What Brought Me Here?

[Dan L]

I'm getting divorced after 18+ years and two grown kids and I just can't FEEL anything. Living in a seperate room with the door locked and haven't said a word to anyone I walk by in the house in the last two months. Pictures pouring in from Facebook from the family I came from shows they're enjoying other's company as I lay in my bed alone on Christmas Eve. God, I hate the f*cking hiolidays. Thoughts in my mind as I toss and turn are: I pray that I don't wake up.... what's a quick way to go... If I aim the gun in the roof of my mouth will it be painless? But I'm sure it will be messy as hell...how long will it take to die if I stop eating?... should move to Oregon and try to get an euthanasia prescription... should move to Colorado or Alaska and just get stoned for a month to see if that helps...lost and alone...If I move will my kids never speak to me again?... am I ever going to work a full time stable job again?... if I do work full time again, will the VA taketh away that which is sustaining me right now?... I feel so useless and trapped. Stuck back in my foxhole waiting for shit to hit the fan.

My wife filed for divorce because of my irradict off and on... tired of the PTSD bullshit and she never really wanted to learn about how to help me cope and she has too much pride and self reliance to admit anything she may have contributed. To me, divorce just seems like legal terms, I've already been divorced emotionally from humanity for some time.

I just want to put all this war shit behind me and be able to seek comfort in other people. I'm in my forties so the likelihood of me reaching out to are very slim.

The good news is that I've been going to church and have been fasting, longest has been for 3 days, I plan on going 7 days next month... it seems to help me feel like I have some control in my life.

 

[Grizzly]

Welcome to the site @Dan L. You sound link you are in a bad place right now. Have you tried therapy? I may require you to switch around between therapists before you find a fit.

Also sounds like there is a lot of depression going on. This needs taken a look at closer. There is some hope, but it takes some work.

As far as your benefit go, You can go to work under certain circumstances with your S/C compensation. Hit me up on PM and I can discuss more specifics if you need.

 

[Dan L]

Thanks @Grizzly ... Been going to VA therapist 2x per month and now 1x per month for the last 1 yr. Was on Zoloft and Xanax a few years back which both helped but I hated taking meds because the mental dullness, I'd be talking and forget midway through what I was talking about. So I've been off all drugs for a year now. I think my depression is from not being able to get my shit together... (aside from my relationship problems), I'm physically capable but problems with irritability and this freaking loud ringing in both my ears. Sorry if it sounds like I'm complaining. I may get back on Xanax just to get some sleep and alleviate some of this irritability but that stuff is so hard to get off of.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Welcome.
Try not to beat yourself up too bad Dan, I still don't have my shit together yet either.
But I'm getting there. Right now might not be the best time to have firearms around, do you have somebody who can hold onto them in a weapons safe?

I used pot for awhile to alleviate the irritability and bad moods and over all grumpy ness. It had me smiling and laughing and relaxed.
But doesn't help when it comes to employment and I think over all I used it for too damn long that it started playing into my paranoia and I wouldn't want to leave the house high. A sort of feeling of not being able to fight correctly if need be while under the influence.

Its all trial and error. What doesn't or didn't work before put it to the side and try something new to replace it.

 

[Dan L]

Thanks for the insight on the marijuana @Manonfire. At this point, I will try anything... I was reading about some low to no THC strains that helped others. Also, I researched the MAPS program which is trying to legalize MDMA for PTSD treatment but won't freaking get done with trials until 2021! ..... supposedly it will be the best thing to curing it.

Until then, If I can just find something to keep me mentally busy in that would help. However, I find it increasingly difficult to plan my days or anything for that matter. I got used to NOT planning things for many years because it would cause anxiety so I kinda just live day to day.

 

[abnvet]

Thanks for the insight on the marijuana @Manonfire.
Until then, If I can just find something to keep me mentally busy in that would help.

Welcome aboard. I hit this board on and off over the years when the though comes to me.
I agree with trying to find something to keep mentally busy. At this point I'm still working, although don't know for how long. It is difficult to find something to substitute situation(s) that happened during a war. Our minds (my mind) still craves it. Some people think this is ridiculous, asking why I'd ever miss chaos??? It's not the chaos, it's the fact that my buddies where there protecting me as I was for them. We were all in the chaos.....

 

[Dan L]

Thanks @Abnvet . Although mine was some time ago. I found myself craving to go back because it was "real" life and not this phony bullshit civilian life and I also found that the chaos somehow made me feel calmer.

 

[combatgoldfish]

I wouldn't define it as chaos. Sure, there are moments of it. Of course those moments of chaos feed that adrialine high that many of use try to chase when we come home.

War is simplistic. Everything you do is needed and has purpose bigger than yourself.

As far as cannabis, some good things are coming from CBD and there's a few strains out there you can find that won't hinder daily life and get you more active and normal. A lot of trail and error. Leafly is a good app and has a lot of information about a lot of strains out there being offered.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Welcome Dan, Semper Fi! (FMF - 9th MEB Danang RVN 1965)

Stuck back in my foxhole waiting for shit to hit the fan.

Yup, that's an option for sure. BUT, your here and hoping for some guidance good start!

Frankly, your avatar brings me back to a place I never want to be again. Been there - done that. Only it was 50 years ago - I came out of a blackout with a loaded S/W .38 in front of me on the kitchen table. It took me over 40 years and therapy to deal with the reality of the trigger.

Besides, quickly dumping the the VN war trophy in a nearby river, I still don't think I had the balls to do it. In the end I realized it would have only transferred my guilt on to others not responsible for my issues. FEAR (f*ck Everything And Run) or Adapt, Improvise and Overcome - OOHRah!

Try not to beat yourself up too bad Dan, I still don't have my shit together yet either.
But I'm getting there. Right now might not be the best time to have firearms around, do you have somebody who can hold onto them in a weapons safe?

He's right, secure your weapons! Then get your shit together. Your a man of faith, well, He's not done with you yet and when He is you'll be the first to know.

There is no quick answer brother, I can't sweat yesterday, it's history and tomorrow is not mine YET! Set short term goals and put the successes together one at a time. Before you know it you'll see some progress.

I'm just an ol' swab jockey who had too many meals in a Marine field mess and share some of the same PTSD issues. If the VA therapist are not working try a Vet Center and try a group of combat vets for a reality check. In the mean time take a knee we're here to listen.

Ba

 

[vikingr24]

Welcome, Dan. Yup, drop a knee and get some coffee. We got a whole lot of work to do with you.

First, you don't need a DI to kick your ass. You are doing that pretty well on your own. Slowwwww down. Studies show breathing correctly (with your belly not your arms and chest) slowly, like you mean it, helps better than taking any xanax. I have taken xanax and when I did, I needed it. Unfortunately, know that it leads to depression and what's called social anxiety -- you don't want to go out, and when you do you feel like a rabbit coming out of a hole to face the wolves.

Second, check your meds. I am not a doctor but there are a whole lotta medics here who can help you, including some with advanced degrees in biochemistry. I am just an old surg tech and SAR PJ (we were all over SEA). We all know what meds have what reactions from talking about it here. There is no magic pill for PTSD. Rather it is a number of conditions that gather to form what we call PTSD. That mystery is why doctors call it a disorder, rather than a disease.

Third. Situational awareness is your friend. You have it already and probably don't know it. Do you walk into a bar or restaurant and make sure you know where the exits and windows are? Do you avoid crowds? When you walk down the streets, do you stick to the sides, rather than walk carelessly in the open, on the sidewalk? It's situational or heightened awareness. You acquired it in training and from being shot at.

Fourth. And I will say this once only. If you drink, consider stopping for a long time. If you don't, congratulations. That's one good decision you made.

Use it but don't let it own you. It contributes to that anxiety that eventually leads to depression. That is the seesaw we face. Anger -> anxiety -> depression -> anger, etc. Use that awareness to know when you are in a spiral and breath slowly to get out of it. Slow down. One bite, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Break up complex problems into small pieces. Think simply 'cause it is simple.

Read all you can that's in this site about PTSD. The VA is good and they are getting better, but consider going to a Vet Center too. Do what works for you, not what some white coated asshole tells you. And believe me, we can tell you a few stories about them.

Cultivate good, quality friends. You are in danger now. A divorce or death in the family is way up on the Richter scale for high stress and suicide. (You know that already.) It will take a minimum of 18 months to get over it. Minimum, notice. It may take longer. But you will reach a moment when your kids will treat you well, and even your ex might wish she had made a better decision. Make it happen by living. Shooting yourself won't give your kids a chance to know a wonderful human being.

Learn to drop things in a bucket. Learn to Let Go. 10% of things you can control or try and understand. The rest is bullshit and does not deserve the time to study. Some things are just beyond our reach and don't have an answer. Let them go. Life is one imperfect activity after another.

You are among friends. I check in fairly often and there are a whole lot of guys here that will drop everything to help. PM them or me.

Now. I want to see about (notice the inexact term -- about means whatever you can do) 5 laps slowly around the camp. That should get you back to the surface of the earth, instead of deep down inside.

We are your shadow. You need us. Just turn around.

 

[Dan L]

Welcome, Dan. Yup, drop a knee and get some coffee. We got a whole lot of work to do with you.

First, you don't need a DI to kick your ass. You are doing that pretty well on your own. Slowwwww down. Studies show breathing correctly (with your belly not your arms and chest) slowly, like you mean it, helps better than taking any xanax. I have taken xanax and when I did, I needed it. Unfortunately, know that it leads to depression and what's called social anxiety -- you don't want to go out, and when you do you feel like a rabbit coming out of a hole to face the wolves ....

Thanks SAR PJ and thanks for your insight ... Luckily, I don't drink booze anymore... Early on, to relieve my anxiety, I'd binge drink and become a different person. One night in the 90's, I got into a bar fight and when the cops came (according to my friend), it took 4 of them to hold me down while I was calling them "pigs" and telling them to "F- themselves" and other derogatory insults. They actually let me go because the bar was in the wrong for serving me too much booze but looking back at this event, I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior from what I remember that night. I've stayed off the booze when my kids were born for fear of me hurting them. I'm currently not taking any meds. I have a prescription for Prazosin which I usually take when I feel really irritated but I have forgone all meds for the past 3-4 months.

As I've mentioned this in a PM to another member that I just feel socially excluded from my family and everyday normal activities. I go from coffee house to home everyday and lock myself in my room. My kids avoid me, won't return my texts and won't pick up the phone when I call and my wife filed for divorce. Not sure what to do at this point, where to go, or what to take.

 

[vikingr24]

Gather them together and just talk. Take your shots. Apologize and mean it. Don't raise your voice. Speak from the heart and put that beast in your pocket. Try to anyway. Explain to them you have a disorder from being in war and it will take time. It is a sickness. You don't mean to hurt anyone. Tell what you feel comfortable about what you saw and felt. This will help bond them to you. Let your feelings go. Don't be logical. Be human, because that is what you are. An imperfect person. If it means divorce and separation, you will always be there for them. But you will try your best to make them all happy. Just be YOU, not the Beast.

Let all the hurt and pain go for a while. If you can't then you need to see the doc about something to settle you down. Nothing wrong with that. Meds are ok, sensibly taken.

PM me if you need to.