EveHarrington
VIP Member
It’s finally over with the ex. I am working with my therapist to not internalize what he has done to me over the course of the relationship. Weaponized gifts was a HUGE issue, and I’m wondering how others have handled this kind of abusive behavior. I’ll give you a rundown.
Most holidays I’d get nothing. Zip, zilch, nada. Christmas, birthday, Valentine’s Day, etc, nothing.
One year, for Christmas, I got a few coloring books from the dollar store. This hurt as we’d already been seeing each other a few years. He treated me like I was a gold digger for being hurt over such a cheap, thoughtless, last minute gift.
That same year for Christmas I had gotten him a few practical gifts as he specifically asked for practical gifts. Well, he hated them so much that he never took them out of the box. About 6 months later, after a fight, they were dumped on my doorstep, still in the box.
He actually dumped lots of stuff on my doorstep over the years. At various points I’d left things at his house. A small blanket. An emergency baggie of meds. A stuffie. He’d get so mad that when we would fight, I’d get this stuff dumped on my doorstep. Obviously these weren’t gifts, but it adds to the pattern.
The last thing he dumped on my doorstep was a small thing I’d made for him, and a token of my love for him. The token was given to him at the beginning of the relationship. It was a special token that was sentimental. He dumped it on my doorstep, and like the coward he is, texted me to let me know after he drove away. That night I threw away almost everything that reminded me of him ie his pillow he left on my bed, some things we purchased together that reminded me of him (pretty low value), etc. The only thing I kept was the ring he bought me a few years ago. I had only worn it a few times as a) I LITERALLY owned it for a year and a half before he paid to have it resized, so it sat there unworn for a long time and b) I always felt it was on loan, and would be demanded back, because of how he is with gifts.
There were other incidents. It was to the point where I knew that if we had a fight, I should expect stuff dumped on my doorstep. This is why I tried to stop giving him anything, even a card (oh once I got a box of ripped up cards). I’ve blocked a lot out.
After the last incident I knew he’d never change. This wasn’t what caused the ultimate break, but was the last thing before it. I’ll probably post about it at some point soon. I cannot handle someone throwing gifts in my face like a five year old. If you don’t want my gifts, donate them or thrown them in the trash like a damn ADULT.
I told my therapist that I don’t know if I’ll be able to give gifts again, and she said to not let his actions affect me like that. We will continue to work through the issue as it’s a big one. (She’s not a bad therapist so I don’t want you to think she’s just giving me overly simplistic advice. It was the end of the session so we couldn’t go into it deeper.)
Has anyone else had to deal with this? How did you work through it? Thank you.
Edit. I never demanded gifts back from him. I bought him clothing on a few occasions. I think he kept some of it, but some was dumped on my doorstep.
Most holidays I’d get nothing. Zip, zilch, nada. Christmas, birthday, Valentine’s Day, etc, nothing.
One year, for Christmas, I got a few coloring books from the dollar store. This hurt as we’d already been seeing each other a few years. He treated me like I was a gold digger for being hurt over such a cheap, thoughtless, last minute gift.
That same year for Christmas I had gotten him a few practical gifts as he specifically asked for practical gifts. Well, he hated them so much that he never took them out of the box. About 6 months later, after a fight, they were dumped on my doorstep, still in the box.
He actually dumped lots of stuff on my doorstep over the years. At various points I’d left things at his house. A small blanket. An emergency baggie of meds. A stuffie. He’d get so mad that when we would fight, I’d get this stuff dumped on my doorstep. Obviously these weren’t gifts, but it adds to the pattern.
The last thing he dumped on my doorstep was a small thing I’d made for him, and a token of my love for him. The token was given to him at the beginning of the relationship. It was a special token that was sentimental. He dumped it on my doorstep, and like the coward he is, texted me to let me know after he drove away. That night I threw away almost everything that reminded me of him ie his pillow he left on my bed, some things we purchased together that reminded me of him (pretty low value), etc. The only thing I kept was the ring he bought me a few years ago. I had only worn it a few times as a) I LITERALLY owned it for a year and a half before he paid to have it resized, so it sat there unworn for a long time and b) I always felt it was on loan, and would be demanded back, because of how he is with gifts.
There were other incidents. It was to the point where I knew that if we had a fight, I should expect stuff dumped on my doorstep. This is why I tried to stop giving him anything, even a card (oh once I got a box of ripped up cards). I’ve blocked a lot out.
After the last incident I knew he’d never change. This wasn’t what caused the ultimate break, but was the last thing before it. I’ll probably post about it at some point soon. I cannot handle someone throwing gifts in my face like a five year old. If you don’t want my gifts, donate them or thrown them in the trash like a damn ADULT.
I told my therapist that I don’t know if I’ll be able to give gifts again, and she said to not let his actions affect me like that. We will continue to work through the issue as it’s a big one. (She’s not a bad therapist so I don’t want you to think she’s just giving me overly simplistic advice. It was the end of the session so we couldn’t go into it deeper.)
Has anyone else had to deal with this? How did you work through it? Thank you.
Edit. I never demanded gifts back from him. I bought him clothing on a few occasions. I think he kept some of it, but some was dumped on my doorstep.
