What Am I Doing Wrong That I Am....?

[J_trustno1]

Attracting bullies at work?

It's been happening since day one since I started work. Here is an update of what's happened over almost 2 weeks at work :

1. The first person from my group has been talking about work being boring and this job is shit. He told me not once but every day unti day 4 of my job to quit because I am too qualified for it.

2. This lady also in my group also telling me that I am too qualified for this shit job and I told her that I have applied for lots of jobs , over 250, but never accepted and I needed work. She told me not to do too much here because you are never promoted. She said she's doing this job to pay the bills.

3. These two ladies, of which one is around my age and is also Indian + singer. The other lady is in late 40s. The one who was my age invited me to have lunch with them on fourth day at work, thenwe caught the bus home together. It's obvious that she made the first step so I had to make the second step. So I asked to join for lunch the next day. I did that on the following day. The third day after, I felt that it should be them also need to do the same but they didn't. I went to the cafeteria and they were having lunch. I went at the exact time as previous times but this day they said they had yo rush etc etc... i haven't heard anything from them since then. So I'm pretty much ditched but I know that I can survive own my own like I have in the past.

4. Met this Asian girl who is geotechnical engineer on 6th day of work. She asked what I have studied. I said I did masters in chemical and materials engineering. Her question was "what are you doing here?" I again told the story how it was hard for me to get a job.

5. Today is my day 9 at work. This new guy who's done masters in geology has joined. He asked about my project and told him about it. Then he was talking about his project. Later in the day he asked why are you on this floor, you should go to level 2 to do water stuff or environmental engineering since your thesis was more related to those areas. I said that I have recently started and I don't want to run away! He said you are specialized in chemistry and should do something relating to that. I again told him that I could not find a job. He said you should've thrown more cvs. I said i did over 250 cvs but couldn't get anywhere. He said that his friend who also did geology got a job in a lab as a technicia and you are probably more qualified in chemistry than him. He then said, have you shown your cv to professionals? I said , "Yes".

I'm now starting to feel thatI have no place to be at. Just because I have a different qualification, I am not needed? I keep getting random shit from people. Please advice.

Thanks.

 

[Justmehere]

When others ask why you are there... there is 3 other possible interpretations (and probably many more) 1.) you are sharing with them too much about your past qualifications due to your own insecurities 2.) you are doing an AMAZING job (highly likely) 3.) they simply hate their own job.

It doesn't seem so much like you are being bullied as it seems like people at your workplace have poor morale. You could apply for other departments, or ask for a transfer, but I think you are wise to wait a little while. Build up a good track record, show your bosses you can do the best you can do at the tasks you are assigned to do, regardless of qualifications or of the crappy feelings others have about the job.

 

[J_trustno1]

But they are the ones who are asking about my qualifications. I don't tell them without them asking :(.

 

[anonymous]

Honestly, I don't think you're doing anything wrong! Let's break this down....

Guy... He's a miserable jerk who likes to spread the misery by putting other people down. Throw it back on him so that it is a reflection of who HE is rather than a reflection of who you are. (Because, after all, it is all about him, right?)

Lady....Ugh, she sounds pretty miserable too, right? I mean its EASY for someone with a job to complain about it when they don't know your personal circumstances. Pay her no heed....

Two ladies....I don't think you were ditched. Sometimes new friendships start out slow. You don't need to have it all or nothing, right? That is, the friendship doesn't have to build day after day. Maybe the two ladies were talking about something private between the two of them. It isn't necessarily a rejection of you, but you are taking it that way.

Engineer girl.....don't listen to her, either. Should her opinion of you matter? Nope!

Geology guy.....he doesn't know your personal situation, either!

None of these people are "bullies" by what you have described. They are just individuals who are pushing their opinions on you. It is your job to take it or leave it. If its not helpful, throw it away. Actually, you'll encounter this (and MUCH worse!) throughout life, so its good to be able to "put up your shield" and deflect the negativity. Let it wash off you like water on a duck. The truth is that negativity is all around us. We can't change the world, but we CAN change how we deal with this negativity.

 

[Friday]

But they are the ones who are asking about my qualifications.

Just because someone asks you something, does not obligate you to reply, much less in full.

 

[illusionist]

This reminds me of when I start new job. I have a Scottish accent and live in England. People naturally latch onto something to basically be friendly and start up conversation and be nosey...with me, it's my accent. I get the same old all the time..."what are you doing down here?"....." why would you want to live here"...."oh if I had a choice I wouldn't be here"...and on and on they go. I normally use humour to answer their questions without giving anything away. They really are not bullying, they're actually trying to be nice.....to be sociable.

 

[BlueAmber]

These people really need to leave those kinds of opinions to themselves.. how you are over qualified for the job. Maybe they are a bit jealous of your accomplishments. In a work situation like that, it's hard to maintain the job.When you don't feel like part of the team, it's really difficult to continue working without feeling annoyed and maybe even angry. I really hope it works out for you. If not, you're skills, knowledge, and determination will be appreciated somewhere Else, as Sometimes it's so hard to be tactful when the same issue is being brought up by more than one person. No one should be told repetitively something that can potentially annoy or hurt them. Unfortunately there are those ignorant people out there. Hang in there and don't let them drive you away until you choose that option.

 

[Justmehere]

Just because someone asks you something, does not obligate you to reply, much less in full.

Exactly. People ask me a lot of questions that if I answered them, they would give me crap back... not because I'm a bad person but because they don't know me or my life story. I used to answer the questions myself. It didn't go well. So when I'm on the job, and it is not close friends, I tell people vague answers like, "oh, I've been all over the place." Or "my life has taken a few twists and turns but I am here now." And the best way to answer - change the subject and ask about them. People generally love to talk about themselves... So let them talk about them. :)

 

[J_trustno1]

You guys are right. I have given too much information and even told about one of horrible supervisor and one good supervisor who supervised me in my masters thesis. I'm feeling miserable for having to tell them too much detail. Argh!! I hate being a motor mouth. God just shoot me :(. Why can't I just keep things to myself and not reveal too much about myself to people? I always end up revealing too much too soon that I end up with jerks who put me down constantly.

Back in 2012-2013, I was going through shit load of things at home. My abuser, mum's narcissistic brother lived in our house, then one of my masters supervisors were like him, I was making friends with people who were either too negative, used my weakness against me, or laughed at me or ditched m. At one stage I nearly got raped in 2013 by a so called friend and his wife. That time I was doing my study. I think I just attract assholes. I had this friend, who was telling me to quit masters because of my supervisor and what I told him about my family history (i.e. mum's brother and my father). Although I haven't revealed anything about my family to people at work but I am telling too much about my uni life. Argh!! I'm just horrible :(. I always answer honestly :(.

Note: I complained about the first guy because he was giving me shit every single day. I told about him to my team leader and she passed the message to the manager. He doesn't bother me anymore. However, I cannot keep complaining about people because I am not a primary school kid and if I do too much complaining then they will think that I have social issues and I am the one who has problems. I really want to keep this job and I don't want them kicking me out.

Lastly, the guy who started work today, was telling me to go do PhD because this is not the place for me. I asked him if he really has a problem with me? He initially started of nice, he was talking about how he enjoyed his masters and wanted to do a PhD so we shared the same thoughts. However, towards the end of the day, tables had turned and he was annoying me. Am I just a fool that people can pick on any time they wish to? :(

 

[Justmehere]

Argh!! I hate being a motor mouth. God just shoot me :(. Why can't I just keep things to myself and not reveal too much about myself to people? I always end up revealing too much too soon that I end up with jerks who put me down constantly.

First of all, you do not deserve to be shot because you talked too much. If people deserved lethal punishment or even any punishment at all for sharing too much or complaining on the job too much, then most of the people on the Internet, including me, along with most of my professors in college, along with most employees would be in a world of hurt.

You are a bright young woman in a new job who is learning what to say and when to say it. I know 60 year old women just beginning to learn that lesson! I know people who have never learned it at all.

It's not the worst thing to do and even if you shared your life story to everyone you met, it's not grounds for people to pick on you.

You have had the strength of character to notice a pattern you don't like and may make your vulnerable to negative responses from people.

Do you know how many people do the exact same things and never have the courage to look at themselves and sort it out? The vast majority of people.

I really think you have something to be proud of in all of this.

You can see it as an opportunity to beat yourself up, or as an opportunity to learn how to have stronger boundaries.

Be as kind to you as possible. :hug:

 

[Digz]

I guess there are several things happening here, or could be. The first - people could simply be asking about your qualifications out of curiosity and to be friendly - they might also think they are being helpful, if they genuinely think you're over-qualified for your job, they may just be suggesting these things to help you out. It's probably not this - but sometimes, I find thinking of it on the positive side helps - because then it no longer affects your emotions if you believe they are trying to help you.
Another, more likely possibility is that people are threatened by you and your good qualifications. That's fine, it's normal for people to feel this way, especially before they get to know someone.
When people ask you about your qualifications and why you work there, think about how you can end the conversation, but in a positive way...
It might be something as simple as saying, 'I'm not interested in finding other work. I really enjoy working here.'

 

[J_trustno1]

Thank you @Justmehere , your answer has really helped. I have always criticised myself for saying things that I don't to say. This pattern has been going on with me ever since I was a teenager where I was guilty for all this. However, back then I didn't notice the pattern but I always put myself through so much guilt, putting myself down and even swearing at myself. But now I am seeing that this is my problem and I have already mentioned it in therapy last time. I know that I am struggling a lot with boundaries and creating a shield but I don't want to give up on that journey. I still behave like the 12 year old deprived girl who was forced into child labor. Although my body is of a 27 yr old woman but mentally I feel like that little girl who didn't have a childhood, didn't know what it was to be like a teenager and I guess this is what my 27yr old self is doing. But I really want to grow up and be in control because not everyone is a friend in this world especially at work.

@Digz: Yes, you are right. They have told me that my qualification is impressive and they wonder why I am here. Seriously, I think you are right about people being threatened. I probably need to tone it down a bit. From now I'm only going to tell that I have a Bachelors degree in Statistics and Chemistry. I will not tell about my masters if it hurts people that much. I'll do my work with pure dedication but will pretend to be below average in front of them so they are not intimidated.