General What Am I Supposed To Say?

[Hope135]

It's been months since my significant other's ptsd has been out of control, he's fallen into this deep dark hole and is just so full of despair and I want to help, God i've never wanted to help someone so much.
We haven't talked much in about a month, more so in the last two weeks, I hear from him every other day, a few texts, just checking in, giving me some sort of update, and sometimes i'm lucky enough to get a few hours with him on Skype but even then he never really contributes to the conversation, a lot of one or two worded replies, I mostly go on and on about random stuff to keep him distracted. For the most part I've just been giving him space and letting him initiate when we talk.

Sometimes though, he does open up about how he's doing (he's seeing a therapist and taking medication), he'll tell me about how he's actually been, and he says things like "this is the worst time of my life", "this is going to leave some deep scars" and "I'll never be the same person again"

My question is, how do I respond to that? Do I keep saying I'm sorry, and that I'm sorry he has to go through this? Do I keep telling him that we are going to get through this, not to give up hope? Do I just send a little sad face? It seems that he shuts down after I say I'm sorry or that we'll get through this, I can't tell him that I'll love him after this has passed, that I'll love the scars and I'll accept the new him because we never got that far in the relationship, we never admitted to being in love with each other but damn do I love this man...

Any advice would be appreciated, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say when he tells me these things..

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

I know it's not easy.

This is just a personal preference, but I'd shy away from sending smiley faces or emojis. The rest sounds ok, but I'd shy away from overdoing it as that could add pressure to him.

It might be good to talk about whatever in order to provide some distraction----for both of you. I'm not saying to completely ignore the issues, but it's probably best to not focus on his struggles exclusively.

I think he's lucky to have you to support him.

 

[Baymax]

I could so easily have written this post :hug:

There is a TedX talk that Brene Brown gives on empathy (there is also an animated version of a small segment by RSA on youtube) that I have found really useful

 

[Friday]

It really depends on the person themselves & their mood at the moment how they'll take anything.

One day? That will be perfect for one person. The next? The worst possible thing in the world to say.

My baseline advice is to -simply- be yourself. That way if things fail? They failed for good reason, and not because you were trying to be someone or something else.

But I tend to look on the dark side of things ;) AKA what's the worst that can happen? Plan for that, and then everything that happens that's better than that? Bonus! Score! Awesome :smug:

 

[WillyKat]

The responses above are pretty good.

Often, healing starts when we can begin to change the perspective. If he says something like "this is the worst time of my life", you could say (gently, at a time you think he's ready) to say that doing that painful work is ultimately a good beginning to something very positive. About the scars, yes, but its not the therapy that's giving him the scars, therapy is the pain that comes with treating them. And he's correct, he'll never be quite the same, but it was the trauma that changed things, not the therapy.

There comes a time in therapy where anger and denial have to give way to acceptance of the scars, of the change, and of the struggle. As others have said, you can't rush that process; he has to realize it himself.

There's a book that helped me a lot, and there are threads on the site about good books for PTSD. The one I'm thinking of is by Glen Schiraldi called the PTSD Sourcebook.

By the way, bless you for loving him. He's lucky to have you around. Too many sufferers never find someone like you.

 

[mstyusa]

I feel this way often. The man I love suffers from PTSD it's hard. There are days I feel like no matter what I say it's wrong. I keep trying if he removes himself from being around me I let him. When he's in a better state of mind I remind him that I care and I'll always be there to listen whenever he needs me or feels he's able to talk. I know my guy is trying so hard and it is exhausting work for him to deal with all the issues and pain he's facing. Sounds like your guy is going through the same thing. I came to this site because I needed to feel that I was not alone in this. I find empowerment here and I go on to love him another day. I keep telling him we're a team and we'll take it one day at a time some days he's accepting of that from me some days he's not. He's worth the struggle so I keep on trying. I pray you find the strength to keep on trying too.