What Am I?

[Witmaster]

I don't know where to start.

I wait till everyone has gone to bed. Then I pour myself drinks.

I have no sexual desire to be with my wife.

I'm only comfortable when my pistol is within reach.

Sometimes, I do a functions check...even chamber a round just to do it. When I feel the round slip into the chamber, it feels relieving. I then clear and lock the weapon...wtf was I thinking?

Less than three months ago, I was lauded as a hero among citizens. Today, I don't know. I'm a sub human piece of shit who can barely face himself in the mirror.

I've had a few drinks so I'm not going to try and elaborate too deeply. I know my perception is impaired and my judgment altered.

It's weird. I was never in a fire fight. I've never killed anyone. Yet, I've been to multiple combat deployments and every time I come home...it's expected. "Who did you kill"; "Did you shoot anyone?"; "Did you get any of those ****ers for me?"; "Did you get hit?"...... No. None of that. So what am I?

I didn't have the luxury of choosing my battles. They were chosen for me. I never pictured myself as someone who deserved special recognition for actions performed in combat. Quite the opposite. I prefer to put other (more deserving) soldiers forward to receive props.

Nonetheless, my country called me to go to "war". I went. I followed orders. I did my duty. I returned home.

Yet here I am...wondering just what the **** I'm supposed to be.

I hate this...I'm supposed to be the leader. The one people look to. I feel like the exact opposite.

My wife, God bless her, has endured so much. 2 deployments. Multiple separations. Still. She sees me as the center of her world. I feel like a black hole.

I am a master of deception. I put up this front and project the man everyone perceives to be "large and in charge." God if they only knew the truth.

Financially, we're now on the ropes. I returned home to discover massive pay cut. My wife had quit her job to pursue full-time real estate. Seemed like a good idea at the time but the real estate market went town the toilet and, subsequently so did our savings to make ends meet. We've hemorrhaged everything just to pay bills.

My job, where I make less than 45% of the average person in my same position, has consistently justified my pathetic salary by claiming my military deployments have prevented me from receiving a proper "performance evaluation", and therefore they cannot fairly evaluate and promote me against other peers. "It's not fair to promote you," I was told, despite the fact I have faithfully given them 110% for the past 13 years.

The critical punch came when I spoke to my Manager, a Former Marine (like me), whom I thought would understand. He said, "You need to decide which is more important, your commitment to the guard or your career here at [my employer]."

My heart broke, no...it ****ing shattered. All these years I thought my employer would support my sacrifice to the safety and security of this Nation. I was wrong.

So, my promotion was nixed. In fact, my salary was cut due to increased co-payments and insurance premiums. My monthly deductions went from a couple hundred dollars a month to nearly 1 grand. Financially...I'm doomed.

We've now resorted to taking cash advances from our credit cards to pay the bills (mainly the mortgage). We know this won't last.

So here I am. Staring at the oncoming train that is about to collide with everything we have worked so hard to achieve. To make maters worse, the economy is plummeting deeper into despair. I cannot get a second job to save my life.

I now find myself fantasizing about suicide. I think about where I'll go. The note I'll leave. Will I shoot myself in the head or through the chest. I actually weigh out the possibility that my family may want an open casket funeral. Will I even want to be seen after such a cowardice act?

Is it cowardice? My family is on the verge of complete financial desolation. My life insurance would more than cover all out outstanding debts and secure a financial future for them. What is more selfish...staying alive to prolong this misery and see everything I love dissolve into dust, or lay down my life to ensure they have a home and financial security?

God I don't want to die. I know HE doesn't want me to either. I try to remain calm and faithful that things will work out. It's hard. Very hard.

So what the **** am I? Is this PTSD? Is this normal?? God Damn I feel like some kind of candy assed piece of shit. I've seen and know people who have endured extreme challenges that far surpass my own. Yet...still I struggle. Still I seek a solution that remains ever-elusive.

I guess you could say I am reaching out. This is the first time I've done anything like this.

I'm anxious. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm scared. I used to never be like this.

What the hell has happened to me?!?

 

[goingonhope]

Hello Witmaster,

Welcome to the forum. As I read your introductory post, I was feeling like I was reading a personal story from within the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I read that book you know, as I have both PTSD and the disease of alcoholism. And, still figure I do many yrs. later, according to how I understand the disease description of that horrible illness.

As for whom you are, and what you may or may not have, I wish I could be of more help, but this all get's determined by life, doctors, your daily dealings/affairs and yourself and the ability to find and/or hold faith in something.

Wishing you vast improvements to how you're feeling, how things are right now and how you're doing. And, I do so hope you figure things out and find the proper diagnosis and help that you need.

My Regards,
Hope

 

[disenchanted]

Welcome to the forum.
Reaching out is good. There's good people here in the forum, good listeners and in the mental health community there are people who can help you figure out what's going on as far as a diagnosis and what to do about your troubles.

You are not alone. Many people who have been very successful and given everything their best still feel the things you are feeling. It isn't unusual and it isn't failure though I know it might feel that way now.

Hang in there. I always tell my clients, if you managed to make it this far, and look at some of the tough things you did, you can make it through this too.

So, like I said, welcome. Stay. Read. And if you can share, share. It's good.

Cat

 

[Nicolette]

I guess you could say I am reaching out. This is the first time I've done anything like this.

Welcome to the forum Witmaster and well done on having the courage to reach out. You will find a lot of valuable information here plus a lot of people with a wealth of knowledge which they willingly share.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Witmaster,

Welcome to the forum......I haven't been in the service, but I wanted to thank you for your service, and the job that you all do to keep the world safe.. I can't imagine how it must be for those who do the job that you do.

All of us here can and do understand where you are coming from with your feelings, and issues. We understand the need to numb up, with drinking, or drugs, or anything else that will take the edge off.

Many of us can also understand the need to end it all, to try and make it all go away. I think after my last attempt, I finally figured it out(for me) I wanted the pain, the memories, the flashbacks, the anxiety, the hurt, and everything else to just go away.......

What I didn't know is that it can, for the most part, with a ton of work, and commitment on your part to do the work. To face your trauma, and emotions head on, and to tear them apart piece by piece. To work on them, to examine them, and then reexamine them over and over again, till you have them to a level that they no longer hurt.

Suicide isn't the answer.......Working on your trauma is......You are strong, and you can do this......I know that right now you don't feel this way, and things look bleak, but it can get better.....

Hang in there..........You are worthy of having your life back, even if it's a little bit altered from what it was before.

I hope to *see* you around here more often......

 

[sky dancer]

Dear Witmaster,

Reaching out is a really good thing. I'm glad you found your way to the forum. I can only speak for myself. I'm working with a therapist, who specializes in PTSD and addictions, and I'm taking an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication.

I have good support in my wife, and friends, and spiritual community--yet it's not easy. It's a lonely feeling dealing with depression, panic, intrusive violent thoughts, anger, and sadness.

My addiction ironically enough is forum posting. What's changing is that I'm seeking to 'get real' about what's bothering me instead of arguing with people in political forums.

I've been addicted to getting into fights about politics and picking the meanest, nastiest posters to tangle with. My T thinks it's 'trauma bonding' re-enactment.

So, I have a few strategies in place for my forum addicition, which include blocking myself from entering political forum sites, putting an internet use time limit on the computer, and carrying several cards around with me that remind me of the benefits and harm of certain kinds of internet use.

It's working so far. The more I block the internet addiction, the more I have to deal with what I've been avoiding--which are all these inconvenient and uncomfortable feelings.

Stick around. You're in good company.

 

[Jestadud]

You're a man.

A man who is having a difficult time right now, but you are not alone and you are not a failure.
Don't stay up looking for "My time of the day now"
You can adjust. The world is a bit different but you can adjust.

Jesta

 

[fin]

Witmaster welcome, you have taken that first step coming here, you are not alone in this here. There are many I am sure that you will be able to relate to. And you will learn a lot about how to cope with some of what is coming up for you.

Please try to read here, it will help you to cope. And please dont think any more of suicide, I know it is hard what you are feeling right now, but please remember you have family that love you. Draw strength and try to begin to see that you can start to heal these wounds inside you.

I came here and thought it would take me an eternity, but already I can see some differences in me now.

Please know you are not alone and see that the alternative can wait longer, that one is a permanent choice with no going back from. So give this a chance because i am telling you it can work for you. This forum will help you, it really will. You are first and foremost a wonderful human being, and before you go thinking you can't hear that kind of thing, get used to it.

You are valued and worth so much more than you can maybe possibly imagine right now, more than money. It will begin to start to get better as you work on it. It wont be easy and it will take time, but this is a better investment for you than suicide is for your financial problems. I dont want to sound like I am making light, because I know how hard it is to manage financially....but it is just money and it will never be able to replace you if you kill yourself, no matter how much you might think it would help your family....IT WONT.

So you have made a start and now you are here, write and read and be encouaged by this place. It will help you to see and learn that you are not alone and can work through this.

Welcome
~fin