What Anger, Fear And Guilt Are Telling Us

[James B.]

Hello everyone,

Became familiar with the idea of anger as a secondary emotion a while back. Someone who once posted here put it in this nutshell: anger is loss, frustration and fear. Since I like putting things in a nutshell, making them “portable” or “pocket size” I went with that and it seemed to fit. For me it’s useful to sometimes try and distill (otherwise) complex concepts into a simple form; something I can take with me and use on the fly in a day to day real-world setting.

OK. This video kind of shed new light on my understanding of anger. Also fear and guilt. Now, the type of guilt discussed in this video is, let’s say, the “real kind.” Eg: “I yelled at someone unnecessarily and now I feel guilty”. This does not relate to the distorted sense of guilt that many trauma survivors experience. Eg: “I am to blame for my families problems, etc". The concept of atonement in this video may seem radical (or narrow) also. And may in some ways be it’s weakest point?

Still, there is enough thought provoking material in it - stuff that resonated pretty clearly for me - to follow through and post it. The stuff about denial works for me, and I have to admit I was in denial about, for instance: how much I loathe my family. Was in denial about how much they actually bugged me, and sought to suppress it for years. Decades even.

Anyway, here’s some ideas on what anger, fear and guilt are telling us. Enjoy. :smile:

 

[seedling]

James, I really liked this video. Thanks for posting this. I spend most of the time I have on the computer trying to keep up with reading on the forum so I don't have time (or head space!) right now to search for stuff like this.

About guilt - I think I am having a hard time dealing with the "victimizer's" guilt, the people that caused this trauma to our family. In a twist on dealing with guilt, I don't like to think about their true guilt for what happened. I think how terrible I would feel if it were me that caused it to happen and I can't want to "make" them feel like that. They don't as yet seem to have even felt their guilt, they still minimize the situation and think of it as an accident.

On the atonement - is it not important to try to help your victim feel better? Is it OK to do a personal atonement and not worry about if the victim knows what you've done to try to atone? Maybe guilt is such a tough one because to atone and get past it you would have to face whatever you did and feel sorry for it.

Some of my thoughts after seeing this, thanks.

 

[James B.]

Thank you very much for your feedback seedling. This is a comment from a viewer and a reply from lorax2013.

Viewer:
“What if someone murders my relatives? And I feel anger? Is that also denial? What kind of denial is that?”

Lorax2013:
“IMO, we tend to get angry at people who commit murder because we are in denial that someone could do such a thing. However, we accept that an animal/bacteria could kill us so we don't usually get mad at the culprit in those cases - instead we just move to the next phase (sadness) while taking logical action to minimize the risk in the future (the logical action may of course include punishing the culprit or killing the animal/bacteria as a deterrent).”

In my own life, denial about the reality of my father, that anyone could be so cruel and effect his familial milieu to the extent that he did. It was the hardest pill I have ever had to swallow. Stepping down from any false ego pretense, and admitting the harsh reality of my own heritage has been perhaps the pivotal step. As if letting my grasp go, and simply not denying the truth any longer.

Today I recognized my own vulnerability driving. How I have been (to an extent) in denial about my actual lack of control on the road, and the very real degree to which some drivers scare me. I needed to deny it, am not supposed to really feel that stuff. It’s not supposed to bother me. :smile:

 

[Philippa]

Thanks, this helped to hear someone speak about this in a straight forward way.