Communication Struggles

[EveHarrington]

I think this fits into the relationship forum the best as it has to do with maintaining relationships and struggling to do so due to communication issues.

I’m not even sure where to start with this. I tend to want to communicate with others when an issue arises rather than shove it aside and pretend it doesn’t exist.

However, many people I meet/know just want to ignore any problem and pretend like it didn’t happen.

Most recently this happened with my brother. We were not in contact for 8 years after a situation where he inserted himself into an argument I was having with someone else when he had no idea what was going on. I was upset and brought up the incident as I was really hurt I was shut out for so long….over a misunderstanding on his part. He blew up at me and asked me what the fck was wrong with me for “dumping” this on him when he has 5 mental disorders and daily suicidal ideation. He called men”toxic” and said I wanted to undo the progress he’s made in therapy. I didn’t know he was doing so bad as he seemed fine the few times I saw him. He told me about his ASD diagnosis but never said he thought about dying every day. Was I supposed to not bring up the past and the situation that lead to us not talking for so long? This would make him feel better, but then I’d feel like I was walking on eggshells as if I made another mistake in his eyes, I’d be gone. Well, I’m gone anyway.

But back to my point. My dad is the same way, never wanting to resolve conflicts. My ex just wanted to move on and never actually talk about the problems between us. Not talking about an issue is just saying “Eve, shut up and deal—it’s your problem that you cannot just push issues aside and forget about them.” I feel like it’s a method of control where the other person essentially “wins” as you are silenced and just have to put up with the problem with no input from the other person.

Sometimes I feel like I’m doomed. Would it really better if I could just shove everything down and deal with nothing? I don’t understand this approach.

Does anyone have any advice to offer? Opinions, experiences? Are there any books or resources you have used to help you with communicating more effectively?

Thank you.

 

[Movingforward10]

I don't think this is a you issue. You are communicating. It's the other people who are controlling what is allowed to be spoken about.

I think it's highly important the examples you gave of who the other people are: your dad, your brother, your ex.

And that you have said it feels like a form of control.

Those are really important because you have come from a family where set narratives about who/what/how have happened and it's not safe to challenge that. So much so, there are all these long standing rifts. To enable these narratives to remain.
You coming in and shaking that up by having honest conversations, is like throwing in a hand grenade. And that's why it being thrown right back at you with bells on.
You want change and honesty and care for each other.
They want the status quo to stay the same.

I think it's more about accepting who they are and the limitations of what they can offer?

In terms of experience to offer: in my family, if I want to share something about how I feel then I do it in different ways. For examples I have said to my mum several times when she says how I am cold or whatever she wants to put on me. I say "if you want me to see you more, you will need to treat me differently".
I don't get in to things with her.

I don't know if your family is narcissistic? I have learnt a lot from reading about narcissistic families. And the 'grey rocking' method.

Edit to add: people say that saying things like "when you do X, it makes me feel Y"
To help get your view across. But that is , i think, with the hope that the other person hears understands, and then changes.
But in families where there can't be change, that doesn't work.
If the other person doesn't want to change or can't change, then however you communicate your feelings and your desire for change is going to be met with rage, put downs, dismissing, gaslighting etc etc etc.
It's really tough.
And that's where grey rocking, reducing contact or going no contact work for self preservation.