A
Atcen
I’ve been having relationship issues for a while now. For the sake of time let’s begin with the situation that happened recently.
I was in the kitchen about to make dinner. My wife said she didn’t want me to sauté the spinach because that’s not how her mom would make it and it’d be dry. It felt like she blurted it out and was a little charged over it. At first I was going to point out that it didn’t have to be dry and show a recipe I knew of. But I also remembered I have a habit of trying to make a point as in the past she has said I’m a “dog with a bone” with things. So I decided I’ll leave it be and keep it pushing. If there’s a reason why she felt so strongly then fine. My first mistake was here. I didn’t ask what she meant by that I just stopped and went “Ok. You got it.” Shook my head and put my hands up in surrender.
I also felt like I should keep it to myself because we had a argument a few months back where she was like “I need space and I’m not in the space to deal with the back and forth”. So I am trying to be mindful of what’s been going on for the both of us (financial issues, discrimination at work, new work dynamics, etc). I felt like there was more resentment building in me so as she took a nap for work I went for a walk to clear my thoughts as to what was happening internally. I found that I was feeling overwhelmed because of a coworker situation where my boundaries were being crossed intentionally (this person does the same things to other people on the job so I had to prepare myself for the next day). I decided that I wouldn’t let anything shift the direction of my day. That it was time to stack coping skills and paint, journal, stretch, knit, etc.
When my wife went to work I was still doing these things and not addressing the issue or letting her know what I was feeling. She went to work and by the time she came back it was evening so I was asleep. I woke up, prepared for work (physically and mentally because I knew I had a client on top of a difficult discussion that day). When I got back I knew I had therapy at 7 pm so I changed clothes and sat down to decompress after work. My wife called me to the kitchen to ask what the issue was because there’s weird energy.
I explained my perspective. It felt like she didn’t understand what I was saying because to me it wasn’t about the spinach but she understands it as me feeling some type of way about her being picky. I explain what I just said where I was picking up on the tone incorrectly and based on my understanding of the previous conversation I left it be. She pointed out this pattern of me isolating instead of speaking up when I feel wronged. I acknowledged what she noticed and apologized. I also felt the need to advocate for my own perspective which did not end well. I felt so frustrated because I was trying to find a way for the both of us to be heard in our intentions and context. I stated that while I do understand that pattern that I have taken necessary steps to work towards healing and have improved but I was misinterpreting what she stated before because she said “I never said that, I meant for that moment not ‘don’t speak up in general’ “.
The argument devolved from there with old arguments being brought up, how I’m always making everything about myself and my own emotions. I felt like while I understand the need to sit with what I did wrong and the harm I have caused I also deserve to advocate for how I feel in the situation. She brought up a time when I was drunk and yelled at her a year ago as well to which I leaned into the discomfort and further apologized while also acknowledging that I was wrong and need to be held accountable. She brought it up, I asked what I said that made her upset and apologized. I have gone to therapy with two different therapists by now and have stopped drinking entirely.
I went to therapy. My therapist told me that we should see a couples therapist and had a recommendation for one. I was in a negative loop because I was reacting to being called abusive because my wife says I yell when I’m having a panic attack. I felt like anything I said in response didn’t land because she would respond with “Ok but you do it too” “You didn’t say it that way” “that wasn’t how I said it”. We had eventually gotten to the point where my wife was telling me how times where she’s wanted to leave me, that other people she tells says I’m wrong, that she has to take responsibility for choosing to love someone so complex and difficult who came with so much baggage and grief.
My therapist told me that taking accountability is great but I should not abandon myself. She provided emotional support surrounding feeling misunderstood and said that while my wife is valid in her experience and feelings that I have a right to set a boundary around bringing up blow out arguments from the past when we are already discussing another conflict. She said she has every right to bring up how those things hurt her but that perhaps it can be done in another setting.
My wife did not like that. She said my therapist wasn’t there, that she’ll never bring it up again then, that I hurt her and am making it about me. She said that situation changed how she views me and that she does not trust me, said I don’t trust her, and we spent time after I went to therapy rehashing the current situation because it felt like we were harping on the spinach but I’m trying to shed light on how I was wrong not to ask for clarification and explain how I need space but it wasn’t my intention to ice anybody out. I just needed to process what I was feeling and if my schedule was different it wouldn’t have taken that long. She keeps saying I need to be truthful and that it’s been 5 years of the same bs. Where I claim to do better and nothing I do actually stops this from happening.
I tried to say that it feels like the only right answer is to be told off and not speak up after it. To take any and everything on the chin and not speak on how it makes me feel. When I said that she said that’s the opposite of what she’s saying. So I said ok but when I say how I’m feeling it’s met with so much “adjustment” so I asked how I could respond better in conflict. She thought I meant the spinach and said I have to speak up which at that point in the conversation I said yes I hear you on that and I agree. I am sorry. I’m talking about when things don’t go as planned and I feel the need to defend myself. What should I be saying instead of what I am saying? She says she doesn’t know and harps on the spinach.
What do I do?
I was in the kitchen about to make dinner. My wife said she didn’t want me to sauté the spinach because that’s not how her mom would make it and it’d be dry. It felt like she blurted it out and was a little charged over it. At first I was going to point out that it didn’t have to be dry and show a recipe I knew of. But I also remembered I have a habit of trying to make a point as in the past she has said I’m a “dog with a bone” with things. So I decided I’ll leave it be and keep it pushing. If there’s a reason why she felt so strongly then fine. My first mistake was here. I didn’t ask what she meant by that I just stopped and went “Ok. You got it.” Shook my head and put my hands up in surrender.
I also felt like I should keep it to myself because we had a argument a few months back where she was like “I need space and I’m not in the space to deal with the back and forth”. So I am trying to be mindful of what’s been going on for the both of us (financial issues, discrimination at work, new work dynamics, etc). I felt like there was more resentment building in me so as she took a nap for work I went for a walk to clear my thoughts as to what was happening internally. I found that I was feeling overwhelmed because of a coworker situation where my boundaries were being crossed intentionally (this person does the same things to other people on the job so I had to prepare myself for the next day). I decided that I wouldn’t let anything shift the direction of my day. That it was time to stack coping skills and paint, journal, stretch, knit, etc.
When my wife went to work I was still doing these things and not addressing the issue or letting her know what I was feeling. She went to work and by the time she came back it was evening so I was asleep. I woke up, prepared for work (physically and mentally because I knew I had a client on top of a difficult discussion that day). When I got back I knew I had therapy at 7 pm so I changed clothes and sat down to decompress after work. My wife called me to the kitchen to ask what the issue was because there’s weird energy.
I explained my perspective. It felt like she didn’t understand what I was saying because to me it wasn’t about the spinach but she understands it as me feeling some type of way about her being picky. I explain what I just said where I was picking up on the tone incorrectly and based on my understanding of the previous conversation I left it be. She pointed out this pattern of me isolating instead of speaking up when I feel wronged. I acknowledged what she noticed and apologized. I also felt the need to advocate for my own perspective which did not end well. I felt so frustrated because I was trying to find a way for the both of us to be heard in our intentions and context. I stated that while I do understand that pattern that I have taken necessary steps to work towards healing and have improved but I was misinterpreting what she stated before because she said “I never said that, I meant for that moment not ‘don’t speak up in general’ “.
The argument devolved from there with old arguments being brought up, how I’m always making everything about myself and my own emotions. I felt like while I understand the need to sit with what I did wrong and the harm I have caused I also deserve to advocate for how I feel in the situation. She brought up a time when I was drunk and yelled at her a year ago as well to which I leaned into the discomfort and further apologized while also acknowledging that I was wrong and need to be held accountable. She brought it up, I asked what I said that made her upset and apologized. I have gone to therapy with two different therapists by now and have stopped drinking entirely.
I went to therapy. My therapist told me that we should see a couples therapist and had a recommendation for one. I was in a negative loop because I was reacting to being called abusive because my wife says I yell when I’m having a panic attack. I felt like anything I said in response didn’t land because she would respond with “Ok but you do it too” “You didn’t say it that way” “that wasn’t how I said it”. We had eventually gotten to the point where my wife was telling me how times where she’s wanted to leave me, that other people she tells says I’m wrong, that she has to take responsibility for choosing to love someone so complex and difficult who came with so much baggage and grief.
My therapist told me that taking accountability is great but I should not abandon myself. She provided emotional support surrounding feeling misunderstood and said that while my wife is valid in her experience and feelings that I have a right to set a boundary around bringing up blow out arguments from the past when we are already discussing another conflict. She said she has every right to bring up how those things hurt her but that perhaps it can be done in another setting.
My wife did not like that. She said my therapist wasn’t there, that she’ll never bring it up again then, that I hurt her and am making it about me. She said that situation changed how she views me and that she does not trust me, said I don’t trust her, and we spent time after I went to therapy rehashing the current situation because it felt like we were harping on the spinach but I’m trying to shed light on how I was wrong not to ask for clarification and explain how I need space but it wasn’t my intention to ice anybody out. I just needed to process what I was feeling and if my schedule was different it wouldn’t have taken that long. She keeps saying I need to be truthful and that it’s been 5 years of the same bs. Where I claim to do better and nothing I do actually stops this from happening.
I tried to say that it feels like the only right answer is to be told off and not speak up after it. To take any and everything on the chin and not speak on how it makes me feel. When I said that she said that’s the opposite of what she’s saying. So I said ok but when I say how I’m feeling it’s met with so much “adjustment” so I asked how I could respond better in conflict. She thought I meant the spinach and said I have to speak up which at that point in the conversation I said yes I hear you on that and I agree. I am sorry. I’m talking about when things don’t go as planned and I feel the need to defend myself. What should I be saying instead of what I am saying? She says she doesn’t know and harps on the spinach.
What do I do?
