One step at a time
MyPTSD Pro
I think feeling present is a spectrum. It helps me to know that non-ptsd folk also move along this spectrum day to day and moment to moment.
I dissociate a lot, all the time. Every once in a while, especially when I'm at my healthiest... my vision goes less flat? I can see textures more clearly, or smell something. I've also woken up with a deep sense of peace a handful times in my life - mostly when truly exhausted/can't take another step and finally reach a place with NO other people where I can sleep outdoors, undisturbed for hours.
So for me, feeling more present is mostly the opposite of dissociating more heavily. The things that get worse when I dissociate more.... get better when I feel more present. To me, "grounding" means moving on that spectrum in the general direction of feeling more present.
I don't ever cartoonishly snap from flashback to fully present. I don't know anyone who does. For that matter, I don't really know how to feel more grounded/present on purpose. Like other people are saying, none of the usual grounding exercises (smell something, name five things you see, hold ice whatever) work for me because I had to be too good at automatically blocking everything, no matter how intrusive or physically painful. So a little thing like a bit of ice isn't going to force me out of the dissociation, generally.
I agree that being more present can be painful sometimes (like when someone dies - I can't usually grieve because I'm not present. Or when you get a little less dissociated, realize how much time has gone by, and you end up grieving lost time due to trauma). But being more present might also be pleasant or a relief sometimes (when the hell stops and you find that actually it's just... a sunny, regular day where nobody is hurting you). I don't think the point is necessarily to hurt less. Just to hurt (and hope and generally feel things) in response to present life, rather than past life/past feelings.
I dissociate a lot, all the time. Every once in a while, especially when I'm at my healthiest... my vision goes less flat? I can see textures more clearly, or smell something. I've also woken up with a deep sense of peace a handful times in my life - mostly when truly exhausted/can't take another step and finally reach a place with NO other people where I can sleep outdoors, undisturbed for hours.
So for me, feeling more present is mostly the opposite of dissociating more heavily. The things that get worse when I dissociate more.... get better when I feel more present. To me, "grounding" means moving on that spectrum in the general direction of feeling more present.
I don't ever cartoonishly snap from flashback to fully present. I don't know anyone who does. For that matter, I don't really know how to feel more grounded/present on purpose. Like other people are saying, none of the usual grounding exercises (smell something, name five things you see, hold ice whatever) work for me because I had to be too good at automatically blocking everything, no matter how intrusive or physically painful. So a little thing like a bit of ice isn't going to force me out of the dissociation, generally.
I agree that being more present can be painful sometimes (like when someone dies - I can't usually grieve because I'm not present. Or when you get a little less dissociated, realize how much time has gone by, and you end up grieving lost time due to trauma). But being more present might also be pleasant or a relief sometimes (when the hell stops and you find that actually it's just... a sunny, regular day where nobody is hurting you). I don't think the point is necessarily to hurt less. Just to hurt (and hope and generally feel things) in response to present life, rather than past life/past feelings.