What helped you walk away from an abuser and not go back?

[desiderata310]

It was my best friend seeing the marks and then sending me an email with a link to the cycle of abuse.
that's all. Just the link. I read it and reread it. And it started to sink in.
Then one day, very soon after that , the cycle restarted itself and I was back in the abusive stage and I was back to hiding the marks on my neck with a turtleneck in 90 degree heat.

I made a plan and left that night.
It didn't exactly END then but I left. It started getting better.

Seeing it get better helped me finally put an end to things. I wasn't constantly confused and trying to sort out what I had done wrong.

I could THINK again.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I was befriended by someone who taught me I was worth so much more than the way I was being treated. I had never had a friend like her before. I was used to the snarky and harsh bullies from school and the party scene I was heavily immersed in at the time, not someone who was interested in a real and supportive friendship.

She went with me to pack my things and her and her mom allowed me to live with them. Ironically, she had grown up in an abusive home, often being beaten by her dad and witnessing the abuse against her mom. She and I met right after her dad took his own life. I was working at a store close to her house and had gone to work that day with two black eyes and a busted lip. We've remained friends ever since.

I honestly don't think I'd still be around had it not been for her intervening. She didn't come along until well after I had lived through multiple abusive scenarios, several being with guns held to my head. Glad to have had someone help me realize enough was enough because I obviously struggled in recognizing it for myself. I had been conditioned much of my life into believing I didn't deserve anything better. I'm no longer being abused, but still wrestle with the self-worth aspect more often than I'm comfortable with.

 

[Justmehere]

Trying to not go back means I'm reaching out for connection more than ever. I'm failing all over the place, but I keep trying. And really, everyone worthwhile is sticking by me. Mistakes and all. Again and again.

Trying to not go back means reevaluating myself of self. When I go back, I become all about them, so fast. I lose me.

I just started to like me every now and then. I don't want to lose the me I started to like.

I know who I am now. I'm not sure I will ever do better than I could back in that abusive situation. But I also know I can't survive it. Not really.

 

[Anarchy]

Sending you hugs and kind thoughts of support.

You really are worth more
And bouncing back out of the mud is praiseworthy

 

[Ronin]

When I think of it, usually suicidality.

I have a treshold for where I always want to die / not be where I am at the time / be somewhere else, but it's a different thing than feeling I can't be myself & can't think & can't think as myself & being myself is Wrong And Gross, Shoo, that changes the game.

Then the realization so many things I do are just Normal People Things. OMFG. A whole world of not being just told I'm human & humane, but being treated as one. :wideeyed:

What -helped-, usually turning to God and deciding if everything turned upside down again (or downside up? Can't tell.), I'll just go with the flow for once, not think about the grand scheme of anything, and breathe. Living in the today.

 

[420kitty]

Realizing I was just being used for money and certain types of sex. It wasn't love. It was a struggle for someone who has no control to control me. I think I reached my breaking point. I even continued to stay 'friends' for a couple months after the relationship ended. I think I just wanted to use him right back, and I got my way a few times. He just continued to be an asshole and I had enough of it. He ended up cutting off communication when he realized I wasn't going back to him.

 

[pamcoco]

I really relate to the struggle, going back has always been the hit I needed, kinda like a shot of heroin for a junkie in detox. But, I get a little less high every time I give in, going back. I am sorry for your suffering.

My solution has been simplistic perhaps. I find a mentor and follow their rules regardless of what I feel. The last time I was physically abused was when I was 20, some 30 years ago. I read a book about co-dependency and relationship addiction then simply did what the book advised. It hurt, I suffered, I wanted to go back, but I didn't. Getting used to feeling intensely but not taking action on those feelings, changed my life.

Next I suffered from emotionally abusive relationships, some more than others, but once I was sexually assaulted 3 times in unrelated crimes in a 3 month period, ptsd made abuse in any manner quickly unbearable. I have spent much of the last decade alone and determined I would far prefer my company than anyone that disrespects, insults or abuses me.

I didn't think this was possible for me, but I like myself frequently. I admire my ptsd self. Honestly, I don't like the abusers in my life and that disdain has become intolerable. I simply cannot be with people that treat me poorly.