What Does "normal" Look Like For Us?

[cupfish]

Lately I have been thinking about what constitutes "healed" for PTSD sufferers. And OF COURSE we are never healed; this is a chronic illness that does not end.

Will it be a combination of job + living situation + family and social situation + meds/therapies? I find this very difficult -- when is my mood normal and reasonable for the circumstances (i.e., fought with spouse) versus inappropriate and indicative of unhealed PTSD symptoms that I have missed?? What is the best I can accomplish? Lately it feels like success = not committing suicide, still having a job, and not crying for a whole day. Is this all we have to look forward to?

And, positive thinking is recommended but what is "positive?" Am I even capable of this? Sometimes I feel like PTSD sufferers can get mired in negativity but for us it is FACT not exaggeration.

Thanks for input -- I do better when I know what I am aiming at...

 

[RussH]

@cupfish a couple of things, and please understand I am not arguing with you but simply bringing some clarification:
PTSD is not a disease. It is an psychological injury due to trauma. This distinction is important because injuries can heal.
Will we always carry the scars from the trauma? Yes, but this does not mean forevering suffering. We can overcome the injury.

Will we ever be normal? God, I hope not. For one thing, no one can tell you what normal is.
So to me, normal is people who don't care about the feelings of other people, or care about their well being. Normal seems to be about caring about self without crossing over into narcissim. Normal is people who network, so they can climb whatever ladder it is they want to climb. Normal is not being someone who networks to help others climb the ladder, so I don't want normal.

You see cupfish, by the way like the name, part of the reason I was traumatized is because I was not normal, I cared about people, I cared if people hurt. And if I could go back change who I am and not care about people, so that I would not be traumatized, I wouldn't.
I would rather live with my PTSD than to live without caring about others.

Cupfish, are you in therapy with a trauma therapist? I hope so. I cannot promise you will be healed, at least not completely, but it will get better. Somedays it might seem like it is getting worse, but it will get better, so just hang on and work one day at a time toward your healing.
Will there be setbacks? Yes, but you work through them and keep moving toward the goal of healing.
Broken arms heal, broken legs heal, broken hearts heal, and people with PTSD also heal.

 

[Hashi]

this is a chronic illness that does not end.

That's only one view. I agree with Russ (and with trauma therapists like Peter Levine, and psychiatrists like Jeffrey Schwartz) - we can heal.

As far as "normal" goes, sign me up. To me, normal is a number of things but it includes:

- leaving the house when you want to, without sweating so much you need a change of clothes
- sleeping peacefully during the night and being awake peacefully during the day
- if your life is a pie, it's nicely divided into work/study/home-making, family, friends, interests, social contribution etc - rather than eleven slices of overwhelm and one slice of the myPTSD website
- self-care is a daily routine, not a lifetime goal

And, positive thinking is recommended

Is it? Not sure what you mean exactly, but some forms of "positive thinking" aren't appropriate for PTSD. It depends on what's meant.

 

[Friday]

I periodically mention that I was good for 10 years. I was even one of those (vexing ignorant) people who used PTSD in the past tense. Like "I had a perky little case of PTSD back when, but I got over it". I still had a few aftershocks / lingering effects, but they were so incrediably mild / easy to deal with that I didn't even care about them at all.

Now, I'm certain that we all have different definitions of "good". I think probably the more important point is that I did actually reach my level of what was good for me. Because, yeah. Good then was a wildly different thing from good today, where a victory is "And today, nobody died."

Here's what those 10 years looked like for me:

I was happy. I was surrounded by people I loved, respected, and who I got to laugh & plan & make (and achieve) goals for the future. I worked a job I loved. I was working towards a job I would love even more. At the end of each day, when running an inventory of what went well and I'd like to continue, versus what I was going to need to put right, fix, or apologize for... The vast majority was in the positives column, and I was able to proactively sort the negatives column. I almost never had to be brave. I was living a wicked good life. I had problems, for sure, but I also had complete faith in my ability to handle or sort them.

 

[littlestars]

It sounds like you need to give yourself more credit than you are giving yourself. From what you posted, I can tell that you have come a long way whether you realize it or not. I don't know you, but these are the exact same thoughts I had a while ago.

We all know there is no cure. We may have these issues our whole lives. However, we may not... and if we do... they won't be so intense as they are at the moment. I try to think of my symptoms of PTSD as a bully. I'm so angry and fed up with feeling the way I do and experiencing what I experience... I use that anger to motivate me, to stand up for myself. I refuse to let this bully me now. Yes, I don't always win, but it's getting easier to deal with (aka not as intense).

First... completely erase "normal" from your vocabulary. There is no "normal", unless you are playing a video game and selecting a difficulty mode. Instead, replace "normal" with "healthy" and "unhealthy".

Example, "is doing ____ healthy for me?" "Is having _____ in my life healthy for me?" "Is thinking _____ about myself/abilities/whatever unhealthy for me?"

When you have PTSD, you live by different rules as anyone without this disorder AND that's okay. Everyone with this disorder is unique as well. What's healthy for you may not suit another person... just as what my reply I am posting right now may or may not be helpful to you.

Secondly, NOT committing suicide is a huge deal. Give yourself credit for not choosing that and/or surviving it. You're here. You have every right to be here. I'm covered in scars, but they're battle scars. Still have a job? Wow! Seriously, wow. That's amazing. I have yet to accomplish that. I haven't been able to work properly or hold down a job for the last decade. I'm envious of you. How do you manage that? Also, not giving in to your emotions is a very good sign that you are getting stronger or using your strength. If you are bottling them though, find your own personal way to release them. Sometimes it's excellent to cry or to put that energy into something else, like artwork or cleaning or doing kind things for loved ones.

As for "positive thinking"?? Well, that's being kind to yourself. That's loving yourself. Accepting yourself for who you are right now. Things can change us, alter our very being, but we are still the same as we were... even if we cannot do certain things as we did before whatever trauma occurred; even if we experience the world differently as we did before. Basically, don't let negative feelings become (apart of) your belief system. You are capable of this. You must be gentle with yourself though.

My therapist started pointing out when I would be treating myself like s***. I didn't even realize it. He also said that having more positive things in my life would eventually out weigh the bad. I didn't think I could do that. That was six months ago. I have been slowly building a life that makes me happy now. I have more things to focus on that I enjoy, rather than suffer. I have been taking better care of myself. I don't do anything that makes me upset. If I have to do something that makes me upset or something triggers me, I try my best to be brave and fight; to live, be happy. If I do suffer, I ride it out. I try to let go. I meditate.

And you can decide what to look forward to... You can put things in your life that make you happy... even if it's small or seems mundane. Find what makes you happy and do it. Little things add up to a lot.


I wish you well. Don't lose hope. Be proud of yourself and good luck to you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@RussH,
You're correcting @cupfish on the use of the word "disease"....but the thing is that she NEVER used the word "disease".... She used the term illness and PTSD IS an illness as in are you ill or are you well? Yeah, we're all pretty much ill until we go into remission. So no offense, but yeah, you're starting arguments where there are none....it helps to read a post before picking it apart.

 

[shimmerz]

I don't like the word normal either. It is not what I aspire to. However, I do believe that PTSD is not a life sentence. As most of you know I believe it is a wounding and wounding can heal if you know how to heal it. The problem is just as you are saying though @cupfish. How does one know what one is aspiring to? So I am going to guess that you mean 'normal' in the way that those without PTSD live.

I agree with @Hashi's list. I can work, I can make choices,I don't have drama all over the place, I can laugh, I can cry, my relationships are pretty stable and calm, I have a house to live in, people that I can count on, I am able to ask for help (or know I need help), and am not overextending myself helping others. I know my limits and my boundaries.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

For me normal is the setting on my washing machine. I think it has do with growing and maturing and learning the adult life skills we did not learn as children and being able to live life having more good days than bad. It is a brain injury and it takes as long as it takes to have really good healing and recovery.

It is a real life changing experience.

 

[Lucycat]

I am perfectly normal ( for someone with CPTSD).

 

[Dana1010]

I would like to get through one day without a single memory from the past. I would like to look at and listen to things that trigger me now and not feel anything - no flashbacks, no fear, no shame, no rapid eye movements or avoidance. "Hello former trigger, how do you do? Fine day today, yes? Moving on now."

 

[cupfish]

Thank you all. My sympathetic nervous system constantly fires the "fight or flight" chemicals ( noropenepherine, cortisol, adrenaline) so I always have pit of fear in my belly. The sensation is disconnected from life circumstances, so it's hard for me to assess real life victories or areas for improvement when my brain tells me that everything is scary.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

Normal....what's that? No one is normal in the sense of being altogether and got their life in order. No one is normal. We, in a sense, are all different and I like it that way.