Should I Walk Away From My Family?

[Philippa]

I agree...it is heartbreaking, but what other choice do you have when you're well being is at stake? Sometimes placing boundaries isn't enough, or you don't have the strength to place them assertively, so distancing is the best thing to do, at least until strength can be gathered...but yeah, it's not fun, or easy.

 

[maddog]

Others have said it all as to why, sometimes, the best and only real option is to cut off contact. For me, this decision came over 12 months ago in relation to my parents, and then, much more unexpectedly, at Christmas time in relation to my brother. I still have sporadic contact with my sister, but quite frankly this relationship is almost as toxic, just slightly less dangerous for me, which is the only reason that communication channels are still officially open.
Yes, I agree with MTS, somehow, logic aside, severing this most fundamental link has probably been the hardest decision of my life, both in terms of following through with it and then living with the consequences. The depths of that consequence are deeper than I could have imagined, yet I tell myself every day that my life is better, freer, safer, more forgiving and kind to me, without their presence.

Creating a non-biological family is something I have been privilleged enough to have been able to do in some sense, though I am yet to experience this reality on an emotional level, rather than merely an intellectual one. There is no easy way through this process. I can only offer thoughts and strength to those who are forced to take this route out of sheer self preservation and an awareness of their right to live a better, safer, freer life.

Maddog

 

[Eleanor]

I don't know if people stop loving their toxic family members. It would be easier if you could. But I do know that it is perfectly ok to love them from a very safe distance away. The more toxic they are, the further that will be.

I haven't had to do this - but my Aunt and Uncle had to cut off their relationship with his parents, and my step-daughter has been struggling with whether or not she can have a relationship with her mother. All suffered greatly with the decision. This is very advanced difficult stuff. No easy answers here. Just remember, adults have a responsibility to take care of themselves. That means you have to take care of you, and they have to take care of themselves. There is a certain freedom in this.

Wishing you wisdom and peace in and from your choice...

 

[Philippa]

Yes, a very good point there eleanor.

It doesn't mean we stop loving them (even if we also might hate them at the same time), just that we can't be around them anymore...or don't want to be, and that is valid. As an adult I have a right to not be around people I don't want to be around, even if they are family. If it was a person I knew that I didn't like, it would be simple, I just wouldn't be around them...but somehow we are trained that we 'should' just grin and bear it just because we are related, or we know that it's just easier to "get it over with" and move on to the next moment.

I don't see why, if your 'family' feel like strangers to you, that you are obliged to hang out with them and act as though you are not feeling this way. It's more self-validating and self-respectful to acknowledge that you just can't and don't want to do 'the family thing' anymore...and it's BAD for you.

I still do struggle with feeling like my reasons are valid enough or that they aren't right and I am just being 'petty' because other people have been through so much more than me, but I know that in the times when I'm not in total turmoil over it, and going back and forth in my mind...and I'm just calm, and actually enjoying myself...I can listen to the voice in me telling me that "you did the right thing".

Compassion for self is just as important as compassion for others. I'm still learning to give this to myself, and to feel comfortable with it. Right now I do feel ugly though...but you have those days.

-Luci Bloom

 

[Heather]

I just want to say that after reading all these posts that I am in awe at the amount of courage that each person has to walk away from their family origin.

My mother is so toxic and I struggle with the thought of cutting her out of my life but I've yet to do it.

I applaud all of you that have been able to walk away in order to salvage your emotional well being.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi it is very hard to do. I read a very good book about the betrayal. It is called The betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes MD It talks about how we bond to our abusers.

It is insidious. I missed and gireved the loss of my family. But the person I was when around them is not the person I am when not around them.

Whatever you decide to do I wish you well. I am amazed at how many people have taken this step. It takes the alone feeling away. I feel validated and supported. My life is so much better off without them in it. It gets hard on the holidays. But it has gotten easier with the passing of time. Take care

 

[zombie squirrel]

Thanks for all the replies! They have all been very helpful in my decision. And wow, I never realized how many people have had to make decisions like it!

I decided to start by adding some more distance and go from there. I did end up moving further away (which has been great, I can honestly say I feel ten times better and it's been less than week), but I still have to go back during the day to help look after my dad's house. But at least this way I have more control over when I see my family. I think it has been beneficial for my sister to have some space, too. Maybe after a while, when things cool down a bit, I will warm up to her again.

I have really thought about just leaving and never speaking to my family again. I almost went through with it a few years ago, but I started speaking to them again when I found out that my mom had cancer. Since then I've realized that although they do a lot of things that hurt me and make me unhappy, I still love them. I know how painful it would be for them if I walked away completely. Also, I think that part of the reason I have such an urge to leave is because I hate my dad's house (where my trauma occurred). A lot of times I jump the gun when things like this happen because I really wish I had an excuse to get away from there for good. I wouldn't miss that stupid house one bit, but I would miss my family.

 

[Eleanor]

Thank you for sharing that about the house, zombie squirrel. And kudo's to you for making the distinction! Maybe you could make a rule that you see them somewhere else?

We are (stressfully:confused:) buying a new house, for just this reason. My oldest stepdaughter was abused by her previous step-mother in the house we now live in. There are enough bad memories for middle-step daughter that she doesn't particularly like going there either. So, despite the fact that they are both grown and married or on the way to, we are changing houses. I just won't live in a house where my kids can't comfortably visit. I have thought a couple of times that maybe I am being dramatic. But you have confirmed that I am not being at all dramatic. Thank You.

 

[ABC123]

Sorry, this is a long post but I have never had the opportunity to get this out until finding this blog today.

I have read the posts here and would like to offer another side to this topic. I am a sister of someone that I think suffers from PTSD. I do not know for sure because he has not been part of my life for 5 years this Christmas. There was an argument between he and my older sister at my home during the holidays (go figure) that I was not part of and I have only talked to him one time since. After the argument I couldn't understand why he wouldn't talk to me. He offered me no explanation. Months went by and I called him and left a vm, crying, asking him to tell me what was going on. I got no reply. A few more months and I sent him an email and his wife replied telling me he was working through things. I respect that, although still I had no idea what things he was working through. My 14 year old niece sent his wife a note on FB telling her she was coming to the state they live in to visit me and wanted to see them. She sent the more rediculous reply I have ever seen. She cursed her out and told her that my brother wanted nothing to do with his family. So, of course that triggered anger and both my sister and I sent him seperate notes telling him how rediculous it was to curse out a child and a lot of what for's etc because we were so mad. He replied with a crazy, angry rant and that he would contact us when he was ready. With that, I decided I was done.

But....about a year and a half ago, I called him. I had to tell him that the same niece who was then 15 had taken her life. She suffered from depression, which was being treated, and was severely bullied at school. He cried with me on the phone. He said he was sorry and that he wanted to fix things but didn't know what to do. I told him I would help him and after we got through things with my niece's death I would do whatever it takes to get our relationshiop back on track. He agreed. I told him when I arrived at my sister's I would send him all of the information and her phone number. I did. I never heard another word from him. So, I got mad again. (Vicious cycle). This time I was really done. He his family during an unthinkable time and I decided I would not forgive him for that. But then...(see the pattern), least week I got very sad and decided I would try again. I sent him a text telling him my daughter had won a talent show by performing a song she wrote about kids standing up for themselves and being strong. I thought this would trigger something because he was close with my daughter and he was bullied in high school. Instead I got a nasty note from his wife telling me to leave him alone.

My family has not been perfect but I still can't figure out why he decided to shut us out....me out. We were close as young adults, right up until 5 years ago. I was the one that talked him through a time when his wife (girlfriend at the time) threatened to abort their baby every other day for months. I talked to him about his suicidal thoughts and about his flashbacks, once where he was on the floor in the fetal position crying and his wife was screaming at him that she was leaving him and threw the phone at his head. I was at the hospital when his son was born very early and then often while he was getting strong enough to come home. I was the first person to hold him other than his parents. I love his children dearly and was involved in their lives when he was not estranged. I overlooked how he treated me and my children sometimes and how he let his wife treat me. It's so hard for me not to blame someone and be livid about this. But mostly I'm just hurt that I don't mean more to him. It's not about me, I know but I am broken just the same.

After being on the other side of this topic if you are going to cut your family off please just tell them why. I have lost two people I dearly love between my niece's suicide and my brother. I am letting go of him now, with no closure and no opportuntiy to address things. I have to let go for my own well being and for the well being of my children who also loved him very much. It's just so sad.

 

[Philippa]

The problem with telling them why is, generally, and this has been my experience...they are in denial, and won't admit to anything they have done that has actually caused you to shut them out! I have told both my parents why I chose to do this, a number of times.

They still choose to make up reasons for it that have nothing at all to do with the reality, to avoid looking at themselves and the reality of the consequences of showing me a lack of respect, and no compassion whatsoever over the past 20 years.

I'm not saying this to accuse you personally of having done something AmandaP, as I don't really know you, or anything about your relationship with your family member who is now estranged, but I thought I would give my own take on the whole "tell them why" thing.

I think it's probably the case for most people here, that they HAVE tried to explain why to their family, but they aren't heard or given any credence, not taken seriously, and flat out negated mostly, so it makes it hard.

Just because you tell them why, does not mean they will actually listen or hear you, and will often make up their own version of reality and tell all their friends, to make themselves look like the victim, and the estranged family member to be the bad seed.

I don't like that my decision has caused them pain...at all. I just don't see any way I can have a relationship with people I don't trust?

 

[ABC123]

Philippa, thanks for your perspective.

I think you are right. Maybe I have missed something with my brother. I just wish I knew because I really, honestly want to be open to looking at what is wrong. I am not perfect. None of us are.

After the death of my niece, I learned a lot about myself and the person I want to be for myself and those that are in my life. I do think there are many people who aren't willing to take that look at themselves to see how they can be better for those they love. Actually, I think there are a lot of people not willing to do that. We are all a product of our experiences and are an illustration of our emotions.

As a parent I wish you had a better experience with your own parents. I hope I never make my children feel the way you are feeling. We don't own our children and we can't command how they think and feel. As for my brother, if I ever get a chance to know why things are the way they are, I will listen...even if its hard to hear. Sincerely thank you for your thoughts on this and I wish you the best.

 

[Philippa]

Thanks Amanda. It made tears well up in me to read your words. I wish my parents were as willing to look at themselves as you clearly are. It may be hard work, but ifyou really do love someone, you will be willing to do what it takes to be able to hear them.

It's the hardest thing to tell your own parent that the way they are being is actually hurting you and making things so much harder...and to then be ignored or shunned as a result, makes it even more painful, and I really think it contributes to PTSD in ways we don't even really know yet.

But you've got the right idea. My father doesn't get that he can't control how I feel, so speaking openly to him about how I feel when he violates my privacy, or doesn't believe me when I tell him about things his friends have done to violate me or make me feel uncomfortable, is virtually impossible without it being inferred that I am a liar or just silly for feeling the way I feel. It is much easier for him to turn around and blame me for "destroying the relationship", than it is to look at how HE has destroyed it.

My mother started off on the right track, and I think she really was serious about looking and changing...at the time. Then it started to dawn on her how much work it will be and how hard and scary it is to look at those ugly sides to ourselves, and she reverted back to her old ways...which in some ways made it even worse than if she had not even bothered in the first place. But that's her...she says one thing at the time, probably means it, and then doesn't follow through later, and has no idea the impact that has on me. She will never change though. They are both too old now to really change.

I commend your courage in being willing to look at what you need to in order to reach your loved one, and I really hope it works out. It would be so nice to hear a success story around here for a change.