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Green pastures
Platinum Member
Yes @Lucycat more helpful than words can explain. What you said sounds like me exactly!
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How Can I Tell My Husband That He Makes Me Feel Like I'm Reliving My Childhood.....
- Post starter Green pastures
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Friday
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Being wrong can, and often is, a good thing.
In this case being wrong would mean that you are important, you are not being blown off, that our events do not assign our relative value as human beings (meaning that the most important event does not = most important person, or vice versa that the most important person does not always have the most important event), and a whole lot of other good things.
There are times in life where one really, really wants to be wrong. Whether it's thinking you have cancer, or thinking a garbage bag blowing towards you is a bear. Sometimes we're able to see these things for ourselves (Whew! Just a garbage bag!), sometimes we need someone else to verify because it's outside our realm of expertise (Okay, doc, what's up?), other times it's an -ideally neutral- 3rd party. That's a big part of what this site is used for, reality checking with others. Because PTSD & trauma tends to come along with a whole lot of cognitive distortions.
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/primary-cognitive-distortions-negative-thinking-styles.87554/
One of which is black & white thinking; like that being told you're wrong about something is an attack (it wasn't), or is always a bad thing (it's not). Or that if your event isn't the most important thing? Then it is of no importance, and neither are you (it is, and you are).
There's another really common PTSD thing... Mind reading. Not for real! Although we often think so. And we can be like a dog with a bone, insisting other people are motivated by what we think they're motivated by. Like "If I feel unimportant, then their intent was to make me feel unimportant." Or "If I've already come to that conclusion, then they should know I have! even if I haven't said so." A good friend and I have a long running joke: I skipped MindReading 101 in college! ;) What it actually is, is a jerk on the leash when either one of us is assuming the premise. It's an Okay. Stop. Breathe. Back up & let's start over.
On this one, you're getting angry at people for not knowing you were venting (when you not only don't say you're venting, but ask some very specific and general questions for thoughts/advice), and hurt/angry about the wording used to give advice as if we "should" know how to speak to you (when one never knows how anyone is going to take anything, so be yourself! is usually the best policy :D), and hurt/angry that people don't know you'd already come to a certain conclusion that you hadn't talked about at all in your first post, and only 1 line in a long response (not only easy to miss, but people often don't read responses until they've answered the first post). We can't read your mind, hon. Promise. Even though some days it feels like we're so exposed that all of our inner thoughts are pulsing like a neon sign above us.
Do I think you're a selfish bitch? Pfft. Hardly. & for the record, despite being super distraught you did a very good job in keeping an attack out of your distress in your response. Don't worry about the swearing. I swear the air blue here on a regular basis. As long as you're not swearing *at* someone! the censors bleep out the worst bits, and you're good to go.
What I do think is that you're both very distressed, struggling, & symptomatic. Which is why I kept my first post short, clear, unemotional, and to the point. Long posts (like this one!) are often impossible to process when we're struggling. It's PTSD. We get that, because we do the exact same thing. We go to dark places, we get spun up in our minds, we use a helluva lot of negative thinking styles & cognitive distortions, and we can't process anything longer than very short words, and even then usually take things off in tangents. Trauma. Ugh. Pain in the ass. But it does get better.
In this case being wrong would mean that you are important, you are not being blown off, that our events do not assign our relative value as human beings (meaning that the most important event does not = most important person, or vice versa that the most important person does not always have the most important event), and a whole lot of other good things.
There are times in life where one really, really wants to be wrong. Whether it's thinking you have cancer, or thinking a garbage bag blowing towards you is a bear. Sometimes we're able to see these things for ourselves (Whew! Just a garbage bag!), sometimes we need someone else to verify because it's outside our realm of expertise (Okay, doc, what's up?), other times it's an -ideally neutral- 3rd party. That's a big part of what this site is used for, reality checking with others. Because PTSD & trauma tends to come along with a whole lot of cognitive distortions.
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/primary-cognitive-distortions-negative-thinking-styles.87554/
One of which is black & white thinking; like that being told you're wrong about something is an attack (it wasn't), or is always a bad thing (it's not). Or that if your event isn't the most important thing? Then it is of no importance, and neither are you (it is, and you are).
There's another really common PTSD thing... Mind reading. Not for real! Although we often think so. And we can be like a dog with a bone, insisting other people are motivated by what we think they're motivated by. Like "If I feel unimportant, then their intent was to make me feel unimportant." Or "If I've already come to that conclusion, then they should know I have! even if I haven't said so." A good friend and I have a long running joke: I skipped MindReading 101 in college! ;) What it actually is, is a jerk on the leash when either one of us is assuming the premise. It's an Okay. Stop. Breathe. Back up & let's start over.
On this one, you're getting angry at people for not knowing you were venting (when you not only don't say you're venting, but ask some very specific and general questions for thoughts/advice), and hurt/angry about the wording used to give advice as if we "should" know how to speak to you (when one never knows how anyone is going to take anything, so be yourself! is usually the best policy :D), and hurt/angry that people don't know you'd already come to a certain conclusion that you hadn't talked about at all in your first post, and only 1 line in a long response (not only easy to miss, but people often don't read responses until they've answered the first post). We can't read your mind, hon. Promise. Even though some days it feels like we're so exposed that all of our inner thoughts are pulsing like a neon sign above us.
Do I think you're a selfish bitch? Pfft. Hardly. & for the record, despite being super distraught you did a very good job in keeping an attack out of your distress in your response. Don't worry about the swearing. I swear the air blue here on a regular basis. As long as you're not swearing *at* someone! the censors bleep out the worst bits, and you're good to go.
What I do think is that you're both very distressed, struggling, & symptomatic. Which is why I kept my first post short, clear, unemotional, and to the point. Long posts (like this one!) are often impossible to process when we're struggling. It's PTSD. We get that, because we do the exact same thing. We go to dark places, we get spun up in our minds, we use a helluva lot of negative thinking styles & cognitive distortions, and we can't process anything longer than very short words, and even then usually take things off in tangents. Trauma. Ugh. Pain in the ass. But it does get better.
Friday
Sponsor
Also wanted to point this out, since you referenced it a few times, and completely left off the first bit. In this case = weekly therapy appointment vs child's baseball tournament deciding game for tied for 1st place. It's not a universal. It's not your husband is always right and you are always wrong. It's very specifically to deal with my opinion of the situation you presented of tournament vs therapy appointment.
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- #16
Green pastures
Platinum Member
Thanks @FridayJones ...you are right. Mind reading ...daily struggle and not even realizing I do it. That is the worst bitch in the world...thinking someone thinks something about you ...without realizing you are reading into something that you have no idea about. Yet it is what you (I am talking about myself here) have done this your entire life so it feels like it is correct and the way everyone else thinks too. Your (my) assessment of what someone intended is the only logical conclusion as to what they were thinking....and since it hurt like hell they must hate me or think I am a bad person. This looking back is my entire life as I remember it. Yet the real trauma from childhood I did not even know existed until recently ...ugh
Is a living hell daily. So many things instantly make me shake and feel like I am going to pass out. Like today (I sing in our praise and worship team every Sunday. ...) I was so dizzy and.shaking so bad and just felt. ...I was so f*cking overwhelmed and I didn't understand why.....I couldn't even see the words on the back wall because I was it was surreal like two realities at once but it understanding what either was. Thank God I know the song by heart cause the words I could not see. I was shaking so bad when we we done I thought I was going to have my knees buckle on stage in front of everyone that is unacceptable so some deep part of me wouldn't all me to be embarrassed beyond all embarrassing moments. To have a traumatic experience where I'm not really knowing exactly what is going on....I could ..I cannot do it there ....that ..not because I would be hated or rejected. But because people would ask questions would be the worst place i could imagine!!! I'm so exhausted ...yet on edge in fact I'm so on edge all my muscles are killing me from the tension. Now that I'm lost in what I was even trying to say I will stop. I think I made sense. I will reiterate...thank you @FridayJones for taking the time to respond to me!
Life is like hell right now. I feel so dysfunctional. ..so disconnected so afraid of everyone. ..oh so what caused my trauma and disassciating was caused by the fact my pastor and my dad are like twins...and they met for the first time this weekend and my pastor talked about how alike they are when they met...that cracked something in my brain into panic mode and focus was only on how can I stay safe...yet stay present very exhausting.
So I read hour other response you posted while I was typing this... I know my husband is not always right. What I was trying to say is. In this one instance he agrees with what I think feel and know with all my heart. ..especially since..it has not even been set yet!!! We don't even know for sure if it will occur. Which i realize is borrowing trouble and assuming the worst and expecting life won't go on...real fears but not reality..or something like that. So I mentioned it because when I am writing on here and felt as I did yesterday, it truly is like I am that little 5 year old girl so reasoning is not present. And I suck at not realizing I have to explain what I am saying since no one can actually read my mind. How can one actually do that... (explain what they feel and think when there are no words for them) not an excuse just a question I don't know the answer too. Maybe there is one ..maybe there isnt but I'm interested in what others think about that question.
I am done talking about my husband for now. It brings up confusing thoughts, feelings, and makes me feel disoriented, ...and I have another baseball game of my son's to attend in 1 hour 45 minutes. I'd so love to sleep but I'm even afraid of that with how on edge....on the brink of crying...and afraid to think because it will bring memories if abuse. ...but I digress and conclude with thank you. I am easily hurt and always assume everyone hates me.. because everyone I knew growing up treated me that way. It sucks yet I know slowly I will learn to accept and love myself. ☺
Is a living hell daily. So many things instantly make me shake and feel like I am going to pass out. Like today (I sing in our praise and worship team every Sunday. ...) I was so dizzy and.shaking so bad and just felt. ...I was so f*cking overwhelmed and I didn't understand why.....I couldn't even see the words on the back wall because I was it was surreal like two realities at once but it understanding what either was. Thank God I know the song by heart cause the words I could not see. I was shaking so bad when we we done I thought I was going to have my knees buckle on stage in front of everyone that is unacceptable so some deep part of me wouldn't all me to be embarrassed beyond all embarrassing moments. To have a traumatic experience where I'm not really knowing exactly what is going on....I could ..I cannot do it there ....that ..not because I would be hated or rejected. But because people would ask questions would be the worst place i could imagine!!! I'm so exhausted ...yet on edge in fact I'm so on edge all my muscles are killing me from the tension. Now that I'm lost in what I was even trying to say I will stop. I think I made sense. I will reiterate...thank you @FridayJones for taking the time to respond to me!
Life is like hell right now. I feel so dysfunctional. ..so disconnected so afraid of everyone. ..oh so what caused my trauma and disassciating was caused by the fact my pastor and my dad are like twins...and they met for the first time this weekend and my pastor talked about how alike they are when they met...that cracked something in my brain into panic mode and focus was only on how can I stay safe...yet stay present very exhausting.
So I read hour other response you posted while I was typing this... I know my husband is not always right. What I was trying to say is. In this one instance he agrees with what I think feel and know with all my heart. ..especially since..it has not even been set yet!!! We don't even know for sure if it will occur. Which i realize is borrowing trouble and assuming the worst and expecting life won't go on...real fears but not reality..or something like that. So I mentioned it because when I am writing on here and felt as I did yesterday, it truly is like I am that little 5 year old girl so reasoning is not present. And I suck at not realizing I have to explain what I am saying since no one can actually read my mind. How can one actually do that... (explain what they feel and think when there are no words for them) not an excuse just a question I don't know the answer too. Maybe there is one ..maybe there isnt but I'm interested in what others think about that question.
I am done talking about my husband for now. It brings up confusing thoughts, feelings, and makes me feel disoriented, ...and I have another baseball game of my son's to attend in 1 hour 45 minutes. I'd so love to sleep but I'm even afraid of that with how on edge....on the brink of crying...and afraid to think because it will bring memories if abuse. ...but I digress and conclude with thank you. I am easily hurt and always assume everyone hates me.. because everyone I knew growing up treated me that way. It sucks yet I know slowly I will learn to accept and love myself. ☺
The Albatross
VIP Member
Wrote and deleted some things before hitting post. Will think about it more before I may respond.
- Post starter
- #18
Green pastures
Platinum Member
Okay @The Albatross whatever you say I can't promise anything about how I'll take it...hell I don't actually know why you said that...just saying in advance today I'm on the verge of being present and being in the past. f*cking sucks like hell!!!
Digz
Gold Member
Hang in there @Green pastures. Every day is hard. You're doing a good job just taking each day as it comes and trying to get through it all. Keep trying to work through it and I personally think the fact that you're big enough to say you made a mistake, means you're someone who learns well from the past and that will help you as you go forward and hopefully with your recovery.
Hope you worked out a good solution to it all with your hubby. Juggling PTSD, being a wife and a mother makes life very tricky. Good luck.
Hope you worked out a good solution to it all with your hubby. Juggling PTSD, being a wife and a mother makes life very tricky. Good luck.
@Green pastures learning to be assertive for those of us who never learnt as a child that they have needs, can make a real difference to our important relationships.
Resentment and anger grow from being unaware how to express our needs to significant others, not understanding what are reasonable expectations and how to request healthy support from others.
As abused children we learn we have no rights, and no support at times when the abuse comes from those who are supposed to protect us, and have only had modelled behaviour that doesn't teach us that we are entitled to have reasonable wants and our needs met and learning how to set healthy boundaries and to respect others boundaries with significant others.
I always thought my husband made me feel like I was reliving my childhood, his anger at my son and at times me, was triggering, but in being triggered my response was over the top to what was actually going on. I was angrier at him for yelling than I ever was at my mothers abuse and she had badly physically abused me for all of my childhood.
My husband's expression of anger was stimulating my repressed anger at my mother and I was projecting her on him, and would flip out at his behaviour, even though it was nothing in comparison to hers. Over time I have learnt to directly ask for what I needed from him, and to talk openly without attacking him to try to resolve the situation. As a result of learning to express my needs, my husband completed an anger management course and it has made a significant change to how I function on a daily basis, because for me the way he expressed of anger was causing intense fear, but in reality he would never have hurt me physically. I had to take responsibility for my behaviour in allowing his behaviour to continue, and allowing him to violate my boundaries. I
But one of the most significant things I have learnt that I was responsible for how I feel, not my husband. In choosing not to assert my needs, I assumed he would know how I felt, what I was thinking and what I needed, and would feel frustrated and angry at him ignoring my needs, and violating mine and my sons boundaries. My husband can not mind read, and he can only violate my boundaries if I choose to allow him to.
It is not wrong to ask to have your needs met, it is healthy, and will help you to manage your feelings, so long as you also respect his boundaries.
Resentment and anger grow from being unaware how to express our needs to significant others, not understanding what are reasonable expectations and how to request healthy support from others.
As abused children we learn we have no rights, and no support at times when the abuse comes from those who are supposed to protect us, and have only had modelled behaviour that doesn't teach us that we are entitled to have reasonable wants and our needs met and learning how to set healthy boundaries and to respect others boundaries with significant others.
I always thought my husband made me feel like I was reliving my childhood, his anger at my son and at times me, was triggering, but in being triggered my response was over the top to what was actually going on. I was angrier at him for yelling than I ever was at my mothers abuse and she had badly physically abused me for all of my childhood.
My husband's expression of anger was stimulating my repressed anger at my mother and I was projecting her on him, and would flip out at his behaviour, even though it was nothing in comparison to hers. Over time I have learnt to directly ask for what I needed from him, and to talk openly without attacking him to try to resolve the situation. As a result of learning to express my needs, my husband completed an anger management course and it has made a significant change to how I function on a daily basis, because for me the way he expressed of anger was causing intense fear, but in reality he would never have hurt me physically. I had to take responsibility for my behaviour in allowing his behaviour to continue, and allowing him to violate my boundaries. I
But one of the most significant things I have learnt that I was responsible for how I feel, not my husband. In choosing not to assert my needs, I assumed he would know how I felt, what I was thinking and what I needed, and would feel frustrated and angry at him ignoring my needs, and violating mine and my sons boundaries. My husband can not mind read, and he can only violate my boundaries if I choose to allow him to.
It is not wrong to ask to have your needs met, it is healthy, and will help you to manage your feelings, so long as you also respect his boundaries.
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- #21
Green pastures
Platinum Member
@shell thank you. I can tell it has been a long, yet, empowering journey for you. I do not know why I am trying to make this sound perfect .. that is stupid of me - I am not stupid the way I am "trying" to respond "perfectly". So I laugh at myself.
Now thank you @shell - thank you for taking the time to offer advice from you life's journey. That is very kind of you. After I wrote this last .. was it Friday or Saturday? Anyway - I had a conversation with my husband. I had texted my therapist --- I was floundering - I guess would be a good analogy as to how I was functioning. I was indeed lashing out - I was hurt, I was confused, I could NOT see straight and then the yelling at me and my kids began .. kids because they kept "bothering us" (which to me it wasn't bothering - it was just them being kids... my husband does not like interruptions ---) anyway-- hmmm..
Okay fast forward to Saturday - afternoon - I did have a heartfelt - deep - honest conversation with John, my daughter - kept coming in because we were --- having a "heated discussion". My husband kept telling her to leave the room - and what she needed to work on.... that well that made me upset - because - he was ignoring her need - to understand - she didn't know how to express it and for some reason - right now - I can see that in my kids - it is strange - I mean it is like - I can see what they are feeling and not saying - anyway - so I stopped had her come over to me and sit with me as I hugged her I explained in a way she could understand --- "*(daughters name) - you know this is just like yesterday when you and your brother were arguing - just because you have a loud fight and say things that may hurt - it doesn't mean you do not love him? right?" she laid on my chest a little longer and said "yeah, that makes sense - but why do you have to fight" - more tears, and I just held her a little longer and said - "faith you know why, right?" and she responded - "yes, just I do not want to hear it" so I told her she could turn the tv back on in the other room.
Now looking back on that - and taking the time to reflect - wow - that is something I never had as a kid - I did the same thing with my own parents - but I always was punished - ridiculed or ignored when I tried to "stop" their fighting. I do not even know where I am going with this conversation. I feel so ...exhausted. Lack of sleep - from nightmares or flashes or feelings of things touching me - that instantly set me in panic mode - um .. suck -
I think I was trying to say - ever since I looked at the situation on Saturday and Sunday and into Monday at my counseling appointment, I logically can see what is the best "right" in the situation.
Wouldn't life be amazing if we could rip the PTSD symptoms and reasons they exist in our body - so we could be fully functional at all times - hell that would be amazing ... yet that is NOT real life - and I am blessed to have this community and a therapist that not only takes her time to help me - she wants to help our marriage. I could not ask for more -
i am tired - and I am procrastinating getting to this stupid CNE (certified nursing education) (continuing education for my nursing license in the state I reside...) - which thankfully I CAN do at work so I do not actually have to THINK or focus ---
wow - okay I am going to stop typing -
thank you again @shell - and have a wonderful day! :cool:
Now thank you @shell - thank you for taking the time to offer advice from you life's journey. That is very kind of you. After I wrote this last .. was it Friday or Saturday? Anyway - I had a conversation with my husband. I had texted my therapist --- I was floundering - I guess would be a good analogy as to how I was functioning. I was indeed lashing out - I was hurt, I was confused, I could NOT see straight and then the yelling at me and my kids began .. kids because they kept "bothering us" (which to me it wasn't bothering - it was just them being kids... my husband does not like interruptions ---) anyway-- hmmm..
Okay fast forward to Saturday - afternoon - I did have a heartfelt - deep - honest conversation with John, my daughter - kept coming in because we were --- having a "heated discussion". My husband kept telling her to leave the room - and what she needed to work on.... that well that made me upset - because - he was ignoring her need - to understand - she didn't know how to express it and for some reason - right now - I can see that in my kids - it is strange - I mean it is like - I can see what they are feeling and not saying - anyway - so I stopped had her come over to me and sit with me as I hugged her I explained in a way she could understand --- "*(daughters name) - you know this is just like yesterday when you and your brother were arguing - just because you have a loud fight and say things that may hurt - it doesn't mean you do not love him? right?" she laid on my chest a little longer and said "yeah, that makes sense - but why do you have to fight" - more tears, and I just held her a little longer and said - "faith you know why, right?" and she responded - "yes, just I do not want to hear it" so I told her she could turn the tv back on in the other room.
Now looking back on that - and taking the time to reflect - wow - that is something I never had as a kid - I did the same thing with my own parents - but I always was punished - ridiculed or ignored when I tried to "stop" their fighting. I do not even know where I am going with this conversation. I feel so ...exhausted. Lack of sleep - from nightmares or flashes or feelings of things touching me - that instantly set me in panic mode - um .. suck -
I think I was trying to say - ever since I looked at the situation on Saturday and Sunday and into Monday at my counseling appointment, I logically can see what is the best "right" in the situation.
Wouldn't life be amazing if we could rip the PTSD symptoms and reasons they exist in our body - so we could be fully functional at all times - hell that would be amazing ... yet that is NOT real life - and I am blessed to have this community and a therapist that not only takes her time to help me - she wants to help our marriage. I could not ask for more -
i am tired - and I am procrastinating getting to this stupid CNE (certified nursing education) (continuing education for my nursing license in the state I reside...) - which thankfully I CAN do at work so I do not actually have to THINK or focus ---
wow - okay I am going to stop typing -
thank you again @shell - and have a wonderful day! :cool:
marjorie murphy
New Here
Have you learned about hypervigelance? It's very interesting. Also please Google "the work of byron katie" and print off a free worksheet "judge your neighbor" they take a look at the thoughts we allow ourselves to think. Its a good start. Good luck.
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