What Do I Tell My "old" T? Or Do I Tell Her?

[Samantha_38]

I moved a few months ago and had to switch T's. My first T, from before I moved, was literally my very first (voluntarily chosen) T and I had an amazing connection with him. He was extremely supportive and almost always exactly what I needed. Even when he wasn't what I needed, we got through it and it probably helped more than when he was doing everything perfect the 1st time.

After I moved I found a new T. I was honestly "grieving" the loss of my old T at the time. She seemed ok but definitely was not the connection I had with him, even from the beginning. I've been trying to put up with it, not wanting to give up prematurely and trying to make sure I don't have unrealistic expectations of her being exactly like him.

It's been a few months now though, and it just still hasn't been "clicking". I don't mind her as a person. She doesn't even really bug me, and most of the time the things she says don't upset me in any way, they just aren't helpful. They aren't helpful in the same way my last T was helpful, and I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything. I don't want it to be because I'm not trying, but honestly a big part of me isn't. It isn't for lack of wanting to most of the time, but when I'm in her office I just don't feel "right" and I go into my normal everyday auto-pilot of "I'm fine". I fake, its so automatic, and with my old T it was the only place where I could overcome the natural faking I do and actually be real.

I seem to have this issue with females a lot. Something about them just turns me off, and makes me less open. Even if I like them as a person, and trust them with most things, my trauma is just not something I'm going to trust them with. So, I was thinking for whatever reason, I think I need a male again. Super excited I found one today. I finally got up courage to call another place and set something up. I have an appointment next week.

Problem is, now what do I tell her? If anything? I haven't seen her for 2 weeks, I had to cancel my last appointment due to my son being in the hospital and I haven't called to reschedule since. The lack of my calling back to reschedule, and excusing it because I'm busy with other things, is part of the lack of interest in seeing her, and why I called this new place to begin with. For me to overcome the fear of calling a new place just to avoid rescheduling with her is only more evidence that for whatever reason I just didn't click with her. I'm not sure I want to just disappear off the planet though, like I said I still like her as a person. I would feel bad making her wonder about what ever happened to me. But in ways I guess the same is true of my old T, since I can't have contact with him any longer either. Is it just their job to stop caring/wondering when their client disappears?

I think half the battle of PTSD isn't even the PTSD itself, its balancing this whole therapist relationship we "have" to have in order to heal. It can be as frustrating as PTSD itself, if not worse sometimes. I'm definitely stressed over this.

 

[Lucycat]

I would suggest waiting until you have seen new T before cutting all ties. There is no harm in having an appointment with this new one before you make a final decision.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I moved from NH to ME and kept my therapist in NH for many years. The thought of losing him caused me to panic, so I'd drive an hour and a half to get there. That was a bad idea now that I look back on it. I hated the drive and would go weeks without seeing him and when I did see him, it was more like current events-we weren't doing anything about my PTSD.
Then I got so suicidal I went to the local ER. They recommended an intensive out patient program. I did that and my discharge plan was to start DBT with a woman the folks at the program recommended. I couldn't stand her. First of all, she worked out of her house. It was messy and smelled moldy. On the coffee table she left her appointment book wide open and had cash and checks in full view. Add to that the fact that she said I wouldn't fit into her DBT group so she was going to see me weekly for regular therapy. I think I put up with her shit for two months before telling her out time was over-thanks for nothing.
Then I had a female social worker for a few years but we never did any trauma work. It was always just me being suicidal and her putting out fires. She took a management position so I had to find a new therapist. I wanted to find someone trained in EMDR and one of my clients recommended Adam. He is a master therapist. He has had a lot of trauma training and taught other therapists how to make progress with PTSD. I dissociate less now. The only problem I had with him was that he would walk me to the office door and he kept his hand on the doorknob for a bit while he was talking. But I felt really TRAPPED. I asked him please don't do that and he was fine about it. Quirky? Yes I am, but he does not judge me.

 

[Julesnaz]

If you end up liking the new guy I would at least call the office of the woman t and tell them you found another therapist. That way she won't wonder if something bad happened to you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

We HAVE to have a therapist relationship in order to heal?

That's new on me!

I didn't place my trust in the therapist. I placed it in the process. It worked for me.

 

[Rumors]

I'd ask the new guy... Good way to test his ability!

 

[ghotiff]

When I quit my "bad" T, I just sent a text stating pretty much...

I am not going to continue therapy with with you at this time. Please do not contact me further.

You do not need to explain why, just let them know your not coming back.

 

[Leigh925]

I work with a physician who said something one time that really got my attention. He said to a patient "I am hired help. I work for you." It kind of shocked me at first because many doctors.....well....they think they are God's gift to the world but he is right we hire them as caregivers.

If you had a housekeeper or a mechanic that wasn't meeting your needs you probably wouldn't feel as bad about moving on.

Therapy is too expensive....too time consuming and too important not to go with someone who is a better fit. I agree with advice from previous posts though about waiting until you have met with the new therapist.

If you feel like you need a reason because it would be easier for you to tell her I would suggest bringing up that you feel like a male therapist would be useful for you at this time.

Side note...I tried three different female therapists before I tried a male therapist. I was surprised that was what I needed but it was. I thought I wouldn't be able to work with a male because my perpetrators were male....however being raised and ultimately abandoned by a mentally ill mother trumped that...so the switch was super beneficial for me. Good luck!!!!

 

[Samantha_38]

The only problem I had with him was that he would walk me to the office door and he kept his hand on the doorknob for a bit while he was talking. But I felt really TRAPPED. I asked him please don't do that and he was fine about it. Quirky? Yes I am, but he does not judge me.

I DO the exact same thing, I HATE it when people hold doors in anyway, holding them open for me or anything. I don't like walking past them.

We HAVE to have a therapist relationship in order to heal? That's new on me! I didn't place my trust in the therapist. I placed it in the process. It worked for me.

That's why I put "have" in quotations like I did. I feel I "have" to have it, and I know many others do as well. But I know there are some who do very well without it. I on the other hand just completely ignore the PTSD completely if there isn't something pushing me to deal with it.

Side note...I tried three different female therapists before I tried a male therapist. I was surprised that was what I needed but it was. I thought I wouldn't be able to work with a male because my perpetrators were male....however being raised and ultimately abandoned by a mentally ill mother trumped that...so the switch was super beneficial for me. Good luck!!!!

I have had 1 male therapist, my 1st voluntary T. A few in-home female therapists/social workers that I don't even want to get started on. They were TERRIBLE, blamed me for the abuse I was enduring. I don't even consider them a previous T really, because they did no sort of helpful therapy at all. I find it odd too because my abuse was mostly from males too, but I definitely do so much better with males in any sort of interaction, especially therapy. I was abandoned by my mom daily, pretty much hourly, too when she'd leave me with my abusive father. So maybe there's something too that, I don't know. In any event I already feel like this situation is going to go better, for one the call I made to set it up was so much easier than when I called the other place. Like the person on the phone knew what I was saying and I could understand what she needed from me, that did NOT happen with this place I'm at right now.