'no' should be taken as a full and final say on the matter.

I agree with @Rose White. Whatever label you want to put on it the issue is that it is something that has impacted you and needs attention to help you feel better again.

Sometimes labels help, sometimes they don't.
The impact is the impact, with or without a label.

 

[Sideways]

Mod note:
rac - trigger warning removed. No need for them here. Be as frank as you need.

You can read more about that in the Community Constitution.

 

[Friday]

There’s a difference between COCSA & children experimenting sexually.

NEARLY ALL children experiment (over 99%, according to sex & sexuality research). Most (over 90%, ditto) with siblings. The other 9.9? With peers. A smallish minority of children experience COCSA, on one end or the other. Roughly 10%.

Why do those numbers not math? Because there is overlap.

The only children who DO NOT experiment sexually? Have severe physiological, neurological, or psychological disorders in play, or are abnormally isolated. But that less than 1%? Means even kids with serious physiological, neurological, & psych disorders in play experiment sexually. As do children with sexual abuse, “get to” be normal kids, doing normal kid things. It’s not always acting out abuse, even if they’ve been abused.

Where is the line between totally freaking normal & COCSA?

Were you, or they, abused sexually & are now acting out that abuse, rather than “just” being normal kids doing normal things?

Was YOUR experience COCSA, or just normal kids being normal? No idea

 

[beaneeboo]

I think you can save yourself the questions around was it cocsa or not (although I understand the need to do that - i would) and focus purely on what your body and mind are saying to you now. Mortified, nauseous, guilty, not being able to stop a situation you didn't feel ok in despite saying no. At the age you were even though it only happened once it's clearly bugging you enough now to reach out and ask these questions. So I think you can go seek help to process all this in a way where you can understand it your yourself, and on a bodily level, sort through the feelings and somatic sensations attached.

I wouldn't worry about whether you're friend was or wasn't being abusive. In cocsa damage can be done even with little or no intent from the other child to cause harm. But these are questions only you can answer for yourself and I'd do that with someone who can help you process it all with good experience in sa issues and preferably awareness of cocsa