What Can I Say Or Do To My Boyfriend When He Makes Insecure Comments?

[Esop]

He's always said I'm "out of his league" and more than he deserves, due to his PTSD and a somewhat colorful past, which I've always found ridiculous. I tell him all the time how much I love him and want to be with him.

There was a point when we were in a BAD place with his out-of-control insecurity, control, and anger issues. However, I definitely feel like we've turned a corner, and it has remained this way for a sustained period of time- SUCH a welcome relief!

However, every now and then, his insecurities will flare up again. He doesn't get that way very often, and he's definitely gotten past trying to be controlling, but he does tend to get a little nervous whenever I go out with friends. For example, he'll ask if I love him or what he is to me, or he'll joke about me flirting with guys or finding someone else. Sometimes he'll catch himself, apologize, and say to have a good time and be safe. His comments don't usually get to me, and he has gotten SO much better, but sometimes they still do feel a little accusatory and reminiscent of times past (which is more MY issue, I know).

Could his insecurity be a byproduct of his PTSD, or is it entirely unrelated? Has anyone else had this same experience? And is there anything I can say or do to help him keep making progress in this area?

 

[Arena]

I am not sure what it is a byproduct of and I really truly hope he *really* has improved. Having said that, a lot of this seems like cosmetic changes in order to keep you around. I am guessing, underneath, it's still the same and as soon as something significant happens it will come to the surface again. I could be wrong, of course, but based on the experiences of other women I know, and also having seen and read about this quite a bit, guys like that tend to not change, not really, anyway. Having said that, I hope I am wrong and that things will really keep getting better for you. Good luck!

 

[Udub]

He's always said I'm "out of his league" and more than he deserves, due to his PTSD and a somewhat colorful past, which I'...

His insecurity due to PTSD or otherwise is his issue to work on. You nor anyone else can help someone with their self-image.
I don't know how old you are or how long you have been together.
Is he in any kind of therapy? If not has the subject ever come up? If it has what was his reaction? If it hasn't I think you might consider suggesting it.

Has he gotten better or have you gotten better at momentarily convincing him or making allowances? Think a little before answering that question. Also ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship.

Having to constantly reassure someone in a relationship takes its toll and will eventually wear down your compassion and patience. Without therapy it will get worse, especially if he has PTSD.

There's a saying I'm going to share with you and I apologize if it seems a bit harsh.

If someone tells you that you're too good for them or you deserve better, believe them.

 

[Pumopi]

If someone tells you that you're too good for them or you deserve better, believe them.

I feel like this is a broad brush statement. Many people who suffer from trauma feel 'they aren't good enough' for anyone.

It is the ones that feel they are too good for others that have messed me over the most in life. Those types would NEVER say that they weren't 'good enough'. Not if their life depended on it. I find them to be dangerous.

 

[Esop]

It's not constant reassurance. Trust me, I would NOT put up with that. Mostly just wondering if other people on here have ever experienced any kind of insecurity, whether as supporter or a sufferer.

 

[Unelos]

I'm a supporter and my partner/sufferer has terrible insecurity issues.

He's always said I'm "out of his league" and more than he deserves, due to his PTSD

I hear that a lot also. It was really strong when we first began our relationship and it has somewhat eased off a little now... That is, until I go through a push/pull moment. The fact that she doesn't feel "worthy" of my time and feels like I'm too good for her and don't deserve her PTSD is predominantly her reason for trying to force me to leave.

he does tend to get a little nervous whenever I go out with friends.

This wasn't a huge factor in my relationship to begin with, but it started creeping up after a few months. I think a little bit of jealousy is ok in a non-overwhelming way. I see my partner's jealousy as a bit cute because it shows me that she does care and doesn't want to lose me (even though she has absolutely nothing to worry about as I'm definitely not a cheater or looking elsewhere) after so many attempts to push me away and make me leave. She has never ever been controlling or overwhelming with the jealousy though.

In my situation I think it's more of a past relationship issue. I can't say for certain, but both my partner and myself suspect that her PTSD started from when she was with her ex and not afterwards when she suffered trauma in a separate event. It was an incredibly mentally and emotionally abusive relationship where my partner was constantly being accused of cheating. Her ex slowly began isolating her from her friends and even tried isolating her from her family by causing trouble and trying to turn them against her and vice versa. Once isolated, my partner began getting pummeled with the brainwashing and would have things like "Nobody wants you. You're not worth anything to anyone", "I'm too good looking for you", "You're not worth the air that you breathe" etc said to her every single day until it got to the point where she believed it and really did feel like she had no one but her ex. This went on for 8 years. It turns out that her ex was the one cheating on her with multiple people and the control and manipulation was just that... manipulation and control.

With all of this in mind, I can 100% understand why my partner is cautious about who I'm with and what I'm up to when I'm with others (again, never to a smothering level) and deep down she knows I'd never jeopardise our relationship and would never cause her to go through that hurt again. But because she was, quite literally, brainwashed into believing all of her insecurities as well as being betrayed, the alarm bells still ring quite loud for her and it seeps through to our relationship from time to time. I understand that. She'd never turn into her ex with the accusation level though.

I don't think there is an exact thing to say or do other than telling him that you love him for who he is and you're not interested in anyone else. He is the only one that can change how he views himself. If it's a negative view, all you can do is continue to assure him where your loyalties lay and how you feel about him.

 

[Ati]

My wife is very insecure and I am somewhat emotionally distant so imagine wha fun that is! Even after 20 years together, she doubts how much I really love her. I understand her background and much of this is a symptom of not loving herself, but quite honestly, it can be draining!