General What about when a supporter is traumatized?

[Pippi427]

I spend most of my time chatting as a supporter. I have an issue in my personal life, completely unrelated to my sufferer, that is causing me trauma. I am being stalked.

My Sufferer, L, knows about this and has from the day he met me. Law enforcement is involved 100%. L works in family services and completely supports the steps I am taking for justice. Just last last week was really bad. The police actually located my stalker and we are very close to charges. It caused a panic attack and I didn't leave home for 2 days. I am afraid the person is going to start trying to get revenge on me for turning them in.

I let L know what was going on and how I was feeling. I felt guilty for leaning on him for support, but I wanted to try. I asked him how to keep functioning when I was petrified. Is this a bad idea? It did not go badly. I am often worried about putting too much of my trauma on him right now.

What do you all do when you have to face the nasty side of life? I have a supportive family and circle of friends. It just feels nice to have your partner on your side. I don't want to trigger or cause injury to him, though.

 

[Chris-duck]

I'm sorry about the situation you're in just now, that really sucks. As for confiding in L, I don't see an issue, I'm a sufferer and I consider it up to me to decide what I can and can't deal with and wouldn't want any of my friends or family to feel like they can't tell me what's going on with them. Unless he shows some signs of not coping with this then I'd say keep going as you are, you can check in once or twice with him to ease your own mind about it but try not to overdo it if he appears to be managing and hasn't indicated otherwise it's really up to him. I'm sure he's just glad he's able to support you on this occasion.

 

[Pippi427]

Thanks @Chris-duck. watching for signs he's not dealing is a good idea. So far so good, though. He has a strong belief in justice and wants me to have mine. My breakdown last week also reminded me of how he might feel when he is triggered. Makes me have a lot of compassion and understanding.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm so sorry @pipi427 :eek: :( .

Agree with @Chris-duck . Being involved in 'life', especially if we care, is one of the few things that makes it worthwhile or 'normal'.

And thanks for being so kind. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Just to add another thought, (just for me personally), there's nothing worse than not being kept in the loop. And I usually can sense or feel when something is not right, or something is going on, and my mind will be left to determine what that is (correctly or incorrectly). That will translate to suspicions or uncertainty and mistrust, (with a healthy dose of self-doubt), and that = unsafety, to me. And that is intolerable and too fearful to endure.

 

[Pippi427]

Just to add another thought, (just for me personally), there's nothing worse than not being kept in the...

That is the path my therapist took me down. "How would you feel if he didn't say something to you?" He does care. He says so all the time.
He also seems to have the pieces to deal with this issue, so I will keep him in the loop. In his profession, he deals with child abuse and family violence, so I think he actually has a skill set for dealing with victims of domestic violence, stalking and harassment.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes. I think having information gives either more perception of safety, or even just time to process. And a feeling of inclusion, or competency. I think too it might depend on his trauma(s), if it/ (they) were interpersonal in nature, or if there are reminders.

Hope it's resolved soon! :( :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Sorry, one last after-thought..

JMHO, but I think there can be confusion that stress is all equal. In the sense of the stress cup, I think it is. However, if, for example, he cares about you, it could cause more stress to not know, as you said, if he wants to help/ protect/ support you, or his is loyal. And if he found out later you didn't say, perhaps he would feel hurt, +/or that you think he's not competent, +/ or don't trust him. I think, too, most people want to be treated as 'normal'.

But if he equates 'you' to a trigger, then all that's desired (at least with avoidance, or unmanaged symptoms)- or at least is tempting- is to put as much distance between himself and the trigger (which has been associated with/ as 'you'). But here, the 'enemy' (problem) is this (awful! :( ) stalker.

 

[EveHarrington]

...why do you want a partner who cannot support you?

Are you betting on him changing?

Or are you willing to make this sacrifice?

If this is a sacrifice on your part, then I wonder why you’re in this relationship.

Can you see going your whole life with a partner who cannot support you?

Why would you even consider a relationship like that?

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @Pippi427 - totally agree with you telling your partner about this bloody stalker.

Completely agree with everything @Junebug mentioned too.

We need to be treated as normally as possible. Everyone has their moments but you are really kind to be considering his health even when you are feeling so unsettled.

Having a stalker involved in your life means there is a stalker in his life too and he needs to know about this for that reason.

Hope it resolves soon.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes agree also entirely with @blackemerald1 .

 

[Justmehere]

I asked him how to keep functioning when I was petrified. Is this a bad idea?

No, this a good idea. Remember. He’s an adult who can manage his boundaries. I also agree that he would have picked up on it anyhow. Communication is key.

Plus, it can be healing to help another.